Science Says Your Bratty 3 Year Old Is Doomed

[Daily Mail Reporter] Researchers from Britain, the U.S. and New Zealand analyzed data from two large studies in which children completed a range of physical tests and interviews to assess genetic and environmental factors that can shape their lives. They found that children with low self-control were more likely to have health problems in later life including high blood pressure, being overweight, breathing problems and sexually transmitted infections. They were also more likely to be dependent on substances such as tobacco, alcohol and drugs, more likely to be single parents, have difficulty managing money and have criminal records.

On one hand, I hate studies like these. They usually just scream, "WE JUST WASTED A SHIT LOAD OF MONEY!" The article never actually says just how more likely it is for these kids to turn into assholes. But on the other hand, this scares the SHIT out of me. I don't have kids yet, and hearing something like this tends to freak me out. I don't want to be the guy with the wretched little shit of a child who grows up to be a chunky, diseased, screw-up who's just waiting around for me to die so he can inherit my future millions.

I'd really like to see what the parents of these kids look like. I'm willing to bet they're at least partially at fault for their children turning into jailbirds later in life. We've all been to the mall or supermarket. You always find the one screaming kid throwing themselves around and causing a scene. And all you need to do is look at the parent and realize why their kid is convulsing. They're a pathetic mess. And guess what, their kids will grow into equally worthless humans. That's my ultra-scientific take on this. And I didn't need to study for years or require a dump truck full of “research dollars”.