What the F*ck is the Internet?

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 11:30 AM


And here is a video of Katie Couric and Bryant Gumbel trying to figure out what the internet is. What's greater: Gumbel's indifference to a medium that would soon revolutionize the way the earth does EVERYTHING, or Katie Couric's giant wave Jonathan Taylor Thomas haircut?

Gotta go with the JTT cut. There are low-income lesbians who won't even fuck with that look.

MMM HMMM.


h/t dlisted

The Sixers Would Like You To Sit On Deez Nuts

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , on 8:29 AM

By TWW friend Eric

76ers Community Assist is a program where players, coaches, season ticket holders, and businesses donate tickets for youth groups to attend games. The Sixers get to fill up some empty seats, the kids get to see a free game, and absolutely nothing funny happens...until they decided to create names for the groups based on the player that donates the tickets. For instance, there is Mo-Reese's Pieces for Marreese Speights, Jrue's Dream Team for Jrue Holiday, and LouWillVille for Lou Williams. Every player has one...even Darius Songalia. The name for his group? You guessed it: D's Nut House. Section 211 of the Wells Fargo Center has a 20-foot banner that says "D'S NUT HOUSE". The jokes write themselves really.

"Come on down to D's Nut House. You haven't had nuts until you've had D's Nuts."

[please excuse my shitty camera quality]

Yep, I'm Rooting For The Steelers

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , , on 7:43 PM


There is so much awful going on in this video, I don't even know what to say. Just reason #7,046,543 I'm glad I don't live in Wisconsin.

[KissingSuzyKolber]

Wizards Fan Dunk Is Bad Ass

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , on 7:01 PM


Ok, I admit the whole setup is terribly fake. The 'on a date and holding a cell phone' thing just isn't plausible. It would have been better just having this guy act normal like the rest, then throw down a massive dunk and have the crowd go nuts. Yea, they'd figure out it was fake eventually, but that first moment of surprise would have been worth it. However, the dunk is so bad ass that I'm pretty sure "Eddie" ended up getting his that night regardless of if he was on a real date or not.

[NESN.com]

Airline Safety Rankings Like Baloney All Flavor - No Substance

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , on 10:09 AM
My middle-school teacher Paul Wesche once told me that the word assume could be broken down to into three parts ass – u – me, as in -  to assume is to make an ass out of you and me. The truth behind this clever wordplay was made abundantly clear in the article just published by U.S. News and World Report, America’s Safest Airlines

Look, I know that everything associated with the word “airline” is out-of-control sexy, and that the fact that US airlines have completed a year of fatality-free flying is frustrating for journalists who see the airlines as a source of juicy news when they are

a) crashing airplanes
b) annoying passengers and
c) embarrassed by the antics of pilots and/or flight attendants.


I could rest my case by writing that the article’s author, Hamooda Shami’s last venture into the world of air travel journalism resulted in  America’s Meanest Airlines, but that would be too easy.

Anyway, in this latest endeavor to capitalize on the fact that airline articles are a search engine optimization jackpot on par with Bradgelina, U.S. News has produced an article based on the premise that by counting up airline safety incidents and dividing by the number of flights, the consumer can accurately gauge how safe is a specific airline. That this is nonsense is even implied in the article itself when Mr. Shami writes the incidents used in calculating this safety ranking “should be taken with a serious grain of salt.” Fourteen hundreds words on the subject is enough salt to season  a lot of baloney, (Coincidence? I think not!) Nevertheless, as an aviation writer seeking to uphold the reputation of aviation writers everywhere, I feel compelled to point out that this article has holes of logic through which we could route the entire fleet of Airbus A380s.
Photo courtesy of Airbus
Mr. Shami limited his mathematical analysis to major US carriers, excluding regional airlines from his calculations even though they are responsible for moving one in four air travelers in the United States and responsible for 100% of the eleven airline crashes since 2000.

If this weren’t caveat enough, the article then goes on to say that in doing the math Mr. Shami is going to include only those incidents in which the “airlines were at fault.” Say what? The National Transportation Safety Board employs upwards of 90 scientists and engineers to determine probable cause, but one reporter has read, digested and analyzed a year’s worth of airline incident reports and come away with 305 incidents in which he has determined fault lies with the airline? Fast work Mr. Shami! I’m exhausted at the very thought.

Even having excluded the “airline-blame-free incidents” from the calculus, he can’t resist the urge to tell us the details of some of them. Two American Airlines turbulence events and a Continental near-collision are described as Mr. Shami justifies American’s (7) and Continental’s (4) position on his list.

There, there, there, airline executives, I know you're grimacing at my even mentioning these numbers but don’t get your shorts in a bunch. The safety ranking collapses under the weight of its own  moronic conclusions.  Have no fear for your reputations. If there’s anyone who should be worried, its the editors at U.S. News. They've risked the magazine's well-established reputation for careful list making by attaching its name to this dreck.

Iron and Candy: My 6th Blogoversary

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 7:26 AM







These were the opening words in my first blog post six years ago yesterday:

Coda: A Modest Proposal.


Now that the eight hour-long lines at the Cleveland voting polls have dispersed, the dried mud and dead cats have been swept up and George Bush has already torn through his second $40,000,000 pat on the back for stealing the Presidency (yeah, yeah, he may have won the popular vote this time, Mr. Country Clubber, but you can't re-elect a man who was never elected, to begin with), some thoughts on the latest debacle charitably known as the 2004 Presidential Election, and especially the debates, are in order...

I was still struggling at the edge of the foothills of a learning curve that was actually so high that if I'd thought about it, I would've thought twice about trying to run with big dogs who were already much, much better at political punditry than I. Back in those days, as I've heard myself saying so many times before, if I'd shared an elevator with Karl Rove, I wouldn't have recognized him. But I sallied forth in my relative ignorance armed with little more than native literary ability and a genetically-based allergy to anything Republican or conservative. It took a while for me to actually quantify my hatred for the GOP.

I certainly never thought I'd still be doing this absolutely thankless job six years and roughly 3000 blog posts, including 86 Assclowns of the Week, later.

I've done several series such as the abovementioned AOTW, The Nation at a Furtive Glance, Twenty Bucks, Same as in Town, Boolean Bozoism, Pottersville in Pictures, Cloven Hoof in Mouth Disease, Top Ten lists and so forth. I've had a helluva time these past 72 months, even when I simply didn't feel like blogging after a hard day at work and family life getting more stressful. But as my audience grew, I felt for some reason that I owed it to you people. Many readers have come and gone (and some of them have gone to that Great Server Farm in the Sky) and new readers somehow find me in the tall weeds and elephant grass of cyberspace.

Back in January 2005, if I'd told you we'd have a black president four years later (Barack Obama hadn't even moved all his boxes into his new Senate office), that we'd still be at war with Iraq, that we'd still not only be in Afghanistan but that we'd ramp it up, that we'd witness the destruction of a major American city, that unemployment would reach double digits and hover near 10% for a year and a half at least, that millions would get foreclosed on by predatory banks, that we'd bail out those same banks on Wall Street after their reckless excesses, that our government would be capriciously spying on us...

...if I'd predicted all those things and more, you all would've thought I was some conspiracy theorist wacko, some querulous doom-sayer who's not happy unless he's bitching about something. And you all would've had a point.

As James Patterson once sagely pointed out, if someone had written a book about an ex NFL star who'd murdered his wife and a man then led the LAPD on a slow-motion chase through LA on live national television and had done so prior to OJ Simpson doing just that, that author would've been laughed out of the business. Real life doesn't have to catch up with fiction but fiction has to catch up with real life in order to achieve any suspension of disbelief.

Same thing, I guess, goes for political blogging.

Of course, if one is cynical enough and knows exactly how the GOP thinks, one could always point to a post written years ago and say, "See? I was right and you all called me crazy." I know- We do it all the time with the late Steve Gilliard who back in 2003 predicted what's still happening in Iraq.

So it's only appropriate that we revisit one of the first scandals I'd read about when I began blogging 6 years ago, the No Child Left Behind fiasco that involved Juan Williams shilling for the Bush administration's underfunded program for a cool $240,000.

Current Education Secretary Arne Duncan recently told The Hill that NCLB is an utter failure, something else I said way back then. To know that, I needed to look no further than to our MCAS here in Massachusetts, a travesty of education that, as with NCLB, teaches to the test, where school districts with the highest scores get the lion's share of funding, thereby dooming many minority-heavy, inner city and rural districts that haven't access to up-to-date schoolbooks, computers and quality teachers, to suffer. NCLB, as with the MCAS, teaches to the test and a well-rounded education gets short shrift.

Congress and the Bush administration, after much ballyhoo, defunded No Child Left Behind, thereby leaving all children behind, as was the REAL ID Act.

Just barely in the second year of a new job, I was successfully shielded from the horrid mutation in our once-great nation and I had no idea what was really happening. I was making jokes about Bush's bubble but the fact was that I was in a safe cocoon of my own that even the latest and most accurate numbers from the Labor Department couldn't penetrate. I had no idea just how evil, nasty and selfish my country had gotten until I got thrown out of a job nearly two years ago.

We elected that black man on a cult-like mantra of change yet the only change we've seen is a rightward wrench that in many ways almost makes progressives and independents actually miss George W. Bush. As with NCLB, Massachusetts offered a warning template as to what would happen if the government mandated health care without doing very much to keep costs down.

Afghanistan has been bloated and accelerated and we're using more contractors than ever. We still have tens of thousands of troops in Iraq and hardly even note the newest deaths much less the names of the killed. We are groped more than ever in our nation's airports and while Abdulmatallab got escorted on that flight sans passport to Detroit by someone from our government so he could set his underpants on fire, we're treated like common terrorists.

I've been saying it for about a year now that this is not only not the same country I grew up in, this is not the same country I remember from even two years ago. As I've already said, if I'd predicted all this 6 years ago, you all would've thought I belonged in four point restraints. But considering the violent jerk to the right this government has taken, and under the risible guise of "centrism", who knows how much worse we can imagine for 2017? It would tax the minds of the best dystopian sci fi novelists.

And I'm afraid that I may still be here, howling in the wilderness here, on Facebook, Twitter or whatever new networking phenom will be developed in the future. I'm like Michael Corleone and, while my motives for staying in the game are purer than the Godfather's, I keep finding myself pulled back in, as if blogging about the most important issues of our time is a referendum of my very patriotism and love for my nation.

Or maybe I just have a big mouth.

The traditional gift for a 6th anniversary is either candy or iron. In the interests of shipping costs, candy would be preferable and a Paypal donation may be even cheaper and easier, since Mrs. JP and I are still struggling to meet all our bills come this Tuesday.

Afternoon Links: Stay Fancy This Weekend

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 1:26 PM

Is Charlie Sheen Dead? - Is now officially its own website. Keep smokin' coke and banging porn stars, Charlie. You're a hero to us all. [Buzzfeed]

Dazed and Confused Rapped in 120 Seconds - White dudes are killing it lately with the fast rapping -- I'm just glad somebody is putting it to good use. If you like the movie you must watch this. If only Mystikal were alive to hear guys rapping this fast. Oh, he still is? Oh. [Flavorwire]

Iggy Pop's Torso is Sad - So, so sad. [Skull Swap]

Dumbest Reviews of Classic Movies - According to the New York Times, Godfather II "recalls how much better [the] original film was." [TruTV]

Masturbating Animals - Yes, there is a web site dedicated solely to masturbating animals. Somewhere, your family is disappointed in you. [Asylum]

The Greatest Break-Up Letter Ever - Gets even better with its' dramatic reading. Hilarious. [YTMND]

Zach Morris Smells Pot - Do you smell it? [Skull Swap]

Man Sues For Unsatisfying BJ - Obviously this was a terrible idea. Everyone knows the only way to get justice in the sex industry is a 4am unmarked desert grave. [True Crime Report]

Gorilla Walks Upright Like a Man - Cause all the bitches love a biped, creationists be damned. [Daily Intel]

Eagles Fans Most Depressed in NFL - Listen, I've only cut myself twice over Birds' games. I think I'm fine, thank you. [My Fox Philly]

The Phillies Are Kind of a Big Deal

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , , on 11:45 AM

A couple days ago, Keith Law released his organizational farm system rankings. As you may recall, our Phillies ranked 5th in the league. Now Keith Law has released his Top Prospects for 2011 and the Phils have managed to place 5 in the top 100:

Domonic Brown, OF (#3 overall)
Jon Singleton, 1B/OF (#27 overall)
Jarred Cosart, RHP (#34 overall)
Brody Colvin, RHP (#76 overall)
Trevor May, RHP (#93 overall)

It's a good time to be a Phillies fan and it looks like it'll continue to be for quite some time. I don't think I could sum this up better than our own Wetz did a couple days ago. Take it away Wednesday afternoon Wetz:

"Despite not spending the amount of money other teams do on prospects, and despite trading for every team's ace, the Phillies farm system is loaded. Yes, most of the talent is in Single A, but that means they should be ready by about 2013...right when we'll need them."

Comcast Kills NBC's Peacock in New Logo

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 10:25 AM

Kabletown Comcast officially took over NBC Universal this week, and they have decided to unveil this new logo. No more signature peacock. No more use of a spacebar. Just the simple text of two words smushed together.  Not exactly eye-grabbing, but someone made a lot of money to come up with that masterpiece.  Click here to see the old logo in case you've been living in caves for the last 50 years.

Don't freak out too much (pea)cock lovers - Comcast will still use the old logo when promoting the NBC broadcast network and cable news outlets.

And if you want to see something exceptionally funny, go to Kabletown.com and lose yourself in the fictitious site created by the brilliant minds behind 30 Rock.

[EW.com]

New World Order

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 9:50 AM

"It's time for this government to change. I want a better future for me and my family when I get married." - Amal Ahmed, a 22-year-old Egyptian protester.

(By American Zen's Mike Flannigan, on loan from Ari)

If one takes even a cursory, hurried look at events in the Middle East this month, especially Tunisia and Egypt, it makes Time's Choice of "Person of the Year" seem unforgivably shallow and superficial. In an unexpected turn perfectly delineated by his apparently clueless and astonished face on the cover, the always-dubious honor went to 26 year-old billionaire Mark Zuckerberg, founder of an online community that made its, and his, fortune not the old fashioned way with advertising revenue through ads but by selling personal information to marketing companies, information we gladly give away to an overachieving Harvard grad nerd so we can more easily supplant actually meeting people.

To bring his amorality into conspicuous relief, Zuckerberg has recently climbed into bed with Goldman Sachs, a bailed-out Wall Street bank that no doubt can give the billionaire boy wonder another Ivy League education in corporate sleaziness. So far, all this has done is to grossly inflate Facebook's net worth and share price and, if one is smart, one will reserve a front row online seat to wait for the Facebook.com bubble to burst like a massive prank cigar.

In the meantime, as Time is quick to point out, the "Person of the Year" award doesn't necessarily go to the best, most do-gooding or even the most popular but to the person or organization that was the most catalytic. Zuckerberg's elevation puts him in rarified company, including presidents, other corporate titans and tyrants like Adolph Hitler. And it only serves to bring into merciless focus our own bottomless superficiality in that Facebook's founder would prove to be more catalytic to American society than President Barack Obama, former Senator Russ Feingold, former Rep. Alan Grayson or, (here's a crazy-ass idea), Wikileaks.

Not to give short shrift to Zuckerberg's Facebook, which easily toppled in a couple of short years MySpace's hegemony in the online networking community (It can be easily argued that as recently as the 2008 general elections, MySpace was much more instrumental in getting then Senator Barack Obama elected president than the still-fledgling Facebook). But a volatile online community that's just one major hack or Conficker virus away from complete and utter oblivion should not be considered more catalytic to American society than Wikileaks' Four Horsemen of Disclosures. Yet it is and last year's winner is as pitilessly reflective of our current values as the year in which the mirror-covered Time named us as the "Person of the Year."

There is a New World Order taking shape that's far more profound and important than a domain that plasters spam ads all over the place, harvests our too-free personal information and features groups such as "I'll Bet This Steak Can Get More Friends Than Sarah Palin."

Julian Assange's Wikileaks, to descend into a platitude for a moment, simply changed the world forever. It put and continues to put the largest and most powerful governments and corporations on notice that secrets are no longer safe and that they will not be allowed to practice their Machiavellian schemes in the shadows any more.

Of course, Wikileaks, as laudable as their intentions and catalytic effects is, is a mere conduit and Julian Assange is a mere conduit of a conduit. The power of Wikileaks comes from people like Bradley Manning, people who seem to have a sincere vested interest in proclaiming, "Enough is enough!" and effecting that change through disclosures of information much, much more devastating than anything your 13 year-old daughter or co-worker will post on Facebook.

"But, but... What does this have to do with me or my Facebook avatar?"

There's a New World Order that's superimposing itself over the world we used to know, a more transparent and (if you'll pardon the alliteration) pitilessly punitive palimpsest in which the people of the Middle East are also rising up against decades-long tyrannies such as the ones in Tunisia, Egypt and now Yemen. Understandably, the hypocritical and dictatorial Saudi Royal Family is nervously eying shaping developments with their neighbors.

It's notable that a few rock-throwing young men with bandannas over their mouths achieved in mere days in Tunisia what George W. Bush tried and failed to do in eight years and with the world's most powerful military at his disposal: Kickstarting the democratization of the Middle East. And the protests against autocratic rule puts our own president in the ridiculous position of actually supporting these despotic regimes simply because they're "our allies in the war on terror" (so was Yemen's dictatorship).

The riots in Tunis, Cairo and elsewhere in the Muslim world have brought about some startling changes and things we would've thought impossible a mere year or two ago: That the once popular Hosni Mubarek, Egypt's answer to Lyndon Johnson, would have his image disrespected by shoe soles (a grave insult in the Muslim/Arab world). For once, the mainstream media had actually gotten it right: This appears to be a region-wide revolution on a Che Guevaran scale.

But it's easy to scan the headlines and to assume that developments in the Middle East have nothing to do with us but they do.

One of the reasons the people of Tunisia rioted against the quarter century-long autocratic rule of President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali was there simply weren't enough jobs to go around. And they were organized and energized enough so that they'd actually routed the police and even regrouped when they themselves were routed. Now we're seeing the same thing in Egypt. As something of a sidebar, it also ought to be noted and remembered that this wave of democratization we're seeing in the Middle East is being effected from within with no need of invasions, carpet bombings, smashing of economic infrastructures nor the bank-busting involvement of American war profiteering corporations. Regime change is almost always untidy but ultimately streamlined and less costly in terms of life when effected from within.

Joblessness is and was during the 2010 midterms the single biggest concern for the average American voter. It would be easy to claim that online entities such as Facebook have taken the place of Juvenal's circus and that we're too distracted or anesthetized to similarly gather on Wall Street and Washington, DC to demand our jobs back. But we must remember that Facebook is also available in Tunisia and Egypt as well as virtually everywhere else in the Middle East. Yet these people were able to tear themselves away from their computer chairs and Facebook mood updates to risk (and give) their lives in the endless and timeless call for freedom.

What's happening in the Middle East isn't a Middle Eastern or a Muslim thingie. We are all human and have the same anxieties and concerns as Amal Ahmed and others 7000 miles away. We all want jobs, security for our families present and future, we all yearn to live freely and to have a voice in our governments, hence our destinies.

And, the last time I checked, these things were far from being guaranteed in our own country. The world is indeed changing and not necessarily for the worst. I see the Tunisian, Egyptian and Yemenese protesters, I remember the protesters in Iran, Mexico and Kenya and I see hope that the eternal flame of the human demand of freedom is far from extinguished. In the meantime, I wait and wonder when the day will come when the United States finally gets meaningfully involved in a worldwide cause that's even larger than national corporate interests.

Canadian Flashmob Hits Mall, Pulls Titties Out

Published by Julia Volkovah under , on 8:52 AM

AOL News - Canada is up in arms about breast-feeding and whether it's really OK to do it in public. And with the help of blogs and Facebook, angry moms are taking it to the streets -- or to the mall, in this case.
About a hundred mothers in Montreal staged a "nurse-in" protest at a downtown shopping complex last week, breast-feeding simultaneously before a curious crowd of reporters, mall security guards and passers-by. The event was retribution, they said, for a store that had thrown out a mother for breast-feeding earlier this month. This week, they began a petition drive to protect the rights of women to breast-feed in public in the Quebec province.


I'm torn here. Part of me feels for these broads. I'd much rather see a big 'ol floppy milk-titty than have to deal with some baby endlessly crying. But then again, why can't these women just breastfeed somewhere private? Lactating boobs are still nudity. Generally bad nudity. Have some dignity and do it in your car or something, right?

Like, I have to pee sometimes. And although I COULD just whip it out and go on the sidewalk, I'll pain myself to hold it til I get in between SUVs in the tailgating lot to a bathroom. Is this analogy a stretch? Maybe. Do mothers really need to gather in large groups and breastfeed-protest? Probably not.

Be Michael Vick for 1 minute 46 seconds

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , , on 6:12 AM


NFL.com posted a video of Michael Vick's helmetcam during the NFC's Pro Bowl practice earlier this week. The video immediately reminds me of the old Sega ESPN Football 2k4 game. That's the first game I remember where you could play an entire game in first-person mode. In case you never played it, that game absolutely sucked. Looking at it now, the graphics just make my face hurt. So hard to believe these graphics were 'cutting-edge' at one time.

Anyway, word is that FOX may be busting out these HD helmet cams during the actual game to garner more interest. Will it make me watch the awfulness that is the Pro Bowl? Fuck no. But I'll watch a minute long video to check it out for novelty purposes.

[WithLeather via NFL.com]

Just Keep Living The Dream Andy

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , on 11:05 PM

With the news that Jeff Fisher has been relieved of his duties as head coach of the Titans, our own Andy Reid is now the longest tenured head coach in the NFL. Kind of hard to believe, right?

Now let me say that I'm not hating on Reid here, while I don't always agree with what he does I do recognize the success he has had. Outside of the Steelers, Patriots and Colts, nobody had won more regular season games over the past 12 years than the Eagles. I'm happy the Eagles are successful, and this past decade plus of Eagles football has been pretty awesome overall. But, you have to think this wakes Andy up, if only just a little bit. If Fisher, who has often been compared to Reid (very successful, but never winning the big one), can be fired...well god knows Andy could be fired too. So, yea, win a Super Bowl already.

Only, seriously. WIN A SUPER BOWL ALREADY. Thanks.

The Japanese Have Impeccable Balance

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , on 10:55 PM


We all know the Japanese for their ability to do math well, inability to drive and happy endings. But balance? Who knew they had that in bunches. The fact that this guy doesn't fall down blows my mind. Taking into consideration he's probably had about three bottles of sake prior to this train ride, you can't be anything but impressed. Something something bukakke.

A Man, Holding A Snake, Throwing A Baseball

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , , on 10:31 PM

Why? Cause it's Friday, that's why.

See more ridiculous first pitches here. Happy Friday folks.

Afternoon Links: Jordan's Handshake Will Drain Your Melanin

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 2:43 PM

Guy Breaks Into Car and Leaves Note Behind - Here's the kicker - he was just letting the rightful owner know he left love stains in his backseat [RegretfulMorning]

Michael Jackson was at the Lakers game the other night - Prince Michael Jackson that is.  Oh and George Lopez too if you're into that.  [TMZ]

Horrible Choices in Tattoos Alert - This guy's back looks like some punk's denim jacket in the '80s [inlinethumb24]

The Best Limo Ever - Now get your meat hooks off me. [oHAYthur]

Man Lays on Tracks and Films Train Passing Over Him - Do it face up next time, ya pansy [Gizmodo

68 photos of Olivia Munn - I don't really need to sell you on this, do I?  [buzzfeed]

Now All We Need Are Some Starters

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , on 9:15 AM


Sixers win their third straight.

Jay Cutler Has A Mean Swagger

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , on 8:42 AM

Jay Cutler is swagged to the maximum. Swagtastic. Swaggerifically strolling around LA shopping with some hot The Hills blonde with the gangsterist of limps. Is the limp from his sprained MCL or it is just the bop walk of a dude who doesn't give a fuck what ya'll think? His walk just screams "Hate on, haters. I'm a millionaire that can take awesome vacations across the country when my home city hates my guts."

Check out the video here on TMZ.  And get that hate out ya heart, Chicago.

Wake Up With Jaime Edmondson

Published by Julia Volkovah under , on 5:02 AM

Yesterday, Playboy.com released the playmates' "Ultimate NFL Football Gear Gallery", which they originally showed in September to go along with their playoff predictions. While their guesses on how the NFL would shake out weren't too great (they apparently had the Steelers missing the playoffs), these shots of Playmate Jaime Edmondson in all 32 teams' gear were.

Now I just gotta figure out whether her underboob actually looks that good or if the scar from her breast enhancement surgery was just Photoshopped out.

Oh, and feel free to vote for which one you think is the best. The Giants are killing us right now.

Qantas Depressurization Event Not Unique

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 11:50 PM
"TERRIFIED PASSENGERS!"
"MID AIR DRAMA!

these are the kinds of phrases lavishly attached to the newspaper stories about the decompression on Qantas flight 670 on Tuesday. The Boeing 737 traveling from Adelaide to Melbourne was forced to make a rapid descent after losing cabin pressure at cruise altitude. 

Sure, the pilots wanted a rapid descent. The period of time that average healthy individuals can remain in a robust state at 36,000 feet is less than a minute, according to tables on the time of useful consciousness. Smokers, people with heart and other health problems may have even less time than that.


N47BA the plane carrying Payne Stewart NTSB photo
What has not been reported in the flurry of wild-eyed coverage is just how frequently depressurization events occur. Several years ago, I wrote a lengthy piece on this subject focusing on two tragedies, Helios Flight 522 and the charter flight in which the golfer Payne Stewart was killed. Both the Helios Boeing 737 and Stewart’s Learjet were models with a history of depressurization troubles.

Helios Flight 522 was flying from Cyprus to Prague on August 13, 2005. The escalation of a minor problem at take-off to major disaster could be attributed to the cockpit crew’s failure to put on oxygen masks at the first warning that the cabin was not pressurizing. Confused and quickly becoming mentally sluggish, the pilots succumbed to unconsciousness trying to diagnose the problem. With the plane on autopilot it flew on for more than two hours until finally running out of fuel, it crashed outside of Athens. One hundred and twenty one people died. 

Since the dawn of the jet age in 1959, there have been more than 3000 loss of pressurization events in United States alone according to a review of FAA statistics. The Helios disaster reinforced to pilots the necessity of donning oxygen masks before doing anything else and certainly before trying to determine the source of the problem.

One takeaway from Qantas flight 670 comes from what one of the passengers told a reporter after the plane landed.  The young woman said that when the oxygen mask dropped she had no idea what to do with it. Those of you reading this post over coffee, I hope haven't spit it across the room. I know, I know, that does seem incredible, especially to those of us who can recite the pre flight safety briefing by heart. 

This woman’s experience calls to mind a phenomenon that British aviation writer Steven Barlay calls “negative panic.” In his book, The Final Call, Barlay writes about about a number of accidents where passengers were injured or killed because a very real, fear-induced paralysis turned otherwise capable people helpless. 

A few weeks ago I interviewed Doug Hughes an electrical engineer and air safety investigator for a story I wrote for The New York Times on the use of portable electronic devices on airplanes. I reported what most of us had already suspected. Many passengers do not turn off their personal electronics, even though they are required to do so when the plane is flying below 10 thousand feet. Passengers just decide that’s a rule they don’t need to follow. On the flights on which I am traveling, most passengers don’t seem to think they need to listen to the safety briefing either. Doug's pearl of wisdom on this subject is this;  ”There are four or five elements in air safety and one of the key ones is the passenger.”

It’s a provocative statement -- love the passenger or hate the passenger, airlines and regulators don’t seem to want to partner with the passenger. They are more comfortable telling us to sit down and behave, when with just a little bit more explanation, we might just get the “why” behind all those rules. And passengers need to tune in when a century of lessons-learned is distilled into a few minute summation of  "what-ifs".

One thing’s for certain - there are 99 passengers in Australia who know now what they might not have known before flight 670. An airplane is equipped with oxygen masks because sometimes they will be needed. When they are, its a good idea to know how to use them.

BREAKING NEWS: The Phillies Are Good At Everything

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , , , on 1:03 PM

Today, ESPN.com's Keith Law released his organizational farm system rankings for all 30 MLB teams (sorry, Insider access needed). Where did our Phillies rank, you ask? Fifth. Yes, you read that right, FIFTH. In all of MLB. Damn we are awesome.

If it's one thing we've heard from analysts, other team's fans and sports talk shows over the past year, it's that the Phillies, while very good right now, have damaged their long-term success by making all the trades they've made recently. We've heard, "hey, you may be good now, but you're gonna suck in 2013!" Well guess what folks...NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN. Despite not spending the amount of money other teams do on prospects, and despite trading for every team's ace, the Phillies farm system is loaded. Yes, most of the talent is in Single A, but that means they should be ready by about 2013...right when we'll need them. Yep, our better is definitely better than their better.

Cliff Lee.

h/t to PhuturePhillies.

So Every Rapper In the 90's Apparently Did St. Ides Commercials

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , on 12:39 PM

I never knew a marginally-popular hood malt liquor company like St. Ides had this kind of marketing budget.  Maybe it's because I was in elementary school when these videos were produced, but wow I don't remember them at all. Everybody is in these things.  Like...everybody. Including Dr. Dre and Snoop (Doggy) Dogg as seen in this early 90's commercial. The Best Part? Most of the ads don't make any goddamn sense. Let's look at a quick breakdown of what happens in this one.
  • Ripped dude on a fire escape pours an entire water cooler bottle on himself for some reason.
  • Two hot girls drive by in a St. Ides-themed lowrider.
  • She hits the switches and they starts ta bouncin.
  • Uh oh, is that beer in her hydrolics? Looks like it.
  • The car breaks the ground, then proceeds to bounce so high that it's vertical.
  • Aaand now the car has broken the laws of physics and is levitating vertically and spinning, both women still inside.
  • Holy shit now the car (and the girls) turn into a giant bottle of St. Ides.
  • The bottle's top explodes off.
  • A seemingly giant Dr. Dre grabs the car-and-girls-turned-malt liquor while Snoop (Doggy) Dogg confidently looks on.
  • You become thirsty for a St. Ides.
It's...brilliant. Check out other commercials featuring Wu-Tang, Notorious B.I.G., 2Pac, Cypress Hill, and Eric B. & Rakim below.
















American History 101 with Congresswoman Bachmann

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 11:23 AM

Lesson One:

Regardless of color, religion, class or creed, everyone was treated fairly once they got to America.

There were no slaves, no bigotry against Catholics or Jews, no bigotry against Japanese during WWII, against Germans in WWI, against the Chinese in the 19th century, no bigotry aimed against Mormons and forcing their exodus to Utah, against Muslims after 9/11 and certainly NO animus aimed at Native Americans even though they were audaciously encroaching on our land and our dream of White Man Infest Destiny.

Al-righty, then!

One is at a loss to wonder why Minnesota's 6th congressional district elected and keeps electing this intellectual hairball, someone who by conspicuous relief makes Sarah Palin look like a foreign relations wonk and Christine O'Donnell a Constitutional law professor.

In a world that makes total sense, Michele Bachmann should have been the Alvin Greene of Minnesota and laughed into obscurity with a hearty, national "Nyuk nyuk nyuk." Yet the media, Anderson Cooper aside, keep giving this Bible-banging lunatic enough house room that she can steal Congressman Paul Ryan's thunder to deliver her own Republican rebuttal to Obama's State of the Union Address.

And it would be easy to laugh Bachmann off the national stage on every occasion she's opened her pie hole except Bachmann doesn't stand out because she's fast becoming the standard bearer for the Idiocracy that is the latter day Republican Party.

Rand Paul said on Election night last November, "There is no rich, there is no middle class, there is no poor." One could've almost heard a watery Oriental nocturne by DeBussy and we could've called it "Delusions of the Socialist Aqua Buddha."

And Republicans make the late Howard Zinn and other historians aerate their graves at the rate of 30,000 RPMs every time they try to rewrite history in their desperate, pathetic Winston Smith attempts to quell any notion of class warfare.

Let's take stock: The Civil Rights Act of 1964 wasn't enacted until 101 years after the Emancipation Proclamation.

We have had exactly one Catholic President.

We have had exactly one full-blooded Native American in the Senate.

We have no African Americans in the Senate and still have not seated one from the South since Reconstruction.

Wingnuts foamed at the mouth and given serious consideration when Bachmann's fellow Minnesota congressman Keith Ellison, Congress's only Muslim, took the oath of office on a Koran.

Wingnuts are still foaming at the mouth over "the Ground Zero Mosque" that's actually a community center two blocks from Ground Zero, something already screamed about by none other than Bachmann.

Unemployed Americans are now being classified as hobos by other wingnuts who keep insisting that the unemployment insurance we need to barely stay alive is a form of welfare and not something into which we've been kicking 6.2% of our paychecks for decades.

There is something seriously, dangerous wrong with a country that not only tolerates and gives house room to such whiteboardings of history but actually elects and re-elects in many states other idiots like Bachmann. Our apathy, complacency, whatever you wish to call it, is what's dumbing down this country.


And, at the rate we're going, Bachmann's, Paul's and every Republicans' idiocy will become communicable (it's already airborne) and this may be the State of the Union Address we'll see a year from now.

What Do You Think, Long Snapper?

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 10:09 AM

Dave Spadaro managed to interview Eagles long snapper Jon Dorenbos for 10 minutes, 44 seconds on Monday. Topics included the CBA and impending labor strike, slick footballs, his magic shows, and what the Birds needs to do to improve for next year. Now, I like Jon. He seems like one of the smarter players and a genuinely interesting guy. But what the fuck are they doing interviewing the long snapper about magic and on "what went right and what went wrong for his team in 2010"? There is such thing as over saturation, Spadaro.

REENACTMENT!

DS - So what went wrong this year?

JD - I dunno, I can't speak for the rest of the guys, but I had a lot of really tight spirals on some of my snaps. Other spirals were less tight. But, you know, its a learning process. I really want to concentrate on snapping the ball with a super tight spiral next season. I think that's my goal for 2011. Making lots of money and snapping balls really well.

INTERVIEW OVER.

You Ever Get Rrrrreally High and Poke a Cop With a Vibrator?

Published by Julia Volkovah under , on 8:59 AM


This German guy did. Love how casually he whips out this pink plastic piece to start fucking with the cop. This guy's a legend for dildo-carrying drug addicts everywhere. AND I'm pretty sure he did all of this at a children's carnival.

There's probably some 8 year-old kid named Ferdinand with the illest ecstasy to ever hit the Berlin streets.

h/t oHAYthur

Science Says Your Bratty 3 Year Old Is Doomed

Published by Julia Volkovah under , on 8:58 AM

[Daily Mail Reporter] Researchers from Britain, the U.S. and New Zealand analyzed data from two large studies in which children completed a range of physical tests and interviews to assess genetic and environmental factors that can shape their lives. They found that children with low self-control were more likely to have health problems in later life including high blood pressure, being overweight, breathing problems and sexually transmitted infections. They were also more likely to be dependent on substances such as tobacco, alcohol and drugs, more likely to be single parents, have difficulty managing money and have criminal records.

On one hand, I hate studies like these. They usually just scream, "WE JUST WASTED A SHIT LOAD OF MONEY!" The article never actually says just how more likely it is for these kids to turn into assholes. But on the other hand, this scares the SHIT out of me. I don't have kids yet, and hearing something like this tends to freak me out. I don't want to be the guy with the wretched little shit of a child who grows up to be a chunky, diseased, screw-up who's just waiting around for me to die so he can inherit my future millions.

I'd really like to see what the parents of these kids look like. I'm willing to bet they're at least partially at fault for their children turning into jailbirds later in life. We've all been to the mall or supermarket. You always find the one screaming kid throwing themselves around and causing a scene. And all you need to do is look at the parent and realize why their kid is convulsing. They're a pathetic mess. And guess what, their kids will grow into equally worthless humans. That's my ultra-scientific take on this. And I didn't need to study for years or require a dump truck full of “research dollars”.

A Man Named Jawn

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 8:12 AM

Jawn Murray. This poor guy. Only people from Philly will get why this is funny. JAWN!

h/t Philebrity

One of Herschel Walker’s Personalities Still Wants To Play Football

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 6:27 AM

Herschel Walker is 48 years old and has been retired from the NFL for 13 years. Now he reportedly wants to attempt a comeback. He’s clearly kept himself in ridiculously good shape through MMA . The guy is ripped and is in incredible cardio condition. He even clocked a 4.38 time in the 40 last week.

As impressive as that all is, are his thoughts of a comeback ridiculous? Oh God yes, absolutely. But considering he could punch my face off or guillotine choke the life out me in milliseconds, I’d never say that shit to his face. Let’s just chalk this up to his “Dissociative Identity Disorder” and move along instead.


[Bleed-Green]

The Top 8 Cheese Steaks in Philadelphia

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 8:49 PM

[Our pals at The School Philly will contribute posts to TheWizWit from time to time.  You can find this post and other good stuff over at TheSchoolPhilly.com]

A retard’s guide (or non-Philadelphian’s guide) on the correct way to order a cheese steak:

1. Say the name of the cheese you want
2. Say “with” or “without” (meaning with or without fried onions)
3. Example: A cheese steak with American cheese and fried onions= American with

Here are the top 8 cheese steaks in Philadelphia. Well actually, the world, for that matter.

[Keep reading for the complete list at The School Philly.  Even though Jim's Steaks is #1 in my book, these guys have done their homework.]

Afternoon Links: Lowered Expectations

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 1:34 PM

How To Crack a Credit Card Number - Oh, we mean "validate a credit card with your mind" not steal people's shit. [loneiguana]

The State of the Internet - Lots of fun stats - how about the fact 89% of all E-mails sent in 2010 were SPAM  [Focus]

Taco Bell Crime of the Week - $5M lawsuit claiming Taco Bell is using fake beef.  Complete with a side of anti-dusting agent.  [OCweekly]

How To Knit a 'Smitten' - Spoiler alert: It's a mitten sewn together so you and your equally despicable companion can hold hands and stay warm at the same time.  Also, you should drown each other.  [cocoknits]

Teen Stabs Man Over Stinky Feet - First a serial farter and now smelly feet?  Insult stabbings are way up this month.  [UPI]

Chaz Bono Had Breast Removal Surgery, Wants to Look Like Michael Chiklis - Okay, well when is Michael Chiklis' breast removal surgery then? [E! Online]

Soul Tryouts Are This Saturday!

Published by Julia Volkovah under , on 12:16 PM

Philly.com - The Soul will hold an open tryout for players on Saturday at the NovaCare Complex in South Philadelphia. Registration begins at 7:30 a.m., with warmups at 9, and the tryout starting at 9:15. Registration on the day of the event is $80 cash or cashier's check. Pre-registration is $60 at www.philadelphiasoul.com. Participants are asked to bring appropriate workout gear and shoes. Testing will take place on field turf, so metal cleats or spikes are not permitted. A trainer will be on hand for emergencies only - not for player taping. Soul co-majority owner Ron Jaworski and co-owners Pete Ciarrocchi and Cosmo Denicola will attend.

Hope to see everyone there! I'll be the one at home relaxing while making sure I don't give Ron Jaworski $80 of my money. Although it should be noted that ya boy has got an arm like Papa John.

OkTrends: The Mathematics of Beauty

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 11:42 AM

OkTrends - This post investigates female attractiveness, but without the usual photo analysis stuff. Instead, we look past a woman's picture, into the reaction she creates in the reptile mind of the human male. Among the remarkable things [we've shown]:
  • that the more men as a group disagree about a woman's looks, the more they end up liking her
  • guys tend to ignore girls who are merely cute
  • and, in fact, having some men think she's ugly actually works in woman's favor
Now I normally don't buy into these sorts of overarching claims, but this blog in particular has the support of the huge sample size because of the large dating site behind it (OkCupid). So everything here is based upon over 1.5 million votes, nearly 600,000 messages, and 64,000 separate profiles. Plus this article is crazy long and I'm WAY too lazy to construct an argument against this amount of data. I'm an American, not a mathematician.

In the end, they've discovered that if some guys think a girl is a 1 and others think she's a 10, she's going to get a lot more attention than a girl that everyone thinks is say...a 7. Even further, if two girls' looks scored the same (like the girls above), the one who produced the biggest variance is the one who got the most messages (the girl on the left).  You know why?  Cause some dudes like that shit.

It doesn't matter what that shit is.  It could be that you're fat.  Or that you're only 4'10".  Or that you're orange.  Some dudes wanna fuck Snooki!  Whatever it is you got, there are men out there that will eff it.

Check out the rest of that site too if you wanna lose a few hours.  Interesting stuff.

The United States of Shame

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 10:57 AM

So the Delaware Valley is the worst in the country when it comes to arson, taxes, and abortion.  Sure high taxes really sting my butthole, but I suppose things could be worse.  At least we don't have to deal with a bunch of horse fuckers from Washington or are forced to look at a bunch of uglies from North Dakota.  And is anyone surprised Alaska has the worst suicide rate? 

U-S-A! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!! 

[pleated-jeans]

BMX Race Starts Off With 10 Faceplants

Published by Julia Volkovah under , on 8:42 AM


I think you understand what's about to happen here. If I was in charge of that opening gate, I would keep pulling this shit every time until they fired me. Maurice, it's not funny anymore they would say. But I would just keep on doing it, over and over again like a stale-ass Family Guy joke.

You guys still feelin extreme?


h/t Woosk

Sixers Already Won Two More Home Games Than All Of Last Season

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , on 8:20 AM

Depressed Fan - Consider this. In the first 20 days of the season, the Sixers played five home games. One win over Indiana and four losses to Miami, Atlanta, Cleveland and Toronto. A 1-4 start at home with two losses to sub-.500 teams. Since that Toronto loss, the Sixers are 13-3 at the WFC. The three losses were a one-point game vs. the Celtics, a 12-point loss to the Lakers (which they led after three quarters), and a blip. The Pacers beat the Sixers in Iguodala's first game back from injury. Of the 13 wins, the Sixers have beaten Chicago, Utah, Portland and New Orleans. All playoff teams. They also beat nine sub-.500 teams, including MIL twice, CHA twice, LAC and PHO.

There is no better Sixers resource in the cyberwebs than Brian over at DepressedFan. Dude has all kinds of stats and shit that casual roundball fans won't even understand, so when he makes a point about something I tend to listen. His point this time? The Sixers will only finish above .500 if they can keep up this type of play on the homecourt. Could they contend with the Knicks for the #6 spot in the East? Maybe. But they're so shitty on the road that they probably won't.

Also, DepressedFan contends that Philly fans have an irrational hatred of Andre Iguodala. Even when he plays well. I dunno, I just don't get why people are so quick to criticize the guy. Oh wait.

Pound Beers Quicker Than Ever At The Well

Published by Julia Volkovah under , on 4:44 AM


When the Flyers take on the Canadiens tonight, the Wells Fargo Center will become the first Philadelphia venue to debut the world's fastest beer-dispensing system. Apparently the device helps beer vendors fill beer cups 9 times faster than the current method.

Such a friggin cool invention. It makes me mad I can't come up with ideas like this. Nothing sucks more than standing in line for a beer at a game. This "Bottom's Up" technology should help put a stop to that. After all, this is Amurrica - we wait for NOTHING! No word on if they'll charge more for this 'convenience', but I'm sure they'll be banking plenty of cash off just the novelty alone. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't going to line up like a sheep at least once.

Jay Cutler Is Not Well Liked in Chicago

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , , , on 7:17 PM

While it's probable that the guy above had this gem of a jersey way before yesterday's game, it's certainly much more appropriate now after yesterday's events. Chicago, or at least a loud minority of Bears fans, hates Jay Cutler. A lot. Hell, they are burning his jersey EVERYWHERE. Do a quick search on Google and trust me, it's gone from bad to worse quickly.

As our own Chris pointed out earlier, I doubt that Cutler really quit on his team. Reports today have his MRI coming back with a Grade II tear in his MCL. Anything with "tear" seems like a pretty big deal. Plus, it's not like the Bears have a great o-line, Cutler probably would have gotten killed the rest of the game if he stayed in. If your QB can't stand or push off one of his legs, he's probably best suited on the bench.

But, hey, at least Eagles fans never burned McNabb jerseys! Right? Or did we? We did? Oh.

Check out TurdFergusonBlog for some more Cutler love.

Nice Shot, Gay Laugh

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , on 7:06 PM


No matter how incredibly gay the guy's laugh is in this video, or the fact that it appears to be a group of about seven 22-year-old dudes playing mini-golf with each other, this is a pretty cool shot. Gotta give props when props is due.

h/t TheChive.

Steelers > Jews

Published by Julia Volkovah under , , , on 6:44 PM

Apparently a news station in Kentucky had the Steelers beating the approximate 11 billion (figure, again, is approximate) Jewish folks that live in the New York metro area.

I'd make another joke about hoarding money, huge noses or pastrami , but I think WLKY has done enough already.

h/t TedWilliamsHead.

Afternoon Links: The Gatekeeper

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 1:03 PM

Jeff Passan: Spring Training Preview - Passan compares the Phils to the Miami Heat.  Minus the egos, dickishness, and national hatred.  [Yahoo]

Surfer rides 30 foot waves at Hawaii's most notorious reef break in the complete darkness of night. - This video totally reminds me of the last scene of Point Break. Johnny Utah is waiting on that beach to bring you down, brah.  [The Grind TV Blog]

Flavor Flav To Open Iowa Chicken Place - This dude is the personification of coonery. [Yahoo]

The Chinese Play Us All for Fools - So the Chinese pianist who played during President Hu's trip to the White House played an anti-American propaganda song and their whole country is laughing at us. [Althouse]

Yes, Yes, Mike Tomlin Looks Like Omar Epps - Deal with it. [MediaTakeOut]

Speaking Of Deal With It - Oh, Gucci. Amberlamps, Amberlamps, 911, 911. [Gif Party]

Real-Life Peter Griffin - The green pants may be photoshopped, but this is still a winner. [The Whoa]

Best Video Game Induced Slap of All Time - And it happened to an infant. I love the delayed reaction of the child from "what the hell happened" to "I probly should start crying". [WSHH]

Whiskey in a Can - 12oz of whiskey in a can. The company says it's "the perfect size to be shared between 3 people." Goddamn I love this country. This is perfect for those get-drunk-fast situations i.e. football games, long train rides, in line for a club, marital strife, etc. [Gawker]
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