Wow. As you've probably seen by now, the Lakers beat the Cavaliers 112-57 last night...a 55-point bitch-slap of epic proportions. They were outscored by at least 15 points in each of the first three quarters and shot an almost unbelievable 29.9% from the floor. This game marked their 21st loss in their last 22 games. Yuck. (Consider this - since LeBron returned to Cleveland on December second, the Heat are 18-1. The Cavs? 1-19. Seriously.)

To make matters worse, LeBron has jumped on the bandwagon, sending out the tweet above last night during the massacre. If there was someone in Cleveland that didn't hate LeBron yet, they certainly aren't a fan anymore.

So, kids, as we continue to wallow in the sad misfortunes of our football team, remember one thing. At least we're not Cleveland.

We're all pretty depressed today, but I figured I'd throw up some videos in an attempt to get some of you to smile.

Remember, the 2010 Eagles season was pretty good, for most of it anyway.











Go Birds.

And another spirit-crushing playoff loss is in the books. Let's spend today trying to repair the shattered pieces of our collective psyche, and remember that this season was intended to be a "rebuilding" year above all else. Let the Eagles revamp their porous defense and offensive line, and perhaps we'll have another shot in 2012. That's if, you know, the NFL/humanity is still around then.


平和と祝福,

TheWizWit

Couldn't summarize Sunday's game any better. The JV Eagles aka the Chad Hall Show aka DeMarcus Ware's Prison Bitch lost by a point to the Stephen McGee-led Cowboys, 14-13. In other news: nobody gives a shit. The regular season is dead and the Birds need to figure out a way to keep Concussion Time from ruining their playoffs.

[Pulls inflated Butterscotch Krimpet Tastykake bag from microwave]

FUCK! HOT! TWENTY SECONDS WAS TOO LONG!!

The NFL is Fixed - So Asante Samuel inadvertently makes contact with another players' helmet during a shoulder tackle and gets fined $40,000 while Andre Johnson only gets $25,000 for RIPPING OFF A DUDES HELMET AND PUNCHING HIM TWICE IN THE HEAD? I understand the caps lock is a bit leading, but check it, even in lowercase it's crazy. he got into a fistfight during the game, ripped off the other guys helmet, and successfully beat him about the face and head. Twenty-five K and no suspension? Crazy.

Well, maybe not that crazy. The NFL has a nationally-televised only-game-in-town to sell on its network this Thursday. And they couldn't have the lowly Texans going into this game without their best player, could they? I mean, who knows how quickly the game could be over without him? They needed to keep this whole "rage-fueled fistfight" incident low-key and under-penalized because, hey, the Texans need all the help they can get to make a date with the Eagles in Philly an attractive national matchup. And the NFL needs as many eyeballs on the screen to secure those fat ad revenue checks. Keep dancin' for that money, ho!

I've said it before: the NFL is fucking rigged. Gosh danget do I love the First Amendment.

What else did we learn? Tackling, Quentin Mikell is in Michael Lewis Territory, Bears Stretched Us Out, Give Cutler Credit, Come Back Asante, Moose Your Suit Looks Ridiculous, Fix Yo Field, and Blame the O-Line.


Tackling - The Birds defense played like butt(er scrapple). While it fits to point the finger at the secondary for Exhibits A and B, the majority of the problems on defense were with tackling. Devin Hester bubble screens for 39? Matt Forte up the gut for 61? You're poopin me, right?

Listen, I know Andy Reid. Big Red and I are like Britt Reid and Oxycontin (only I'm not smuggled in his asshole). Andy Reid chewed out the kids because they showed a lack of effort. Team awareness was, like, a 65. Solution? TACKLESCHOOL! When a good team loses like this one did on Sunday, it's time to get back to basics.

Quentin Mikell is in Michael Lewis Territory - Remember Michael Lewis? Neither do I. Quentin Mikell is well on his way to being sent to the barren wasteland of Candlestick park along with other zombie Eagles like Westbrook and Lewis. Missed tackles, poor coverage, slow pursuit of runaway runningbacks -- it doesn't look good for the lone veteran of an otherwise young team. The blame last year was placed squarely on the shoulders of then-rookie now-Redskin Macho Harris, but even then there were visible cracks in Mikell's armor. This year -- now playing alongside a much more capable Nate Allen -- it looks like we may need to draft another Safety early next year. Allen hasn't been perfect, but you can't point the finger at the rookie again this season.

Bears Stretched Us Out - I HATE the stretch play. HATE IT. Why? Because the Eagles are TURRIBLE as defending the thing. With the middle of the defense having exponentially improved through addition by subtraction (MINUS Bunkley PLUS Dixon), the Bears were smart to exploit the edges. While the Eagles certainly don't lack team speed, their featherweight coverage-only corners can't tackle. Kudos to Chicago for reaching into the Patriots 2004 beat-the-Eagles playbook.

Give Cutler Credit - As Eagles fans it's easy for us to say our defense didn't do this or our defense didn't do that, but what Cutler did speaks for itself. 247 yards, 4 touchdowns, and ZERO picks for a 146.2 rating. Yes, yes, our defense failed to do this/that, but Jay took advantage, and won them the game while putting up some gaudy numbers.

Come Back Asante -

Moose Your Suit Looks Ridiculous -

For real though, a tie...AND an ascot...AND a pocket square. All inside of a suit that looks like he plays for the Business Yankees. You win, Daryl "Silky" Johnston.

Fix Yo Field - Yada, yada, yada, here is a picture of 1 and a half hot Asian girls in mud! Let's hope we don't have a game in Chicago come playoff time.

Blame the O-Line - I think a large part of this loss has to be blamed on the offensive line. They were downright offensive!

...I'm sorry.

Anyway, when a unit receives as much praise as this group has over the past several weeks, it's important not to overlook them when it comes to passing blame. Sure, maybe Vick held the ball too long. Sure, maybe it was the receivers' fault for not getting open in time. Whatever it is one can say to defend our overachieving O-line, all you have to do is look at the tape to see how badly the Birds were losing the battle at the line of scrimmage. I'm guessing they felt overconfident coming off a great performance against the vaunted Giants line and underestimated a under-appreciated Bears group. They've got more than Peppers, apparently.

Next up is Houston on Thursday at home. Can't lose, won't lose (Harlem shake).

Go Birds!

Fuck This Weekend - Phillies lose on Saturday, Eagles lose on Sunday, and I head back to work on Monday. I check my fantasy scores and not only did I leave Kenny Britt on the bench, but I'm actually playing against him in two different leagues. So to recap, number 18 for the Titans scored 18 points against my real-life favorite football team, then he went for 47 and 53 against two of my fantasy football teams. I mean...what the fuck is the point? I know he's a Rutgers alum but can't you give me something, God? Anything?

Anyway, what else did we learn? Clockers, Kenny Britt Ate The Eagles, Touchback, Why Burn That Last Timeout?, The TOTALLY STRAIGHT Riley Cooper Dreamboat Meter, and The Eagles are Still Pretty Good.

Clockers - What the hell was that, Tennessee? I know you're in the south and many of the people who attend your games are the same people who pay by the minute for dial-up internet and own an "@hotmail.com" email address, but you've got to be technologically advanced enough to keep a scoreboard going. Watching football without the comfort of Fox's score and clock makes me feel helpless and alone. I'm wandering alone in the middle of an empty meadow. Where am I? What down is it? Is it halftime yet? I'm just glad that Tennessee's wack attack stadium scoreboard didn't affect my ability to watch Cleatus, the football-playing robot do jumping jacks while Kenny Albert's voiceover told me about Visa.

Kenny Britt Ate The Eagles - I know that Nate Allen didn't show us much on Sunday and Britt's first touchdown was more or less his fault, but Ellis Hobbs was the true goat of the game. He was getting beat BADLY on many of KB18's catches. I love to see a Rutgers guy do well in the League, but not like this. Ellis' ineptitude was embarrassing for the Eagles D and, I'm sure, for anyone who knows him personally.

Now I'm certain there were plenty of people clamoring for Sean McDermott to put Asante Samuel on Britt instead -- I was definitely one of them -- but in hindsight I don't know how much it would have mattered. Britt was playing out of his mind and was catching passes on man coverage, zone coverage, brackets, everything. Kenny Britt beat the Eagles on Sunday, and though I'd like to believe our secondary is infinitely improved from last year, he exposed a significant hole in our defense. A interception-seeking gambler on one side, an overrated veteran strong safety, a rookie free safety, and Kenny Britt's bitch on the other side. Is this group weaker than the linebackers?  Does Ellis Hobbs now have to sit down when he pees?

Touchback - What was up with the wind during this game? Both kickers managed to boot the ball for a touchback 10 out of 13 times. Lesson? In Tennessee, THE WIND BLOWS BOTH WAYS. I'm sure Arrested Development has a lyric about this somewhere.

Why Burn That Last Timeout? - It doesn't make sense. You've stopped the Titans twice in a row, there's over 3:50 left on the clock, and you still have the two minute warning. Sure, they can run the clock down to around the 3 minute mark, but don't you want to be able to stop the clock at your will rather than have a few extra ticks now? I know making fun of Andy Reid's dipshittery with the clock is a tired motif, but that fucking walrus really is time-retarded.  Totally moot because of the Colvin fumble, but this could have been the story if Kolb had his shot.

The TOTALLY STRAIGHT Riley Cooper Dreamboat Meter -

Fix your face, bruh.

The Eagles are Still Pretty Good - Make no mistake: the Eagles are a better team than the Titans. Much like how the Falcons probably feel about dropping last week's game in Philly, the Birds have to be equally confident that they are indeed a superior team that was defeated by a few big plays. The game must be played at a high level for 60 minutes and because the final whistle doesn't blow at the end of 45, we ended up taking an L. But remember that this team is playing without its number one receiver, number one quarterback, number one DT, and a sad mix on the offensive line. Do I expect us to ever be completely healthy? Of course not. But I think going 2-1 during a stretch against the Falcons, AT the Niners, and AT the Titans is pretty damn good. Now, things don't get any easier as I can't even name a single "gimme" game left on the schedule. But if Mike Vick can just hold off from throwing picks, the solid run defense this team has shown lately coupled with the big-play ability of Vick, Jackson, Maclin, and McCoy should be enough to propel them to a decent playoff seeding.

Fat Andy is 11-0 after bye weeks but Indy comes to town next.  Here's to seeing some Manningface.

Go Birds.

So for those of you keeping score at home: McNabb out, Kolb in, Kolb out, Vick in, Vick out, Kolb in. And hopefully Kolb out. Very, very soon.

I may stand alone here as the guy starting the slow clap for our former QB, but it's totally justified. We got what we deserved. McSoup didn't play great, but he played well enough to win a game he probably wanted more than any of us could imagine. Hogmurder had his shot at history -- and beating McNabb in his first return game after Vick got injured would surely be historic -- but alas, it was not to be.

So what did we learn? Kevin Kolb is a Scared Shell of a Quarterback, Owen is the Schmitt, Appreciate Shady, Eagles got Clocked, Mike Bell Sucks, Where's the Rush?, Asante's Business Decisions, Countdown to Meltdown, The Prophet Barkley, and McNabb's Last Laugh.

Kevin Kolb is a Scared Shell of a Quarterback - Make no mistake -- this is not the same Kevin Kolb we saw last year. Remember the guy who was the first ever to throw for 300 yards in his first two starts? That obviously wasn't the same dude who took the field after Vick's awesome-injury-scramble-to-the-endzone-that-never-happened. You don't get to 300 yards dunking the ball to your running back every play, you get it by throwing deep and on time to your Pro Bowl-calibur WRs. The guy that has been playing in the Kevin Kolb jersey since the regular season started is NOT the same person who allowed the Eagles to trade Donovan McNabb with confidence. That dude was pretty good. This guy looks like vagina personified.

I know what you're thinkin: "I knew there was no way a QB with those stupid black spandex sleeves could be good!" And maybe you're right. But I know I saw a different quarterback last year and in training camp than the one I was forced to watch Sunday. Kevin, it's obvious you're looking to avoid that soul-crushing Pick Six and the Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra of boos that go along with it, but playing it safe is only making you look like a beaten and terrified shell of a football player. You're probably going to start for the foreseeable future. You've gotta find a way to play like you've got nothing to lose, even if the complete opposite is true.

Owen is the Schmitt - I almost forgot this guy was on the team. Like the rebound girl you end up dating, Owen Schmitt has been nothing short of a pleasant surprise after an epic backwards-knee catastrophe ended Leonard Weaver's career season. Four catches for 43 yards? I'll take it. Thank the lord Jeebus that you can catch. With the possibility of Shady being out...any chance you can run, too? White fans will love you!

Appreciate Shady - Speaking of Shady, what more can I say about the kid? It seems like every week I'm praising him for one thing or another. Just another day at the office for LeSean McCoy: 64 yards rushing and 12 catches for 110 yards receiving. My man was the best player on the field EVEN AFTER PLAYING THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF WITH A FRACTURED RIB. If LeSean has to stay out any considerable amount of time, I think we'll soon realize how much this team depends on his production. Sure, he had that big fumble...but the dude had a broken rib. Some slack? You needs ta cuts him some.

Eagles Got Clocked - Andy Reid is a moron. That being said, the whole fiasco at the end of the half was not entirely his fault. When the ref came back from review, he said very clearly that the play stands. Then the ball was moved back from 4th and inches to 4th and 1 -- with zero explanation. If the play stands, then the ball should stay put, no? If you changed the yardage after review, then you say that when you announce your decision. Can't have it both ways. So yes, Andy Reid is a time-blind dummyface. But he was also given the thick black shaft by the refs. The cost? Well, the game, probably.

Mike Bell Sucks - God he fucking sucks...and I was so excited when we signed him, too! He ran so strong for New Orleans last year that either A) the tank is empty or B) this year was just a paycheck for him. It's a good thing the Birds are looking into signing Marshawn Lynch because there is no way we can go into a game with Mike '2.0 yards a carry' Bell as the #1 RB. Mike Bell sucks.

Where's the Rush? - One sack. One. And it was by Ernie Sims. Was defending the zone blocking scheme that hard where you couldn't get past a pretty bad Offensive line? Trent Cole -- you were facing a backup! You guys are jerks.

Asante's Business Decisions - I was always the first person to defend Asante whenever someone would bring up his lack of tackling, but Sunday was a disgrace. He deserved his 22 Tackle rating in Madden.  He likes to make what Deion Sanders calls "business decisions" when it comes to tackling. That is, not putting yourself in a position to get hurt tackling and making your money on INTs. I dig. But you can't just shoulder guys and/or completely duck away from them when they initiate contact. You played like Pussasaurus Rex for the majority of the game and STILL got a concussion. Asante -- hit somebody next time, homeboy.

Countdown to Meltdown - If Kevin Kolb is as ineffective next week as he was this week throwing the ball down field this week, I'm pretty sure DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin are going to go T.O. all over his ass. Maclin's frustration was obvious. It'll be more so after an entire week of preparation with a similar result.

The Prophet Barkley -

Charles Barkley, pictured HERE with his 3 favorite things in the world (hint: it's white women), has always been very vocal about his love of Donovan and his disdain for an Eagles organization that he felt never gave Mac-5 his just due. Well, Charles, you were calling this game for quite some time and you were right. It's funny -- I can't really think of any other Philadelphia athlete that could pull all the shit you have and still remain a fan favorite. Fights, casino debts, harsh words about the Philadelphia fanbase, DUIs...and we still love you. What gives? Did you win a bet with Satan and ask for eternal immunity? Cause here I thought you were turrible at gambling.

McNabb's Last Laugh - Donovan McNabb beat the Eagles in Philly against BOTH of their replacement quarterbacks.  Phase one of Donovan's quest is complete. Phase two involves a deep playoff run and a Super Bowl victory. Phase two will never happen.

But a sincere congratulations is in order for the man who personally made me a Philadelphia Eagle fan above all other sports teams in this city.  He deserved this game and deserves all the success (and future dirt-ball failures) that lay ahead.  Best of luck in the future to the greatest quarterback in the history of this team.

Next up: Kevin Kolb/Mike Bell vs. the San Francisco 49ers.  I have a soft spot for the Niners ever since I went to San Fran and realized it is one of the coolest cities I've ever been to.  And I'm straight!  If you get the chance, go there.  I just hope this time next week they're 0-5.

Go Birds.

h/t to the700level for the Barkley pic.

Good to see Andy got this memo... but someone should probably tell him that The Onion is usually pretty satirical.

Bash your head on the jump to see some questionable "concussion" videos.

"Clearly, there was no concussion here. It's pretty obvious Stewart was just walking off the effects of some Dizzy Bat Relay he was enjoying on the sidelines."

"I heard Kevin and Clay Matthews having a disagreement about whether The Linc was genuine grass or not.  Glad to see Kevin paying attention to the details of the home field.  Obviously I've gotta put Kevin's face in a better position next week.  Times yours."


[The Onion]