If Tastykake Folds, I'm Murdering Everyone

Ronnie Polaneczky: Kan Tastykake be saved? - YEARS FROM NOW, I will remember where I was when I heard yesterday's shocking news. I was sitting right here at the Daily News when I learned that Tastykake, financially teetering after a brutal fourth quarter, announced that it may have to merge with another company or - gasp! - sell itself. Merge this Philadelphia icon with some out-of-town pretender pushing snacks like Drakes or, Lord help us, Little Debbie?
Gag me with a cupcake.
Or sell it? Hell, as long as we're peddling our local treasures, why don't we put the Liberty Bell on Craigslist? Or see if Walmart wants to buy Reading Terminal Market?

What. The. Fuck.

In all seriousness, I'd rather lose William Penn, the Rocky statue, several relatives, and both Pat's and Gino's* than lose Tastykake. If Tastykake is purchased by that whore Little Debbie, you're going to see me on Fox29 with a rifle and a dozen hostages at 30th street station.

I remember visiting my cousins in Texas when I was younger and being forced to awkwardly stuff our luggage with Tastykakes like a goddamn Mexican drug cartel. And you know what? I completely understood.

Actual IM conversation with my non-Philly coworker "murdear":

Her: i am extremely disappointed i did not read about this on wiz wit first
Her: how the fuck are you going to pay cliff lee now????
Her: isnt that part of the package for all philly sports deals
Her: dollars = butterscotch krimpets?
Her: i am almost certain its local currency
Me: ive actually been a prostitute in the tastykake snack trade
Me: 10 jelly krimpets can get you an HJ

Please, everyone, buy a Tastykake today.  I don't want to have to walk the streets for Drake's Coffee Cakes.


h/t TheAwl via Philly.com

*Not Jim's, though.