NOPE. We're doin' just fine.

h/t to BleedingGreenNation for this (possbily photoshopped) pic.

Madden 2004 - It happened. The promise of Michael Vick's full potential was fulfilled this Monday night in Landover, Maryland. You know the stats: 20/28 for 333 yards passing, 4 passing touchdowns, 80 yards rushing, and 2 rushing touchdowns. Yes, this changes everything.

ESPN may have the Falcons at #1 on their Power Rankings this week, but they were beaten handedly by the Eagles less than a month ago with a backup quarterback. NFL fans are now realizing that they are literally witnessing football history on a weekly basis. Mike Vick is undefeated in any game he has started and finished. He has zero interceptions. He has zero lost fumbles. He's running a very complex offensive scheme with absolute ease. He's piloting the leagues most explosive offense to new heights in a year where most of the Super Bowl favorites have been grounded. Shit, the Pro Football Hall of Fame even requested Vick's jersey from Monday night. This is big. This is historic. This is Madden 2004.

Michael Vick is in a position to make one of the greatest comebacks in sports history. A mercenary field general with a cannon arm and a killer instinct is leading a team of talent-drenched kids through the NFL jungle. Neither NFL golden boy Peyton Manning nor friendly foe Donovan McNabb could stop them. What exactly are we witnessing here?

With 7 weeks remaining in the regular season and so much left unanswered, this story is far from over. But as of now, if this Philadelphia Eagles team can stay healthy, it looks like there is a legitimate shot of Michael Vick -- the same man who spent 2 years in prison and last year running 2-yard wildcat plays -- hoisting the Lombardi trophy.

The NFL: Where Amazing Happens.

What else did we learn? LaRon Landry Got His, Dimitri Patterson's Hands are Sticky, Jerome Harrison: Karma Police, Beat 'em After a Bye, Steve Young: Critic turned Believer, How to Beat Vick, Andy Reid Back Pats, Mike Vick Head Explosion Meter, DeSean's Record, Worst to First, and Fuck the Giants.


LaRon Landry Got His - You talk shit before a game to a player/team that's better than you and you get what you deserve. Some things are fair game in the verbal confrontations that proceed an NFL kickoff. Brain-threatening concussions aren't one of them. That's why it was so gratifying to see that shit-talking, center-spitting asshole get his on play numero uno. Suck it, #30.

Dimitri Patterson's Hands are Sticky - I really hope teams keep testing this guy. There are reasons beyond a hip flexor as to why Ellis Hobbs' buttcheeks are warming bench every Sunday. Dimitri Patterson is pretty good. In each of the last two games, Patterson has been tested by top-flight quarterbacks and has made them pay. A fantastic game against Reggie Wayne last week and two INTs and a pick six on Monday. I love DP! Wait....

Jerome Harrison: Karma Police - Eleven carries for 109 yards (9.9 avg) and a TD. Nothing in this life is free, Cleveland. You can't just go around stealing awesome runningbacks and not have a trade come back to bite you in the ass at some point. The universe has a way of keeping itself in balance, so consider the Mike Bell for Jerome Harrison exchage payback for what you did to Denver.

Beat 'em After a Bye - You mean to tell me the Redskins had two weeks to prepare for that ass-whooping on Monday? That's the best McNabb and Shanahan could do in TWO WEEKS!? Haaaahahahahahaha.

Steve Young: Critic turned Believer - I watched the whole 12-hour ESPN pre-programming for this weeks Monday Night Football game. During several of their 700 segments, it was apparent that Hall of Fame QB Steve Young was critical of Michael Vick and his (former) style of play. It was obvious to any Eagles fan that Steve either hadn't watched much of the Birds this season or that he was threatened by the success by another left-handed running QB, but immediately after the game he was Vick's #1 cheerleader. Young called Vick's performance "a transformational moment," "the full fruition of the position," and "one of the most defining games at quarterback I’ve ever seen." Think he's a fan now?

How to Beat Vick - Another thing Steve Young managed to point out was the difference in game planning for Vick opposing teams must go through now that they didn't have to when he was a Falcon. The rule of thumb was to spy him, make your defensive ends hold their position, and force him to throw from the pocket. The Eagles were actually great at this and that's part of the reason why they often contained Vick in their former battles. Nowadays, things are much different.

As Young mentioned, you may want to completely flip your game planning strategy now for Mr. Mexico. Instead of forcing him to stay in the pocket (where he had a perfect 158.3 QB rating on Monday), you may want to force him to run. Sure, you're going to give up big chunks of yards and lots of underneath passes, but you're saving yourself from the back-breaking deep passes that have murdered teams thus far this year. Let him run and try to get good licks on him when he doesn't go out of bounds -- the dude has already admitted he won't ever slide. This is the only way to contain MV7 at the moment, and if the Giants are smart, this'll be what they look to do Sunday night.

Andy Reid Back Pats - The team was ripe for a big letdown on the road after a big home win against Peyton Manning and the Colts, but came through and dominated a tough divisional opponent. They didn't even start practicing until last Thursday! Andy Reid and the rest of the coaches deserve some serious credit here, especially since we give him so much shit when things don't work out well. If they can pull off a convincing win against the Giants, Big Red better be getting at least a HJ from wifey this week.

Mike Vick Head Explosion Meter -

DeSean's Record - That 88-yard opening play touchdown was actually the longest reception of DeSean's career. And, you know, he's had a lot of long ones. #Pause

Worst to First -

Yeah, just let that marinate in through your thoughtsicles for a while.

Fuck the Giants - I mean, really. Fuck the Giants.

I live and work in New York, and the only thing more annoying than the pervasive urine smell and expensive rent are Giants fans. Sure, I've met a few good-natured ones here and there that can have an intelligent conversation concerning the NFC East and can predict outcomes objectively, but for the most part they're just as delusional and homer-d out as many Philly fans. C'mon guys, your city has two teams of which yours is the worst, and you're trying to tell me Eli Manning is better than Michael Vick right now? You must've inhaled too much hobo urine, buddy. I'm taking cash and desktop wallpaper bets all week. Get ready to get blown out like your sisters boyfriends hair.

Go Birds.

It's kinda hard to put this into words right now. As I sit here it's currently 59-21 and Michael Vick probably just had the best game any QB has ever had. Ever. I really don't think I'm going out on much of a limb when I say that. The guy just became the first NFL QB to throw for 300+, rush for 50+, throw four TDs and run for two...EVER. Like in the history of the NFL. Steve Young never did that. Fran Tarkenton didn't do it. Nor did Randall or McNabb (but he did get $40M guaranteed). And the most impressive fact of it? He did it in only three quarters.

When Vick starts (and finishes) a game, the Eagles are 4-0. They move the ball seemingly at will, running the "West Coast" offense (or at least Andy's version of it) probably better than even Andy ever thought it could be run. It's hard to find a fault with what this Vick-led Eagles team has done so far. This really is a very good football team right now, plain and simple.

It's still hard to believe that we're here now talking about Michael Vick, dominating the NFL, as a member of the Philadelphia Eagles. If you described this exact scenario, three years ago, to any Eagles fan you would have been laughed at, then had beer dumped on you. Now? This scenario may just end with the Eagles winning a whole lot more than we ever thought possible.

Michael Vick just delivered an all-time performance. Crazy. And awesome. And...unbelievable.

Go Birds.

Because I can't say it any better than Barry Petchesky, here is TheWizWit breakdown of the new McNabb deal using only photographs. I hope you enjoy it, people-who-won't-be-getting-40 million dollars.

I'm not going to explain this picture. All you need to know is that McNabb's fashion sense has always been keen, he loves him some Achy Breaky Heart, and hangs out with a fake Billy Bob Thornton from Bad Santa. 

We also believe that after this photo was taken, McNabb auditioned for 'Friend #2" on an episode of Fresh Prince.

Carry on.

[pic via Redskins Blog]

It looks like Mike Shanahan, the head coach and supposed mascot for the Washington Redskins, has some pull in the Madden world. After Shanny's benching of Arizona McHuskyshape, the folks over at EA decided to drop the former Eagles QB's stamina rating from a 97 to 85 in their Week 9 update. This now assures that you'll be playing with Rex Grossman after scrambling more than 10 yards with Donovan.

Hooray for simulated football justice!

Also of note, the game's developers have decided that Kenny Britt's unlubed raping of the Eagles secondary wouldn't go unpunished as they dropped Ellis Hobbs' overall rating from an 81 to a 76 and Nate Allen's from a 79 to a 71. To reiterate: Kenny Britt has single-handedly made the Eagles' defense 13 points worse. RU Rah Rah.

h/t to Deadspin and PastaPadre

So by now you've all heard the story of how Redskins coach Mike Shanahan benched Donovan McNabb at the end of last Sunday's game because he lacked the "cardiovascular endurance" to run the two-minute offense. Now, former NFL QB, current ESPN analyst, and noted Beta male Tim Hasselbeck weighed in on the situation today on Mike and Mike in the Morning with the following comments:

"I was a teammate of Donovan McNabb's in Philadelphia. One of the things that drove them crazy in Philadelphia was the lack of tempo at which he practiced.... It was always something where you're leaving the quarterback meeting and it would be, 'Hey, listen, the head man wants a little more tempo today.' Nearly every single day. That's been the deal with Donovan McNabb. I know exactly what Mike Shanahan is talking about."

Ooo, Timmy's talkin shit. YA BURNT, Donovan! I guess you'll just have to go back to being the multi-millionaire starting quarterback for the Washington Redskins while Hasselbeck hides the black eye he got from his wife under a pair of dark sunglasses.

Oh, and after the jump there's a picture of McNabb wearing a du-rag getting stretched out by a thick white lady. Enjoy!

So for those of you keeping score at home: McNabb out, Kolb in, Kolb out, Vick in, Vick out, Kolb in. And hopefully Kolb out. Very, very soon.

I may stand alone here as the guy starting the slow clap for our former QB, but it's totally justified. We got what we deserved. McSoup didn't play great, but he played well enough to win a game he probably wanted more than any of us could imagine. Hogmurder had his shot at history -- and beating McNabb in his first return game after Vick got injured would surely be historic -- but alas, it was not to be.

So what did we learn? Kevin Kolb is a Scared Shell of a Quarterback, Owen is the Schmitt, Appreciate Shady, Eagles got Clocked, Mike Bell Sucks, Where's the Rush?, Asante's Business Decisions, Countdown to Meltdown, The Prophet Barkley, and McNabb's Last Laugh.

Kevin Kolb is a Scared Shell of a Quarterback - Make no mistake -- this is not the same Kevin Kolb we saw last year. Remember the guy who was the first ever to throw for 300 yards in his first two starts? That obviously wasn't the same dude who took the field after Vick's awesome-injury-scramble-to-the-endzone-that-never-happened. You don't get to 300 yards dunking the ball to your running back every play, you get it by throwing deep and on time to your Pro Bowl-calibur WRs. The guy that has been playing in the Kevin Kolb jersey since the regular season started is NOT the same person who allowed the Eagles to trade Donovan McNabb with confidence. That dude was pretty good. This guy looks like vagina personified.

I know what you're thinkin: "I knew there was no way a QB with those stupid black spandex sleeves could be good!" And maybe you're right. But I know I saw a different quarterback last year and in training camp than the one I was forced to watch Sunday. Kevin, it's obvious you're looking to avoid that soul-crushing Pick Six and the Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra of boos that go along with it, but playing it safe is only making you look like a beaten and terrified shell of a football player. You're probably going to start for the foreseeable future. You've gotta find a way to play like you've got nothing to lose, even if the complete opposite is true.

Owen is the Schmitt - I almost forgot this guy was on the team. Like the rebound girl you end up dating, Owen Schmitt has been nothing short of a pleasant surprise after an epic backwards-knee catastrophe ended Leonard Weaver's career season. Four catches for 43 yards? I'll take it. Thank the lord Jeebus that you can catch. With the possibility of Shady being out...any chance you can run, too? White fans will love you!

Appreciate Shady - Speaking of Shady, what more can I say about the kid? It seems like every week I'm praising him for one thing or another. Just another day at the office for LeSean McCoy: 64 yards rushing and 12 catches for 110 yards receiving. My man was the best player on the field EVEN AFTER PLAYING THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF WITH A FRACTURED RIB. If LeSean has to stay out any considerable amount of time, I think we'll soon realize how much this team depends on his production. Sure, he had that big fumble...but the dude had a broken rib. Some slack? You needs ta cuts him some.

Eagles Got Clocked - Andy Reid is a moron. That being said, the whole fiasco at the end of the half was not entirely his fault. When the ref came back from review, he said very clearly that the play stands. Then the ball was moved back from 4th and inches to 4th and 1 -- with zero explanation. If the play stands, then the ball should stay put, no? If you changed the yardage after review, then you say that when you announce your decision. Can't have it both ways. So yes, Andy Reid is a time-blind dummyface. But he was also given the thick black shaft by the refs. The cost? Well, the game, probably.

Mike Bell Sucks - God he fucking sucks...and I was so excited when we signed him, too! He ran so strong for New Orleans last year that either A) the tank is empty or B) this year was just a paycheck for him. It's a good thing the Birds are looking into signing Marshawn Lynch because there is no way we can go into a game with Mike '2.0 yards a carry' Bell as the #1 RB. Mike Bell sucks.

Where's the Rush? - One sack. One. And it was by Ernie Sims. Was defending the zone blocking scheme that hard where you couldn't get past a pretty bad Offensive line? Trent Cole -- you were facing a backup! You guys are jerks.

Asante's Business Decisions - I was always the first person to defend Asante whenever someone would bring up his lack of tackling, but Sunday was a disgrace. He deserved his 22 Tackle rating in Madden.  He likes to make what Deion Sanders calls "business decisions" when it comes to tackling. That is, not putting yourself in a position to get hurt tackling and making your money on INTs. I dig. But you can't just shoulder guys and/or completely duck away from them when they initiate contact. You played like Pussasaurus Rex for the majority of the game and STILL got a concussion. Asante -- hit somebody next time, homeboy.

Countdown to Meltdown - If Kevin Kolb is as ineffective next week as he was this week throwing the ball down field this week, I'm pretty sure DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin are going to go T.O. all over his ass. Maclin's frustration was obvious. It'll be more so after an entire week of preparation with a similar result.

The Prophet Barkley -

Charles Barkley, pictured HERE with his 3 favorite things in the world (hint: it's white women), has always been very vocal about his love of Donovan and his disdain for an Eagles organization that he felt never gave Mac-5 his just due. Well, Charles, you were calling this game for quite some time and you were right. It's funny -- I can't really think of any other Philadelphia athlete that could pull all the shit you have and still remain a fan favorite. Fights, casino debts, harsh words about the Philadelphia fanbase, DUIs...and we still love you. What gives? Did you win a bet with Satan and ask for eternal immunity? Cause here I thought you were turrible at gambling.

McNabb's Last Laugh - Donovan McNabb beat the Eagles in Philly against BOTH of their replacement quarterbacks.  Phase one of Donovan's quest is complete. Phase two involves a deep playoff run and a Super Bowl victory. Phase two will never happen.

But a sincere congratulations is in order for the man who personally made me a Philadelphia Eagle fan above all other sports teams in this city.  He deserved this game and deserves all the success (and future dirt-ball failures) that lay ahead.  Best of luck in the future to the greatest quarterback in the history of this team.

Next up: Kevin Kolb/Mike Bell vs. the San Francisco 49ers.  I have a soft spot for the Niners ever since I went to San Fran and realized it is one of the coolest cities I've ever been to.  And I'm straight!  If you get the chance, go there.  I just hope this time next week they're 0-5.

Go Birds.

h/t to the700level for the Barkley pic.

By TWW friend Eric

The McNabb returning to Philly commentary has reached a breaking point. What I mean is that I want to break my television and the face of each idiot commenting on it. Am I bothered by those speaking on McNabb’s legacy and the upcoming game? Not at all.  It’s the idiots who are using retard-strength crystal balls to predict fan reaction to his introduction that really grinds my gears.

After the jump, I'll call out a few of these clowns by name and continue to spit hot fire on them.


Let's start with Trent Dilfer.  He predicted fans will boo and it will be “pathetic.” Well, Trent Dilfer, you’re pathetic. You just insulted an entire fan base for something that they haven’t done yet. You won a Super Bowl on a team led by a player that killed a guy. Your self deprecating humor is annoying, and your condescending tone indicates that you’re totally a dick in real life. I’d rather watch Merril Hoge - and I really hate Merril Hoge.

Jemele Hill did the same thing. I was actually a little upset to read her article, because I usually like what she writes. Let me paraphrase: Eagles fans are classless and will boo McNabb, which in-turn makes them more classless. Well Jemele, you are Trent Dilfer -- shut uppa yo face. Oh, and the crap about booing him at the draft needs to stop.  That was like 15-20 dudes ELEVEN YEARS AGO.  How the hell does that represent the entire fan base????

Herm Edwards had the best comments I've heard so far.  You know why?  Because he gets it. He played here and he knows the fans. He said that he expects mostly cheers, and the fans will boo their team when they aren’t playing well, because…wait for it…they care!!! Holy shit a fan base that voices displeasure in their team?!?! Somebody call Jemele Hill: I need commentary!!

Go ask Allen Iverson how he was received when he came back to Philly. AI had just as many haters as McNabb, but the cheers he got rivaled anything I've heard at a sporting event. Did Iverson win a title? Nope. Was he much more balla than McNabb? In every way imaginable. But the main difference between Iverson and McNabb: McNabb never embraced the fans and always played the victim, while Iverson did the exact opposite. Iverson's attitude was always that many people loved him and a few hated him. He knew that the city just wanted to see someone leave everything out on the court/field every single game. McNabb never understood that a huge portion of the fan base loved him.  There is a small group (the overly vocal idiots that call into talk radio) who don't like anybody and are kinda racist. McNabb never embraced Philly fans because of that small group.  If Sunday comes and he gets booed, then he gets booed.  But I for one will be standing and applauding, and I’m willing to bet that most fans will do the same.

By the way -  Brett Favre got the shit booed out of him in Green Bay. That actually happened, but didn’t receive this kind of commentary.  God, I hate Trent Dilfer. 

Michael Vick is heartless, dog-drowning sociopath...if by "heartless, dog-drowning sociopath" you mean the GREATEST QUARTERBACK IN THE WORLD.

Holy shit just look at my dude bein' all menacing and awesome. McNabb? He's a Chunky soup-slurpin', interception-smirking punaniface. Kolb? He sucks. But Michael, oh Michael...you're the one. You're the shit like 50 I'm-the-shit-like similes from Lil' Wayne.

Oh, what's that? You're one of those Eagles fans that could never let MV7 turn the page on his conviction? You're that guy who could never come to grips with the fact that your favorite football team is now being led by Ookie so you openly rooted  for his failure? Well I'm here to tell you it's okay -- but I know how you feel:

So what did we learn this week? Well, The Jaguars are Really Really Bad, MV7 for MVP, Save Him for Later, OBEY THE LAWS, DeSean's First Dougie, StewBrad to the Rescue, and Silence for the Dead.

The Jaguars are Really Really Bad - Yes indeedy.  While I'm as excited for the possibilities of what Vick can accomplish as the next delusional Eagles fan, I understand that we really must temper our feelings in this case.  The Jaguars are a bad football team.  The Football Outsiders agree.  I could sit here and Google a bunch of facts about how they're 29th in the league at this and last in the league in that, but that would be wasting your valuable time with Jaguars statistics.  You're probably at work...reading Jacksonville Jaguars stats is like giving your company the finger.

MV7 for MVP -

Save Him For Later - "Fourth and 1 and you run a sweep to Mike Bell?!"  Yes, I thought the same thing...but there's a reason for Andy and Marty sparingly using their second-year burgeoning star RB: it's a long season.  There was a point last year where LeSean McCoy hit "the wall" and could no longer produce as he did earlier in the season.  Why wear him out too early in a game against the Jaguars?  I mean, their uniforms and logo look like the pattern a gay 12-year old would have on their pajamas.  Save Shady's legs now and keep him strong heading into the playoffs.  Yeah bitch I said playoffs.

OBEY THE LAWS - That's my dude.  Trevor Laws -- the first Eagles player to link this blog -- had a ridiculous game yesterday showcasing power, tenacity, and a raggity-ass-awesome beard.  Six tackles, a sack, and two defensed passes.  OBEY THE LAWS!

DeSean's First Dougie - Check it out here.  Sadly, the camera pans away before DeSean can really get into intricate add-your-own-flava steps of the Dougie, but at least he gave us the end zone dance move we've been asking for. No, really, we've been asking for this. Although DJack didn't answer us via Twitter, I don't think I'm stepping my bounds by assuming that TheWizWit was his sole source of inspiration and that the dance was simply a physical way of showcasing how much he cares about this blog. You're welcome, Mr. Jackson.

StewBrad to the Rescue - Total points scored against the Eagles while Stewart Bradley is playing - 6.  With a deep D-line rotation and several similarly-mediocre CBs (after Asante), Stew might be the most valuable part of this defense.  As I've said before: Omar Gaither suuuucks.

Silence for the Dead - Donovan F. McNabb makes his way back to Philadelphia this Sunday.  I think all of us over the past several years have at some point envisioned what this game would look like.  Who would McSoup be playing for? Who would be the Eagles quarterback?  What did we trade him for?  After now understanding the answers to all of these questions, the situation doesn't seem any less strange.

There are books that can (and probably will) be written about McNabb's time in Philly.  I'll save you the emotional paintings and nostalgia, but it will be important how we as Philly fans react to Donovan's return nonetheless.  The national spotlight will be on us, the fans of Philadelphia, for those few moments as he runs onto the field.  This is our chance to finally dispel those tired and trite depictions of us as Booers of Santa Claus.  Sure, we like to run onto the field of Citizens Bank Park every once and again and sometimes throw up on the daughters of police...but those things are few and far between.  We know who we really are: passionate, fun, knowledgeable, demanding, and we show phenomenal poise in the pocket. WE'RE GREAT FANS.  So I say fuck their stereotypes.

Let's have a moment of silence when Donovan runs onto Lincoln Financial at 4 o'clock Sunday afternoon.  One part respect for what he's accomplished in our uniform, one part intolerance for his decade-long nonchalant and frustratingly casual attitude, and one part "you were wrong about us, America".  Booing would be too predictable and applause would be too boring. Silence would be a surreal moment for Mac-5 and Eagles fans alike.  I say let's do it.

Go Birds.


Main photo By: Doug Benc/Getty Images Other Photo By: D. Hallowell for PhiladelphiaEagles.com

I know, it’s too obvious. Honestly though, sometimes obvious is the way to go. After another competitive season in 2009 that saw the Cowboys dominate the Eagles, Eagles dominate the Giants and the Giants dominate the Cowboys (and everyone dominate the Redskins), it’s become apparent that this division will continue to be a three horse race. Yes, the Redskins added a five-time Pro Bowl quarterback in Donovan McNabb (click here for a career synopsis if you’re unfamiliar with him) but he’s really not a guy who can carry a team anymore (if he ever really was). The Redskins still have a litany of problems (see below) and ultimately won’t be a real threat to the division crown. However, the Giants and Cowboys certainly will.

So, yes, the NFC East is Three Men and a Baby. You have the Cowboys (Peter), the Giants (Michael) and Eagles (Jack) forced to take care of a baby (DMac/Redskins) left by Jack’s recent co-actress (Joe Banner). Is it perfect? No, but we all know the childish ways of #5 and it just seems right. Plus, anytime you can associate Joe Banner with a woman who starred in So I Married an Axe Murderer you have to do it.

Anyway, onto to some objective homer analysis.

Cowboys (WizWit prediction – Underachieve for 8 weeks only to turn it on, capture the hearts and blowjobs of the media and then lose in dynamic fashion to the Saints or Packers in the playoffs).

After watching the Eagles absolutely shit the sleeping bag (which is much worse than shitting the bed, just think about it) against the Cowboys three times last year, there’s definitely a case to be made that the Eagles are closer to the Redskins than the Cowboys. I’m not sure I agree, but I do know the Cowboys enter this season as the division favorite. The Boys’ (I always enjoy calling them this because it obviously means they aren’t “Men.” Which is fitting since they’re QB is a little bitch. Yea, suck on that BlueStarShockTrooper. Go “cam up” with Joe Buck and masturbate to Troy Aikman’s 1992 Topps card. Then kill yourself. Or skip step one and go right to step two, I’ll leave that up to you.) have an incredible list of talent, a list that probably rivals any team in the NFL. They have Pro Bowl players on both sides of the ball and added another dynamic weapon in Dez Bryant through the draft. If this team plays to its peak, they are probably a 13 win team.

However, Tony Romo is a much better fantasy QB than a real one. He has yet to really come up big in a spot when necessary (don’t point to the Eagles games last year, those were almost totally because the Birds were ineffective on offense, the Eagles have owned Romo just as much as he’s owned them over the past four years) and I still don’t know if he ever will. Their offensive line has been reworked since Flozell Adams’s departure and they lack any real depth if there is an injury. Also, and this is a big ALSO, I need to see Miles Austin do it again before I totally believe. Yes, he was outstanding last year. Yes, smart money is that he will be again. But, if he regresses at all, the Cowboys weapons on the outside really aren’t scary. Roy Williams is terrible and Dez Bryant is a rookie. If Austin’s production slips, they aren’t left with much else outside of Jason Witten (who is incredible, but is just one guy). Marion Barber doesn’t scare anyone anymore and Felix Jones certainly can’t carry a starting load since he’s made of leftover plastic pieces from old G.I. Joe figures. So, when you break it down, the Cowboys still have questions. It’s just that they probably have fewer questions than the rest of the teams in the division.

Giants (WizWit prediction – another two losses to the Eagles, since we own their ass. OWN. THEIR. ASS.)

The Giants, whom I’ve decided I hate more than any other professional sports team besides the Mets, are due to rebound (or so says the national media). Since losing to the Eagles late in the 2008 NFL season, the G-Men have basically been a .500 team with a crappy defense. That’s not much different than, say, the Broncos. But, they’ve been perceived to be much better, a discrepancy that I took to figuring out.

Thinking…

Thinking…

Closer…

Got it!

They “play” in New York. Honestly that’s the only reason. The last good team they beat that wasn’t the Cowboys (since they suck anyway) is the Panthers all the way back in December 2008. And that was a Panther team quarterbacked by Captain Interception Jack Delhomme. They weren’t really that good either. So, they have to show me they can beat a good team before I anoint them a legitimate Super Bowl contender. They scream 9-7 to me.

Plus, and this is a big PLUS, do they have a defense? Last time I watched the Giants they were letting Jonathan Stewart run for 784 yards on three carries. Do the math, that’s not a good defense. Did one offseason fix that? Let’s look at their linebackers: Keith Bullock (old), Jonathan Goff (huh?) and Michael Boley (seriously). They’re pretty much Justin Tuck and a bunch of crap. Not impressed, not at all. And who is covering DeSean? Corey Webster? Good luck with that, G-Men.

Redskins (the WizWit prediction – Albert Haynesworth eats a lot. Donovan McNabb throws the ball into the ground a lot. Clinton Portis gets hurt a lot. Chris Cooley gets naked a lot. Mike Shanahan misses John Elway a lot. Oh, and they lose. A lot.)

Donovan McNabb is their quarterback. Mike Shanahan has built exactly one contender since 1998, one (and that was a team whose QB was Jake Plummer, no wonder they lost). And their roster of washed up RB’s that were nasty in 2005 just won’t cut it. Plus, if something were to happen to McNabb (who is already hurt) their backup is Rex Grossman. REX GROSSMAN. Enough said.

So I hope I've done a good enough job of raising your spirits for this up coming football season. Andy Reid has only had one season since 2000 where the team was worse than 8-8, so I really think that is their floor here. Kevin Kolb might not be great, but I can't see him totally falling on his face Bobby Hoying style. This team won't be as bad as some national analysts are thinking they will be.

Honestly, I predict 16-0 and a Super Bowl championship. And if you have a problem with that, take it up with Ted Danson.

I'm writing this for four reasons:

1) I haven't written much of anything recently since I'm at work from 8 - 8 everyday. Doesn't leave much room for anything else. At least I'm not working surrounded by Yankees, Mets and Giants fans. Oh wait...I am.

2) I just finished reading Bill Simmons' book Now I Can Die In Peace, a lovely novel that I suggest you read even if you hate the Red Sox (which I do). It makes you feel better about being a sports fan while still having you question why you care so much in the first place the entire time. It's really the perfect "sports fan manifesto."


3) The Phillies lack of urgency and crappy play has me seriously doubting this season. I'm aggravated that they finally traded for my favorite player (Roy Halladay) only to decide that they "aren't worried" and "won't start pressing" when it's painfully obvious that they're missing the same "desire" this year that carried them from '07-'09. Is the season over? Not yet, but another two weeks of lethargic play and it will be.

4) In an annual ritual that gets more exciting for me every year (which says more about my life than even I can comprehend) I purchased my first 2010 Fantasy Football magazine yesterday. (Sidenote: is Fantasy Football a proper noun? I say it is, but I'm not sure. So if you're an English major and you're reading this...let me know. Or someone just lie to me. Either works fine.) There is nothing quite like flipping through a fantasy magazine each July and beginning to think about how you're going to fuck up your draft this year. Last year, I took Matt Forte in the first round and Steve Smith (the old one who had about three good games the whole year) in the third...yet still managed to make the finals. This year? I bet I get the first pick, struggle to choose Peterson or C.J. and then whoever I choose breaks their leg in Week 2. How I've made the finals two straight years with bad luck from my top picks, I'll never know. Granted, I lost both times. I feel like the Jim Kelly of fantasy football.

Anyway, mix everything above, add lack of sleep and you get me thinking about the Eagles a little too much for July 20th. Currently, we sit exactly one week from the first Eagles training camp practice. Yes, it's only rookies and selected veterans (also known as players the coaches desperately want to prove weren't a wasted draft pick or players coming back from injury), but it's football so it's good in my book. Needless to say, I'm excited.

Why am I excited? Well, there are a number of reasons. Before every football season I get excited for a number of reasons. It's just that this year, the reasons are a little bit different than in past seasons. Actually that's the first reason.

MORE NUMBERS!

1) This year doesn't feel like every year for the past 10 seasons. Is that solely because McNabb isn't around? Probably, but who cares? We're Eagles fans -- we are constantly grasping for reasons to be optimistic. For any other team in the NFL trading the best quarterback in the history of your franchise isn't a good thing. For the Eagles though, it was absolutely necessary. Trading McNabb liberates the franchise; we can finally move on past his antics, his lack of playing big at the absolute moment we need him to play big and no longer have to read this "is this the end of McNabb?" articles. But you already know all of this, so why do I need to rehash it here? I don't, but it sets up reason #2 pretty well...

2) It's our one shot at a Ewing Theory season. If you believe in the Ewing theory, that is. It isn't science by any means, but if teams like the Giants, Red Sox and Patriots can ride the theory to titles, why can't the Birds? McNabb was our Tiki, our Nomar, our Bledsoe...a player that we tied so much of our football identity to that it was almost always detrimental to our health. This year we're free of that and I really think the Eagles will be better for it overall. Will they win more games? That remains to be seen. But good things happen at weird ass times in sports. This is a weird ass time.

3) It's the Eagles Golden Anniversary of their last title. This isn't really a good thing, technically. But 50 years is a damn long time without a title, and I think the Eagles have built up enough bad luck and excruciatingly devastating NFC Championship defeat equity that the football Gods owe them. Spring it on us when we least expect it. At least that's how I'd do it if I were a football God. Think about what the Gods have done recently:

2005 - They make sure an all-around good guy, Jerome Bettis, gets his first and only title in his retirement season while playing for no better than the best 5th best team he ever played on.

2006 - They vindicate the best player in football (Peyton Manning) by allowing him to win a title while vanquishing his nemesis (Brady and the Pats) in the AFC Championship game.

2007 - They make sure the evil Patriots, who cheated their way to three titles (this isn't true but whatever), don't go undefeated and lose to a team (the Giants) that looked dead in mid-December.

2008 - They had the Cardinals less than three minutes away from winning the Super Bowl. Okay, they didn't win, but honestly how much more could the gods have done here?

2009 - They allowed the Saints to win the Super Bowl. Something something Katrina.

See? The Gods have impacted every season since 2004, when the Juggernaut Eagles met the Invincible Patriots and lost. Looking across the NFL, only three teams make sense from a karma perspective this year - the Browns (helping to revive the city of Cleveland that just got LeBombed), the Lions (two years removed from 0-16, that's the kind of karma that sticks around for a half decade) and the Eagles (50 years exactly from their last title with a minefield of past losses and futility that has beaten the fan base into insanity). I would include the Vikings (if Brett Favre didn't come back) and the Redskins (McNabb finally leaving the Eagles and winning a title) but neither make sense since Favre WILL come back and the Redskins aren't a tortured franchise. So we're in the top three and I don't know if the Browns or Lions are realistically good enough to swing the turn around necessary to win a Super Bowl. When the Saints won last year, it wasn't that ridiculous -- they were a great offensive team that got hot defensively and was only two seasons removed from the NFC Championship game. The Eagles could do this. Really.

4) Nobody believes in them. I think we all believe the Eagles are a good team, but do any of us really believe they'll win a title? Of course not, it just doesn't seem feasible. Their starting QB has started only two games in his career -- both at home. Their best player weighs about 145 pounds wet and is one nasty hit over the middle from...well...I don't even want to think about it. Their most important defensive player is coming back from major knee surgery. Their coach refuses to run the ball, was outcoached by Wade Phillips THREE times last year and still thinks employing Marty Mornigwheg is a good idea. Their GM, the guy "technically" in charge of football decisions, isn't a football guy at all. He probably doesn't even know what Tecmo Super Bowl is.

Basically, no matter how you slice it, this team doesn't "look" like a champion. But, after all the championship caliber teams we've seen the Eagles field over the past 10 years, wouldn't it make sense that the one that doesn't look like a champion would finally won? Maybe not, but it's an interesting concept that I can't stop thinking about.

5) We aren't healed yet. When the Phillies won the World Series I thought I was healed. I thought we all were healed. I really did. But we weren't. And we won't be until the Eagles win a Super Bowl. In Now I Can Die In Peace Simmons includes a column from when the Patriots won a Super Bowl in 2002. Here's an excerpt that stuck with me:

Now it all makes sense.
You bleed for your team, follow them through thick and thin, monitor every free-agent signing, immerse yourself in Draft Day, purchase the jersey and caps, plan your Sundays around the game...and there's a little rainbow waiting at the end. You can't see it, but you know it's there. It's there. It has to be there. So you believe.


Without the Eagles winning, we'll never be whole as sports fans. The Phillies served their role; they made us all believe that we could win again...that we aren't a city of losers anymore. But what an Eagles championship would do, well that's on a different level. A level that even I can't describe accurately in words. We love the Phillies, we all bleed red. But our heart is green. And we know this. We plan our entire fall around the Eagles. We read every blog and every article, we go to training camp by the thousands. Hell, we'll even watch NFL Live if we have to just to get our Eagles fix. We're obsessed...in a good way. We crave a title, that little pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And our ultimate fear, as Simmons puts it later in that same article, is "that we may never get there."

So that's why I'm excited. Cause this could be the year. Maybe all the reasons above don't make sense to you but they do to me. On Tuesday, July 20, 2010 they make sense to me. And that's all I care about. I just hope this season is different than all the rest. I hope this isn't another year where we almost get there. I hope this is the year we finally win.

It has to be. No more horseshoes. No more hand grenades.

Go Birds.

This is Donovan McNabb at his charity football camp. And he’s wearing manpris.

Come on DMac...you really sporting those in public? Were all your jorts in the laundry?

I mean seriously, somehow these things are tight and baggy all at the same time. The length is ridiculous and the strings are even worse. There’s even a bit of flare at the bottom.

And quad pockets? I see that you've hidden your dignity in the bottom-right one. Good call.

[photo via misterirrelevant.com]

[This is from the latest Bill Simmons' mailbag.]

Q: Isn't the Eagles letting go of Donovan the ultimate "it's not, you it's me" scenario? Donovan has been dating the Eagles fans for years now. In the beginning it was exciting and risky. You never knew what he was going to do with the ball and he kept you on your toes. Like when my boyfriend liked to give me massages and surprise me with a card or a have breakfast for me. Each encounter (insert mood music) is hot and fresh. Then after 12 years you've found yourself faking moaning and hoping things get moving so you can fit in your 40 minutes of DVR before bed. I know all his moves and when he's going to high-step it two yards short of the first down. I know when he's going to throw it at DeSean's ankles. K-squared may not be perfect but at least his faults will surprise me. Donovan, it's been great. I loved the good times. But it's time to move on. It's not you, it's me.
-- Lauren

SG: Funny e-mail, concise, original angle. That's what I'm talking about! And by the way, only a woman could have summed up the McNabb Era in Philly.


I have to agree with Simmons on this one...she nailed it. I feel bad for her boyfriend though. He obviously sucks in bed.