Somebody might want to tell her where she actually was...
Read the New York Times piece or visit the blog here.

"For the last time, it is supposed to be Obama!!!"


"No!!!"

"No!!!"

There are increasing fears for the British Prime Minister's eyesight after an incident that took place in New York on Wednesday. During a press conference designed to promote the upcoming G20 meeting in London, Gordon Brown appeared to believe he was hugging his wife (who was in fact off-stage), while in reality, he was putting his arm around little more than thin air. Downing Street has brushed off the incident, stating that the PM was in fact "Making a joke about how he wishes he could put his arms around ordinary Brits."

Mr Brown is blind in one eye and has deteriorating eyesight in the other as a result of a rugby accident that occured when he was aged 16.

A secret Muslim, black radical, communist, socialist, elitist, would-be power-hungry dictator, a closet Mugabe fan, a mindless celebrity, who pals around with terrorists and takes his orders from Susan Sarandon and Michael Moore...and who is also really, really boring! Don't you just hate people like that?!

The producers of the upcoming remake of the 1974 James Bond film "The Man With the Golden Gun" have revealed that they will use GGI effects, rather than basic prosthetics, to create the villain's infamous third nipple. "Technology has now reached the point where we can render Francisco Scaramanga's (played by Christopher Lee in the original) nipple in CGI," said Brad Taylor, head of special effects at Industrial Light & Magic, the company tasked with providing effects for the film, "It has taken us a lot of time and money, but we have now developed the technology to give the third nipple a truly 3D feel."

Asked if this wasn't entirely pointless, Taylor defended the move stating "Just wait till you see the nipple."

Security experts are warning that a depleted Al-Qaeda may be developing a desperate new strategy - unleashing F-bombs in public. This shift is viewed as a sign that things are not going particularly well for the terrorist group. F-bomb attacks are viewed as easy to implement and require little training. An operative runs into a public place, yells "F@#k!" at the top of his or her voice and then runs away very, very fast hoping to cause as much offense as possible. Experts warn that schools and churches could be targeted in particular, due to their increased sensitivity to the F-word.

Pretty Incredible Group, Perfectly Inspiring Greatness...?

Note: Acronyms aren't w.o.r.d.s.

Tickets for a planned 50-city worldwide "This is It" tour by celebrity cancer sufferer Jade Goody have sold out within two days of going on sale, reports Ticketmaster. The farewell tour, which could now be extended into next year, will see Goody saying farewell to fans and well-wishers in various stadium settings. According to Jade Goody's publicist, Max Clifford, the heightened demand has led planners to begin re-thinking the scope of the farewell tour. "We are considering our options," said Clifford, "But it is clear that there continues to be a huge public appetite for saying goodbye one very last time to our beloved Jade."

"I'm just not a fan of split infinitives..."

Embattled GOP chairman Michael Steele is again under fire for a new Republican Party ad campaign, which critics have described as disgusting and utterly inappropriate. The poster ad, which was unveiled yesterday, appears to have sourced a widely-circulated "bad painting" of President Barack Obama (see badpaintingsofbarackobama.com) to make its point.

The painting in question shows Obama surrounded by Mexican tacos, against the backdrop of a White House adorned with the Mexican flag and also shows the president being adored by a strange mix of multi-colored, in some cases satanic-looking figures. Perhaps most curiously, the ad also features an array of underwear, including one pair in the president's hand. Critics have lashed out at the ad, arguing that it is filled with unsettling and inappropriate undertones.


However, Mr Steele has defended the ad, stating "I think both the painting and the ad perfectly embody the message that the new GOP is trying to convey. I think it has a very powerful message."

A.k.a. how to turn anything (that isn't actually true yet) into a cheap tabloid story thanks to Zoo magazine...

In this massive Newsifact investigation, we can reveal the architects of the Ponzi schemes that have defrauded innocent investors across the US of billions of dollars. Here, for the first time anywhere is the exclusive scoop of how they did it:

You take Potsie from "Happy Days"...


And have him meet with Fonzie, also from "Happy Days"...


The scheme which they hatch together will be a Potsie and Fonzie scheme...or a "Ponzi" scheme for short.

A "Ponzi" scheme.

A good example (we think) of powerful cursing in a movie that doesn't have a lot of it:



Trading Places (John Landis, 1983):





At the end of the film, brothers Randolph and Mortimer Duke (Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche) are outsmarted and avenged by Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Akroyd) and Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy). On the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, the brothers are about to lose everything:





President of Exchange: Mortimer, your brother is not well. We better call an ambulance.



Mortimer Duke: Fuck him! Now you listen to me! I want trading reopened right now. Get those brokers back in here. Turn those machines back on!!





Any other ideas? Comment below.

An Amazon.com reviewer has shamed the snooty and elitist liberal film critic establishment with his moving five-star review of the widely panned Mike Myers flop "The Love Guru":

More great (and one somewhat disturbing) reviews from "J. Kelderman" here.

"I can help you. I can make all this stop if you'll just..."

Troubled pop star Michael Jackson has unveiled what he says is his final, finished face and that he will undertake no more plastic surgery. The announcement was made at a press conference in London entitled "This is it." Jackson, who has had a compulsive obsessive disorder for more than twenty years related to the alteration of his appearance stated "I'm done. It has taken a lot of work, but this is the face I want to die with."


Highlights of the "finished" face include a disfiguring chin implant, an artificial nose tip (the result of a complete beakdown of nasal tissue), a strange wig and reconstructed cheekbones. Mr Jackson will be on display at the Tate Modern in London until August.