How Much Will You Drink Tonight?

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , , on 2:53 PM

Answer: Not as much as those in Milwaukee, Fargo, or Sioux City, Iowa according to The Daily Beast.

New Year’s Eve is upon us and we all know what that means – Amateur Night. I personally don’t get too wrapped up in the NYE scene. Paying stupid high prices and being crammed into a bar on night where more douchebags than normal are out, isn’t really my idea of fun. I’d much rather go to a house party, have a few drinks, and distance myself from all those who piss me off.

Regardless of where you go, who you hang out with, or how many bad decisions you make tonight, have yourself a good time. Considering Philadelphia was good enough to rank on the “Drunkest Cities in America” list, I’m sure you won’t have too much of a problem. But we only rank #20. Mucho disappointing. Check out a gallery of the complete Top 40 here.

What are you waiting for? Get out there and show the rest of the country what you’re made of, damnit! Debauchery is completely acceptable on this night, so do your worst Philadelphia. Show some pride and let’s get ourselves in the top 10 for 2011.

Happy New Year’s sports fans!  Have fun and be safe, Philly.

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 17 NFL Spread Picks

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , , on 12:32 PM

Well we've made it to the final week of the regular season.  The Shark won more than he lost, so we're all winners.  Now let's just hope there isn't a lockout next year.  That would make the Shark angry.  You wouldn't like him when he's angry. 

In reality, there'll probably be a couple more weeks of games next year once the NFL gets their way and forces an 18 game schedule.  You just know Vegas is working up a nice stiffy at the thought of taking even more of the public's money.  But don't you worry, your friendly neighborhood Shark will be back to guide you through it.

Without further ado, we go to the shark tank one more time in 2010.

CHIEFS (-3.5) over Raiders
Well whaddaya know? I picked the Chiefs game incorrectly last week. Whether I go with them, or against them, I can't win. /shakes fist at Dan Saleaumua

Dolphins (+4) over PATRIOTS
This one is simple. If the Patriots sit their players in the second half, I think Miami will cover. If Bill Belicheck wants to be a cock and keep his starters on the field for 60 minutes, then this line is like 10 points too low.

BROWNS (+6) over Steelers
I'm going to level with you. I don't really have a reason for making this pick. This is a pure gut feeling. Or maybe I just have to shit. One or the other.

Bengals (+9.5) over RAVENS
For some reason the Bengals have had the Raven's number over the last few years. 9.5 is a lot of points to give away to a division opponent who knows the ins and outs of your team. Plus, Carson Palmer doesn't have to keep two dipshit diva receivers happy now that T.O. is out and Ochocinco is banged up.

LIONS (-3.5) over Vikings
Nowhere to go but down for the Vikings as they come off their Tuesday night upset of the Eagles. When Minnesota takes on the Lions, the Vikings will have only had 4 full days to rest and prepare. That's a HUGE advantage for the Lions who even get the luxury of not traveling this week.

JETS (-1) over Bills
Expect to see lots of Mark Brunell in this game. And no, that's not a sentence for 2001. Honestly, I have no insight on this game. You should probably just stay away and waste your money on a different, less shitty game.

Panthers (-14.5) over FALCONS
I've said this before, but the Falcons are not a team built to blow opponents out. Are the Panthers a bad football team? GOD YES. But I think a lot of the Panther's players will put a little more effort into this game. On a bad team, a lot of the guys are still playing for a job next year. The Falcons will win, but not by more than two touchdowns.

Buccaneers (+7.5) over SAINTS
I think this will be a good game. I wouldn't be surprised if this one ended on a last second game-winning field goal. The Bucs have a lot to play for, and Josh Freeman is a hot little potato right now.

Titans (+10) over COLTS
Call me a dickface, but I'll go with the Titans again after they screwed me last week. The Colts are an average team at best. They're nothing like the 13-3 teams they've had for the last few years. I just can't see betting money on a double-digit favorite who can't run the ball or play defense.

TEXANS (-3) over Jaguars
Trent Edwards is starting and Maurice Jones-Drew will either be out or limited. That's all you need to know. I think the Texans win this one easily.

Giants (-4) over REDSKINS
Holy shit, did the Eagles mind-fuck the Giants or what? Their mental lapses carried over to last week as they got hammered by the Packers. Now, the Giants aren't as bad as they looked last Sunday so I'm going to roll with them here. I kind of wish this line wasn't more than 3, but what can you do. The Redskins ARE a bad team. Remember that.

PACKERS (-10) over BEARS
Here's my guess - the Bears need both the Saints and Falcons to lose Sunday to make this game meaningful for home field throughout the playoffs. I seriously doubt both of those things will happen. With nothing to play for, who knows how much the Bears will try, or how long their starters will remain in the game.

EAGLES ( - whatever ) over Cowboys
This game still doesn't have a line.  But since I'm a homer, we'll go all-in blind on this one.  This should come down to quarterback play, and Kevin Kolb could easily start on half of the teams in the league.  Jon Kitna might not even play in this game, so I'll take KK over a third stringer any day.

Cardinals (+6) over 49ERS
A team that just lost their head coach, flips flops QB's every week, and generally has underperformed all season, should not be giving 6 points to anybody. Simple as that.

Chargers (-3.5) over BRONCOS
Bottom line: the Chargers are by far the more talented team. They really should have no problem covering this spread against Denver. Tim Tebow can only do so much.

Rams (-3) over SEAHAWKS
And here's the saddest game on the card. Can you believe this is for a playoff spot? Turribe. Juss turrible. Anyway, the Rams are the better team and the Seahawks are starting Charlie Whitehurst. So yeah, he sucks. Go with the Rams.

Arrivederci,













The Shark

Our Dick Cheney

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 10:54 AM
Here’s how it basically went down:


“All right, ya rat fuck. I got you dead to rights. You an' me both know ya bribed some fuck who already pled guilty to bribery and corruption. So here’s da deal: Pay a $26,000,000 bribe to da state treasury, stay the fuck away from peoples’ pensions for the rest of your life and we can fugettiaboutit, huh?”


“Go fuck yourself.”


“Oh, that so, tough guy? OK, lemme put it in toims even you can unnerstand: Give us a $20,000,000 bribe and we both walk away.”


“You ever heard of ‘sloppy seconds’, Andy?”


“OK, ya rat fucker, Final offer: Ya pay us $10 million in bribes and ya stay away from New York Securities fer two years. Dat’s my final offer, doitbag. Take it or leave it.”






"Hold on a minute, leg breaker."


“Take it, Stevie. It’s the best deal you’ll get."
"But I got him where I want him, Barry! Another couple of minutes, he'll let me fuck his new trophy wife."
"Look, Dick Cheney’s thugs had to pay a quarter of a billion to Nigeria to get his fat, pasty ass off the hook, for crissake.”
"Oh, all right."


“Well? I’m waitin’!”


“On the advice of counsel, I’ll take it. But you’d better blow me first before you’re sworn in. And you better go easy on the back stroke, ya toothy wop.”


“Once again, justice is soived! Well, I’m off to da Governor’s mansion.”
"Andy, I'm waiting!"

Yeah, basically it went down exactly like that.

Evan Turner: Actual NBA Player?

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , on 11:40 AM

For the first time in about a month and half, Evan Turner looked more like an NBA player and less like a confused extraterrestrial wandering the court. It's about damn time.

Turner scored a career high 23 points on 9 for 12 shooting in the Sixers 123-110 victory over the Suns last night. Sure, the Suns are about as interested in playing defense as BlueStarShockTrooper is in personal hygiene, but this deserves a moment of mild celebration. Let's hope this is the start of something positive for Turner to build on going into the new year. As our own Eric pointed out a couple days ago, aggressiveness and confidence are two of the biggest holes in ET's game right now. Last night, our favorite muppet put both on display.

Lay your peepers on some interesting stats below. Derek Bodner gets all the credit for these. He had them on his Twitter last night. They also appear in his post on Liberty Ballers, which you should check out.





  • Jodie Meeks is shooting 27.7% over the last 10 games. 
  • Evan Turner's stats when Iguodala plays: 4.9ppg on 36% shooting
  • Evan Turner's stats when Iguodala is Out: 13.1ppg on 48.5% shooting
  • Jrue's stats when Iguodala plays: 13ppg, 5.8 assists, 41.6 FG %
  • Jrue's stats when Iguodala is Out: 17.4ppg, 8.4 assists, 49.2 FG %
So a gentleman's golf clap to you, Evan Turner. This was your night. Now let’s just hope the Sixers figure out a way to extract AI9 from this team.

[Photo by Barry Gossage/NBAE via Getty Images]

The Regular Season is Dead to Me

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , , on 11:16 AM

Okay, so the Birds lost to the Joe Webb Vikings. Whatever. The Eagles are the #3 seed in the NFC regardless of what happens in week 17 and it's looking like they'll face the Green Bay Packers on January 9 in Philly for the first round of the playoffs. Not as ideal as a first round bye, but playoffs is playoffs and the cream always rises to the top.  Unless you're the 14-point dog Vikings playing an away game in Philly with zero playoff chances quarterbacked by a run-first rookie.  Dammit, I told myself I'd let it go....

So the Packers it is (probably).  As our friends over at Bleeding Green Nation pointed out yesterday, there are some silver linings here.  While our favorite hog slaughterer will sling passes to Riley Cooper and Chad Hall in a meaningless JV game against the Cowboys on Sunday, the starters' minds will be on the Packers.  The same Green Bay team that survived the first unleashing of the Michael Vick Experience in week 1. No easy task.

You know most of the talk will be about Aaron Rodgers and his poise and his arm and his concussions, but at some point it becomes pointless. The Eagles have a wack-ass defense. They're 22nd in points allowed and give up more red zone scores than a horny chick on her period.  The Packers are going to score. A lot. The key to this game will be how many cheap turnovers the Birds D can generate, and, more importantly, if the offense can actually play consistently good football.

No 4th quarter comebacks. No bullshit. I'm talking 4 straight quarters of DeSean Jackson out patterns, Jeremy Maclin crossing patterns, Shady McCoy screens, and Mike Vick fuck-this-play scrambles for 30 yards.  If they can do that, they'll win.

Fuck the Cowboys.

Drunk and High Midnight Mass FondleFest 2010!

Published by Julia Volkovah under , on 9:06 AM

Seriously, this chick looks like she got raped by The Joker. According to police, her and Chinpubes Tarantino here "crashed a Midnight Mass in Drexel Hill on Christmas Eve...stumbled down the aisle, fondled each other in a pew and flushed drugs down the church toilet." Okay sounds like the kids had some fun...why so serious??

Oh, probably because they had 43 random pills, plastic vials, and a shitload of heroin on them when the cops came. I'm guessing these two will be a little more low-key next time they attempt to rob a church on Christmas. Didn't white people see First Sunday? Even airbrushed Ice Cube knows it's a bad idea to get fucked up before an attempted church robbery. For shame, Alexander Pirone and Catherine McGrath of Upper Darby. For shame.



h/t Philly.com

God Prefers You To Die in Action Movie-like Scenerio

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 8:07 AM

Check out this diagram of how the world has changed over the past decade. All the predictable shit is there: we use more technology, Earth's temperature is rising, the Chinese are using up all the world's energy, etc. But the shocking part is the huge difference in the number of natural disasters and the amount of deaths stemming from them we've had in the aughts. Five thousand more earthquakes? What the fuck??

It's just crazy to think that over 15x more people are dying because of natural disasters. I mean, 146,000 people died from that cyclone in Burma? That's 53x worse than 9/11! Do you think the people there have bumper stickers that say "We Will Never Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Forget"? I would. Then I'd move the fuck out of Burma.

h/t to io9

A Venn Diagram of Fired NFL Coaches

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 7:22 AM


The folks over at Tauntr have put together this little piece to commemorate the fourth in-season head coach firing of the year. Can't wait to see what it looks like after you add in Marvin Lewis, John Fox, Gary Kubiak, and Jeff Fisher. Wait, did I just use the word commemorate? I only hear that word on infomercials for irrationally-priced US coins or white guilt Obama plates.

Pfft, commemorate.

Bullet Ignitors Cause Airport Explosion What Else?

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , on 4:20 PM
Photo on N688AA by Marlo Plate on Airliners.Net
Can American Airlines get a break? Not this week. Today at noon, American Airlines Flight 2253 ran off the runway while landing at Jackson Hole, Wyoming. No one on board was hurt and the NTSB is investigating.

Trust me, these days, you don't want to be American Airlines. Between this flight,  and American pilot Chris Liu's coming out as the producer and narrator of a You Tube video calling aviation security at San Francisco Airport "a farce", one might think the beleaguered Dallas-based company had its share of bad publicity, but that would fail to mention yesterday's events.


On Tuesday,  American Airlines Flight 2585 was being unloaded after arriving from Boston at Miami International Airport. A baggage handler transferring checked bags from that plane to one bound for Jamaica set a suitcase down and it went "boom".  Then there was a fire. Then the bomb squad arrived.

Thankfully the baggage handler was unhurt. This does not diminish the seriousness of the event. Imagine what could have happened had the bag ignited while the B-737 was still in the air.  

Law enforcement photo of Orville Andrew Braham
It turns out that the suitcase contained about 700 flammable bullet primers - paraphernalia for ammunition - rolled up in clothing and stuffed into the lining of the bag.  Authorities arrested the bags' owner, Massachusetts resident Orville Andrew Braham.

As of this writing, I see they have charged Mr. Braham with illegally transporting ammunition.  That Mr. Braham was reportedly arrested for trying to steal television sets off a truck at a big box store in Massachusetts in October, may seem peripheral, but here I think is what makes it relevant.

Last night, while I was talking about aviation safety to cop/pilot/security expert Robb Powers he suggested that a giant step toward effective airport security would involve paying more attention to travelers and less to their belongings.  Does a fellow who's hidden explosive devices in his suitcase present himself differently from other, less emotionally-burdened passengers? I'm guessing yes.

"There's a lot to be desired in passenger screening," Powers told me. "We should be headed down the path where we're looking for people rather than the stuff in their pocket."

What Powers is talking about isn't profiling, but it is centered on the traveler, on paying more attention to what's right before our eyes. Is there something suspicious about the behavior of this individual? Airport security in some countries involves making conversation with travelers and listening with an educated ear and a mind tuned to the patterns of normal and abnormal behavior. 

But this is diametrically different from the experience most travelers have at airports in America. Here the focus is on bags, shoes, jackets, liquids, everything but on our eyes, which if I may paraphrase the poets, is the window to our thoughts.  

The Transportation Security Agency does engage in some passenger observation. I've seen the behavior detection agents working the lines at Reagan National Airport.  These folks get a few weeks training in tell-tale behaviors  and they are free to question would-be travelers if, in their judgment, a conversation seems warranted. But the behavior squad is a small fraction of a security machine that is overwhelmingly dominated by the labor and cost-intensive program that is all about stuff and and the supposition that everyone must be treated as a potential bad guy. 

"Regardless of what type of screening methods you have, these things are going to get through and they still get through to this day," Powers told me somewhat prophetically.  

It would take a different kind of TSA agent to be an effective screener of passengers. These agents would have to be released from the mind-numbing monitoring of x-ray machines and full body scanners and they would have to be given intensive training, treated as professionals and given license to exercise discretion about the steady stream of passengers who cross their path. 

We will never know what a respected, energized, trained and observant TSA agent might have noticed had he or she looked into the eyes Orville Braham and perhaps exchanged a word or two. But despite the luggage checks and sniffer dogs, the stuff in his bag traveled undetected.

This lapse isn't unique to American Airlines. But, bless their Texas hearts, they're leaving 2010 rollin' snake-eyes


Republicans: Never Too Stupid to be Crooked or Obscenely Lucky.

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 12:24 PM

As with Queen Bee Sarah, the Christine O’Donnell saga never ceases to amaze. This time O’Donnell is the subject of a federal probe addressing allegations that she’s used campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. Naturally, I thought of O’Donnell’s impending book deal, so I thought I’d write another open letter to her scumbag literary agent Daniel Strone, CEO of the Trident Media Group.


Dear Danny boy:

Man, you sure know how to pick ‘em. First, you pick to represent someone who is surely the stupidest woman in America and possibly, next to Ayn Rand, the stupidest woman who ever lived. This is a person who doesn’t know the rudiments of the Constitution, beginning with the 1st Amendment of the Bill of Rights, got only 30,000 people to vote for her in the Delaware GOP Senate primary then got crushed by 17 points on Election Day.

Now she’s a subject of the liveliest interest by the federal government, including the FBI, for using “magic money”, or campaign contributions, to pay for personal expenses.

Danny boy, I never thought of you as being a bleeding heart liberal but I gotta hand it to you, reaching down and pulling Ms. O’Donnell out of her own muck and mire by personally getting for her a huge book deal, sight unseen, is the epitome of a bleeding heart bailout. To see a greater show of generosity, one would have to go back earlier this month to the Congressional Republicans when they bravely sought a third round of bailouts for the wealthiest 2%.

No doubt, the controversy swirling around Ms. O’Donnell as the feds close in on her for using her own campaign war chest as her personal ATM or sugar jar will surely drive up sales regardless of what will be ghost-written for her. Perhaps, if you’re really lucky, Danny boy, she’ll prove to be as controversial as other frauds who signed big book deals. I’m thinking specifically of the guy who faked Howard Hughes’ and Adolph Hitler’s memoirs. Maybe O’Donnell will oblige by titling her own biography “Going Rogue” or "America by Heart."

Indeed, Mr. Strone (do you have kids and, if so, are they ridiculed by their peers as “mini-strones”? Just curious), you could not have chosen to elevate from base criminality a better candidate for respectability than if you’d gone to mug shot websites and picked a crack whore or pickpocket or husband killer using the eenie meenie miney mo/dart-over-the-shoulder process obviously used by John McCain when he was still hunting for a running mate.


"Now, open that wallet, bitch! I got radio spots and 6 months of back rent to pay for!"

After all, look what Aileen Wuornos did for true crime nonfiction and the popcorn concession industry (aka the movie industry) when some hot blonde chick underwent a makeunder and played her. And O’Donnell could be the political analogue of the protagonist of Monster. Knowing Christine, who even lies about fingering her clit, she’ll use the same excuse that Wuornos used: “How was I to know that all that money given to me by all those horny men would wind up in the central accounts of my landlord, insurance companies and utility companies?”

Except now she’ll have a huge book contract, courtesy of you and St. Martin’s Press, surely the greatest blow to American literacy since Robert James Waller and Joe the fucking Plumber were signed. So you may have screwed the pooch there a bit.

Still, controversy sells books. Well, maybe not for OJ “If I Did It” Simpson but usually it sells. So who cares that I’m brilliant and talented and can actually write my own stuff? I deserve each and every one of the several dozens of form rejection letters and cold shoulders I’ve gotten, including some from your agency, in response to my hundreds of queries and proposals because I wasn’t smart enough to run for a national office for which I was vastly unqualified.

Because the more that I, and other writers of actual talent, circle around the rim of the toilet of the publishing/literary representation business, the more we realize that talent, diligence and obeying the rules and laws of the land doesn’t count for a dung hill. It’s flouting the laws, reaching beyond one’s grasp and being a shining, ignorant example that if you’re a Republican, you’re never too stupid to be crooked or obscenely lucky.

So when are you going to go out and get Tom “Dancing With the ‘Tards” DeLay and Duke Cunningham?

Robert Crawford, author of American Zen.

The One Where They Say Mike Vick Should've Been Executed

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , on 8:40 AM

While filling in for Sean Hannity last night, Tucker Carlson decided it was a good idea to express his feelings that Michael Vick should've been EXECUTED for killing dogs. He does so in a tone of complete sincerity. I might've been worried if he didn't precede that statement with "I'm a Christian and I believe fervently in second chances..."

The whole thing was brought up during a discussion of Obama's phone call to Jeffrey Lurie to thank him for giving Michael Vick a second chance. They also left out the fact that the real reason for the phone call was to discuss the Eagles plans to power Lincoln Financial Field with alternative energy and give praise for being the first major professional sports team to put the plan in motion.


Video clip of Carlson sounding stupid after the jump.



For the record, I'm not a political guy. I not informed enough (or care enough) to break this into any type of political discussion, or discuss any of the real motives behind some of the "points" made here. It's entirely possible Carlson was speaking in hyperbole (although I don’t necessarily think he was). But even if he was, he's a dope for taking it to the extreme that he did. He should know better this would be posted as fact on every media outlet.

Me personally? I'm a simple man. One who's a big fan of common sense. There's none of it present in this clip. So way to go Tucker, at least we know you're all for second chances.

Unless dogs are hurt, of course. Then we have to cut these bitch's heads off!

[h/t Politico]

Rejoice! The 76ers Update You've Been Waiting For!!

Published by Julia Volkovah under , on 5:32 PM


By TWW friend Eric

12-19. Could be worse. If it was worse, would that be better? Some people like cucumbers better pickled. Huh? Wait, what?

Anywho, hit the jump for insight, nicknames, and random thoughts on where the Sixers stand as we come to the end of 2010.

Biggest Surprise: Jodie Meeks

If you recall, I said in my season preview that I liked Meeks, I just didn’t expect him to get any playing time. Well, I guess I was just used to head coaches that have no idea what they are doing. The team is 7-6 since Jodie made the move into the starting lineup, and its clear that he has helped spread the floor and create space for his teammates to get to the basket. That said, he has been shooting the ball terribly in recent games. I expect him to shoot around 38-39% from 3pt range the rest of the way, and I would like to see him start to get to the basket more often, but we got this guy for free so whatever he gives us is a bonus.

They Are Who We Thought They Were

This team can play defense. This team can’t really play offense. There is not one player on this team that provides offense on a consistent basis, but guys like Jrue, Iguodala, and Brand bring it defensively every game. One of my favorite moments of the season was Elton Brand taking out Blake Griffin when he tried to go up for a Blake Griffin-esque dunk. That’s right, Blake, no easy buckets.

Their biggest problem offensively is that they have nobody to go to when the team really needs to score. What I mean by that is when the team hits or cold spell, or more importantly in the last few minutes of a game, they have nobody to go to that can get it done consistently. In fact, they go to Iggy, which just hurts the team.

Evan Turner…dude, seriously WTF?!?

I was hoping that by now we would have some kind of read on this guy, but it’s the end of December and, well, we don’t. Everything I said before the season started still stands. He still doesn’t appear comfortable playing off the ball, he looks lost/bored on the court, and he is quite possibly the least aggressive NBA player ever. However, he will do something about once every other game that gives us some hope. For a guy who is 6’7’’, he can flat out handle the ball. He hasn’t been hitting jumpers at a high rate, but his form is consistent and that will hopefully turn around with more attempts to get in rhythm. He has good court vision, he can pass the ball, and he has been decent defensively. His rebounding is inconsistent, but he definitely has the ability to be a 5-7 rebound a game guy if he got 30+ minutes. Did I mention he isn’t very aggressive? I like to refer to him as Evan “Hot Potato” Turner. He gets the ball in his hands…aaaannnnnd it’s gone. It’s gotten to the point where I get excited just to see him put the ball on the floor. He should be forced to take at least eight shots a game. Just tell him if he isn’t more aggressive we’ll take away the white girls, because NBA players love white girls. Except Lebron. He’s gay. #unnecessaryshotsatlebronbecauseijustdon’tliketheguy

Sir Thaddeus of Nasty Town…or Thaddeus Prime (both solid nicknames)

Now, here is a guy that shows up to play on a nightly basis. Doug Collins made the decision at the start of the season that he was going to try his hardest to put Thad in the best position to succeed. If he thinks there is a good matchup at PF, then he puts Thad there, and if the matchup is at SF, then that’s where Thad’s minutes are. It’s about time that we just accept that he is a tweener. He isn’t big enough to be a typical PF, but he just doesn’t have the outside shot to be a great SF. He’s a good rebounder, he has great hands, and he likes to throw down. Let him do those things and we’ll all be happy.

#1 Guy That Needs To Go: Lou Williams

A lot of people might say Iguodala, and I’ll get to that in a second, but for me Lou is the guy I want to get rid of the most. Why? He just doesn’t fit on a team trying to develop it’s young guys. He dominates the ball, and his shot selection is awfultrocious. That’s right, I made up a word just to describe Lou’s shot selection. Get rid of him and give those minutes to Evan Turner. A package of Lou Williams and Jason Kap-friendly-expiring-contract should be able to get them something decent, or at the very least a larger expiring contract and a draft pick.

Andre EightyMillionDala…trade time?

Andre has value. If I was a contender in the West, I know I would try to get him. He has a very particular set of skills that makes him a nightmare people like Kobe. Put Iggy on the Spurs, Thunder, Jazz, or Mavericks and suddenly the Laker’s road to the finals gets a little tougher. I don’t know if those teams have assets that I’d want in return, but with the amount of 3 and 4 team trades that go down every year somebody could make it happen if they wanted. I don’t want expiring contracts and bad draft picks for him, but if we could get a contract, a young player, and a draft pick, I’d pull the trigger immediately. If we want to see what Evan Turner can do, then we have to move Iggy. It’s as simple as that. We could send him in a package to Denver that nets us Carmelo, and then just cross our fingers that Melo gets Cliff Lee syndrome and loves Philly so much that he’ll sign an extension.

Cliff Lee, making anything possible in Philadelphia since 2010.

More to Airport Security Than Bitching and Moaning

Published by Julia Volkovah under , on 3:48 PM
Don't pity the patriotic pilot, Chris Liu, an American Airlines employee and Federal Flight Deck Officer, who had his government-issue gun and badge taken back by the Transportation Security Administration earlier this month. He's having his 15-minutes of fame.



Liu was featured Tuesday on CNN, claiming credit for the now famous You Tube video that purports to expose the "farce" of security at San Francisco International Airport. I say purports because as a filmmaker, the 50-year old Liu makes a great pilot. (Yo, Liu, dial up to an Android or an iTouch if you are going to be posting your cell phone videos online. Heck, for you, it might even be tax-deductible.)  

Anyway, I've seen the video, several times in fact. I'm straining to see these breaches in security that Liu is making all the fuss about. In a driveway interview with CNN, Mrs. Liu says her husband is "courageous" for documenting his concerns and sharing them with the flying public.  The TSA, meanwhile, is plenty concerned. About Liu.

In suspending Liu from the FFDO program which had allowed him to carry a firearm into the cockpit, the TSA charges him with a number of violations that makes me think these guys are being paid (like me) by the word. The charge I think will stick, claims he engaged in "conduct that...causes the loss of public confidence in TSA". Causing a loss of public confidence in TSA is a cottage industry these days. Everyone and their brother is either an expert on airport security or the incubator of the next big idea for how to make security more common-sensical. The curious thing about Liu's tape is how much it reminds me of the Hans Christian Anderson tale, The Emperor's New Clothes. 

Liu is heard saying, "As you can see, airport security is kind of a farce, its only smoke and mirrors so you people believe that there is actually something going on here" as he shows a gate area, but I'm not seeing anything other than your ordinary gate area. 

"There's no screen, there's no TSA here," Mr. Liu says pointing his camera at a door marked; "restricted area, authorized personnel only". He's making the point that while you and I are getting felt up and shaken down topside, airline employees are air side, mingling among the planes with little more than a swipe of their ID tags. Only a spokesperson from the San Francisco Airport says the door in the video leads to the employee break room, not the tarmac. 

For a more in-depth analysis of the weaknesses in this aspect of airport security, I'd urge you to read Patrick Smith's Ask The Pilot column from last month's Salon. Are there lapses in airport security? You bet. Do pilots add value to the discussion of how to improve the system? Yes indeed. Flight attendants, mechanics, baggage handlers and gate agents do too.

Robb Powers, is an airline pilot, police officer and aviation security expert, who says he thinks he understands Liu's behavior. "What he did mirrors the frustration that many of us pilots have day in and day out," he told me this evening in a phone conversation. Powers and many other airline employees work through their unions or with their airlines. They attend meetings and read reports. But their work is a tad boring up against the Chris Liu video, the Michael Roberts check point temper tantrum and Corinne Theile's body-scan-preventing bikini. The public's attention on aviation security is all about style and scare stories and little about substance. 

"He's caused an event, but he's hung it out there and he's going to get what he's going to get," Powers said regretfully.  "He went at it in a myopic sort of way, fixing one thing and hurting another."

Powers was talking about the FFDO clearance, which hasn't been discussed much in all the hubbub over the tape.  The TSA in its wisdom decided to suspend Liu's deputation as an flight deck officer on December 8. 

I want to mention that this is the second FFDO to make an appearance in my blog. Eight months ago I wrote about Timothy Martins, an American Eagle pilot and Air Line Pilots Association cover boy, who fed a load of baloney to a magazine writer in an attempt to glorify his past and present. American Eagle wound up terminating Mr. Martins I am told, and you could make a jumbo-jet sized-quiche Lorraine from the egg on ALPA's face. What emerged after I blogged about Mr. Martin from people who claimed to have flown with him, is that he was also a FFDO. This should have prompted at least some review of what remains a controversial program. 

Think of it, while everyone, passengers, pilots and flight attendants are being stripped of their fingernail clippers and plastic spoons, some pilots are cleared to carry handguns into cockpit by virtue of their selection by who else - the very TSA Mr. Liu is so quick to discredit.

Look, every Tom, Dick and Christine has an opinion. I'm just calling for the exercise of some judgment in parsing the difference because some opinions really do mean more than others

American Life in Stasis

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 10:35 AM

It’s a paradox, really.

The further you travel, the wider your opportunities even as the end of the road poking the horizon narrows to the head of a pin. The hand gets slick on the wheel and your eyes gloss over the seemingly endless spool of white or yellow paint in the middle of the road.

What’s that? The rumble strip or the intermittent pieces of metal they put in the middle of the road to warn you you’re about to get hypnotized into one undesirable direction or another. The road never seems to reach its termination yet your gas tank gets lower and lower and the engine gets hotter and hotter.

This is what it’s like being unemployed year after year. Predatory creditors and temp agencies dot the road while getting more and more numerous, little Rutger Hauers and Sean Beans just writhing to climb into your car and to do what they do worst.

Maybe if you’re smart, you’ll learn before it’s too late not to pick up strangers. Those with better cars than you learned that long ago. They’d learned that the people without cars are precisely the ones you should not and cannot help. Employers and literary agencies also learned that Randian lesson- not to give a helping hand to the unemployed and the unpublished.

On second thought, Gentle Reader, this isn’t Highway 66, its wide, arable land of opportunities beckoning with its inaudible siren calls. It’s Death Valley and only those with referrals worn on the chest like pasteboard placards offering work for food can get considered.

It wasn’t like this when I first got my driver’s license. Back in 1978, I was a fresh-faced 19 year-old kid just out on his own making just over $3 an hour and still able to support myself and put money in the bank every week. If my father drummed anything into my sieve of a skull, it was this:

Pay your own way, in cash, live within your means and you’ll do just fine, sonny boy.

My Dad had one, maybe two credit cards and maintained a respectable line of credit that he only dipped into when he had to. Back then, it wasn’t so easy to get a credit card. You had to prove you needed it and that you were solvent enough to get one. It was a privilege having a credit card.

By the 80’s, dogs were getting gold cards.

But then, slowly but surely, something evil began happening on the road of my life that even my dear old, trusted, pragmatic Dad couldn’t have foreseen.

By the early 90’s, potential employers interviewing for crappy, dead-end retail jobs began doing background checks on one’s credit history. By now, it’s almost the norm. Now, to even get a consideration for an even crappier temp job at minimum wage, you’re made to take literacy tests, math tests, quizzes on safety films, eye tests, pass CORI (criminal background), drug and credit rating checks.

Dad, oh Daddy-O, how could you not see this coming? You used to work for Digital. Why didn’t you tell me that the day would come when a guy could hardly hope for a job unless he took some computer science or software class?

Not that they even exist, anymore. Now, the US Chamber of Commerce has made the road more desolate than ever by not so secretly outsourcing jobs overseas to get around that irritating minimum wage so people in the Third World can do the same jobs for pennies an hour, jobs for which we’d trained ourselves at our expense or on the government's dime (until Reagan and David Stockman destroyed CETA).

Somewhere around the same time, credit card companies and other lenders also realized that their customers paying their bills on time was such an antiquated way of doing business. Now, they’ve found a way to make lots more money by stacking the deck against you and making you default on your credit card and mortgage payments and raising your formerly low APR just because you paid late a bill that was completely unrelated to your card.

And, even if you, despite all that goal-post moving, continue making your mortgage payments on time and even own your house outright, well, places like Bank of America found their way around that pesky little ownership thingie, too, and just foreclose on you by signing you up for credit-destroying home loan modifications even if you don’t ask for it.

So, in summation, the road gets drier and more desolate, save for the occasional Rutger Hauers, Sean Beans and other assorted and sundry predators and you’re literally running on fumes. The government that has victimized you by giving away trillions to the same predators who are even now cinching the noose tighter and tighter as jobs are harder and harder to get helps you out once in a while by sending a tow truck your way that’ll drop you off at an abandoned gas station where you’re then left to your own devices. The little bit of help they intermittently give gets you just enough gas to break down within towing distance of the next gas station and the end of the road is now the point of a dagger stabbing at the bruised underbelly of heaven.

Wall Street’s craps game with derivatives and mortgage-backed securities has cost us millions of jobs. The US Chamber of Commerce has cost us millions more with its brazen, despicable agenda to outsource as many manufacturing jobs as possible. And corporations, whether at the behest of Tom Donohue or not, are outsourcing more jobs to be done for as little as .03¢ an hour, have outsourced countless millions more while still enjoying the tax breaks that offshore corporations still get to this day.

But the little guy driving his car still has to pay his state, federal and excise taxes on his overheating car every year. It’s a Mad Max movie out there and the Mohawked lunatics with the bigger and better jalopies are winning the war.

And you wonder as you shift the wheel a bit this way and that, trying to keep it straight and narrow, when things will begin to change and what that would have to involve. Those on the left and right side of the shimmering road can easily agree that our country and the government that guides it has been completely taken over by, or merged with, the corporate sector.

Heaven has run out of manna and saviors and we've killed off the last Good Samaritans. When will it end and when will the common man finally get a break on the wayside? Or is that even in the works?

Airlines Struggle to Cope When Snow Gums Up the Works

Published by Julia Volkovah under , on 8:19 AM
Today was the day I was supposed to begin my new class in international relations at University of Connecticut, but there is a pile of snow here in the Nutmeg state, and school is canceled. Trains to New York City are canceled too so here's an otherwise unscheduled blog post written while listening to the wind howling outside my window, a wind that is making an impressive snow drift in front of my garage door.

A fifty mile swath of snow wreaks havoc causing New York area airports to close or cancel flights. No airport is an island and when New York shuts down it is the closing felt 'round the world. (Hello Qantas, Air France, Virgin America, Emirates and El Al)  An estimated four and a half million travelers were to be using JFK, La Guardia, Newark Liberty International and Stewart Airport this holiday season. If this stranded travelers story seems like deja vu to you, my cosmopolitan readers, that's because you remember that in London - the world's busiest aviation hub - winter weather shut down airports last week. The backlog of passengers didn't start clearing out until Christmas Day. 

The passenger bill of rights was conceived following a similarly inclement December in 2006, when a number of American Airlines flights were diverted. After landing, passengers were left sitting in airplanes on the tarmac for hours because no gates were available.The peevish Kate Hanni who had been on one of the flights, started a passenger rights group that really took off with a redux on JetBlue 14 months later. It was a snowy Valentine's Day and the New York-based budget carrier canceled flights and bungled the handling of the ones remaining. Once again people were stuck on airplanes, passenger tempers boiled, Ms. Hanni's army grew.

Let it snow!

Photo by Khryzanto via Flickr

In his column on the events then, The New York Time's columnist Joe Sharkey makes the important point that passenger rights isn't the issue, its the symptom. The larger problem is one of staffing.  In an era of airline cost-cutting, gate agents, ramp workers, customer service representatives became interchangeable. These jobs could be handled by the same person. (View the episode of Undercover Boss featuring Frontier CEO Bryan Bedford for a great example.) Stretching personnel this way may be an easy and effective option on a sunny day. When the snow flakes hit the fan however, well, the flakes hit the fan.

Even in their new profitable state, few airlines are choosing to hire more people, but the blizzard of 2010 is so far noteworthy in that a few carriers have tried to head off another passenger nightmare scenario. Associated Press is reporting that Delta, Continental, United, American and AirTran will let travelers reschedule their flights without change fees. Reducing the number of folks who must check in at the airport to preserve the value of non-refundable, penalty-for-change airfares, will reduce the stress on the system and on airport workers, not to mention travelers and that has to be a good thing.

But clearly its not an end-all. As surely as the snow will fall in winter, there will be havoc and make no mistake, we are in the middle of the latest episode.  Jason Cochran, trying to make his way from New York to London told CNN yesterday that he was stuck on a plane with broken air conditioning and one bathroom out of service. It was pretty tense, he said. "People felt like they (had) no control over the situation."  That's right Jason, weather can do that.

Christmas with the Wife and Kid

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 6:40 PM
Last night was an adventure in Christmas gift wrapping. As with last year, Popeye kept pawing at the presents even as I was trying to wrap them, especially the cat toys on which I'd sprinkled cat nip. Unlike last year, the little shit didn't get his way and had to wait until this morning like everyone else.







.oO WTF was he thinking? Oo. "I mean, thank you, honey!"


As usual, the annual frogs calendar was a big hit.




.oO Hm. Spicy sausages. Is he trying to tell me something? Oo.


Peace on earth... finally.

Christmas, 1914-5

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 4:54 PM

(This was a post I'd put up on Christmas Day two years ago. Out of my thousands of posts written over the last six years, it's one of my personal favorites and I just thought it was worth reposting. Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all and may today, and every day thereafter, be marked with joy, love for your fellow man, safety and hope.)

Every Christmas, ever since the invasion of Iraq, I remind myself of the moving and legendary Christmas truce between British and German forces that took place in 1914. Actually, contrary to most any other historical event, rather than being exaggerated, the truce, singular, is actually downplayed and scaled down. The cease-fire between opposing sides on Christmas Eve 1914 was more widespread and longer-lasting, even spawning at least two sequels in the two succeeding years.

The First World War was one of the most barbaric ever, the century's first global clash of nations using mechanized tools of war. Unlike previous wars, dogfights between pilots in airplanes were common and the strange spectacle of diesel-powered tanks dipping and rumbling across the cratered terrain of European battlefields had easily led people to believe that war between humans had crossed that threshhold into the inhuman.

Which is why the story of the Christmas truce between enemies during this same war is all the more remarkable. It's a still-heartening reminder that, while the technology of war had evolved, the human heart had remained constant and good will toward one's fellow man had yet to become a quaint notion.

When German soldiers were observed decorating their foxholes and barricades and overheard singing Christmas carols, the British soldiers across No Man's Land had responded in kind. Soon, soldiers approached eachother, their hands up, without permission from their officers and a truce was declared. Presents such as jam, cigars, cigarettes and so forth were exchanged. Equipment was also exchanged between sides so living conditions could be improved. The dead left out in No Man's Land were buried and mourned by both sides.

Then someone proposed playing a game of soccer. Actually, several soccer games broke out. The high command of both sides were outraged this was going on but were powerless to stop it since many of their lower field officers had happily joined in the abrupt festivities.

Similar stories began emerging that this had happened among French and Belgian forces. Perhaps photographs of loved ones were traded during the truce and whatever little communication there was between French, Belgian, English and German troops spoke of simple, common pleasures. As with the current Pope Benedict today, the last, Benedict XV, had earlier that year called for an end to the bloodshed.

Contrary to popular belief, these truces lasted longer than Christmas. According to several accounts by those who were there, the truce actually lasted for the better part of a week and wouldn't resume until fresh troops would relieve the ones who'd lain down their arms.

It was a very necessary reminder to these men that whatever advances had been made in war technology, the mustard gases and ugly machines that had taken over the landscape, humans were still humans the world over and fellow Christians could still find some common ground and celebrate a common holiday, putting a world war and the unimaginable human devastation on a back burner.

It is impossible to imagine anything like that happening these days, partly because we are fighting a nebulous enemy that wears no uniforms, carries no identification cards or dog tags nor even shares our religion or celebrates our holidays.

But the differences in religion don't fully explain the new breed of barbarity we're seeing in the world today. War has gotten more impersonal than ever with longer-range weapons, faster and harder tanks and laser-guided smart bombs yet when it gets down to it, it can still get quite personal and ugly.

Maybe, as Albert Einstein said, the fourth world war will be fought with rocks and Mankind will once again be able to see the whites of eachother's eyes as they try to kill and maim eachother again. And perhaps that proximity in the absence of sophisticated war technology will better remind these future enemies that Christmas and Easter afford irresistible opportunities for them to recognize and celebrate eachothers' similarties instead of hating them for their differences.

The truces of 1914-5 were held in defiance of generals and politicians who had seen no place for the Christmas spirit in the alien desolation of the battlefields. This defiance in defense of what is fundamentally and universally human is something we're seeing all too infrequently these days and may never see again.

MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 12:58 PM
With prayers for safe travels home and sweet times with your loved ones this Christmas.
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