The US secret service was forced to apologise yesterday after US president George W. Bush was unexpectedly eaten by a wolf. Discussing the incident, one member of the secret service said "It was this kind of joke he liked to play sometimes. You know 'Aaah! A wolf is attacking me!' he'd shout from the Oval Office. So we just thought he wasn't serious - I admit that we just didn't give his pleas and cries for help serious attention until it was too late."

US president George W. Bush (1946-2008)
who was eaten by a wolf today.

In a move designed to appeal to younger voters, the McCain campaign today announced its choice of a "fun" VVP pick to run alongside the McCain-Palin ticket - the cartoon character Poochie the Dog.


Speaking about the choice, John McCain noted "I've heard that a long of young people with their e-mail pods and online internets are crazy about this Poochie character. So guess what? We've put him on the ticket! Poochie is really excited about this too - he's one outrageous dude!"

The McCain campaign has also dedicated a section on its webpage to Poochie, who explains by substituting the letter 's' with the letter 'z' just why McCain's policies should appeal to young people. One section on the McCain-Palin-Poochie website reads "This John Mac ain't gonna raiz your taxez!" In another section, Poochie remarks "The Mac ain't gonna loze in Iraq, 'coz he is with it man, get it? Yo!"

A stunt by magician David Blaine ended in near tragedy yesterday, after ambulances were called the performer's home. The stunt involved Mr Blaine attempting to "sit at home quietly for a week and not act like a dick." Unfortunately for Mr Blaine, only one day into the experiment the performer began to display signs of a deep psychosis and the whole scenario ended up with an ambulance rescuing Mr Blaine from his home after a frantic 911 call. Here is an excerpt the text released today by the emergency services:

"I'm Shrolah, king of the wallpaper men. This room is a channel - a living conduit. The risks we all take...Shatner, he never knew and never will. But had I gone too far, even for me?"

"Please state the nature of your emergency."



"Emergency, like emerging. I had crossed the fragile boundary between life and death."



"Sir, are you injured?"



"Injury, the last channel of psychic metaburbulation. No man since the Aztecs has known the barrier that man is not meant to cross. But here I was, crossing it. Making toast and tea, yet doing so much more. I was channeling my inner fears. The remote control had become a symbol of my own death; the fragile mortal state that carves the barrier between the inner life force and the darkness buried deep beneath the inner levels of the outer soul. There was no going back. I had committed to the ultimate challenge."

Mr Blaine's current whereabouts are unknown, though one source suggested that he has been committed to a psychiatric ward.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain has again reiterated his position that he will not make unconditional eye-contact with Democratic candidate Barack Obama until his opponent admits that he "doesn't understand." McCain decided to stop looking at his opponent during a recent joint appearance in New York to mark the anniversary of 9/11. During that time, not only did McCain avoid eye-contact, but desperately tried to distance himself from his opponent.

At Friday's presidential debates in Mississippi, McCain again underlined his position: "I just don't want to look at him unconditionally because he doesn't understand. Of course, if I win the election, I will certainly look him in the eye after that. If I don't, well I might just have a real 'maverick' fit."

If I only had a brain...



I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain.
And my head I'd be scratchin' while
my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had a brain.
I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le,
In trouble or in pain.
With the thoughts you'll be thinkin'
you could be another Lincoln
If you only had a brain.
Oh, I could tell you why The ocean's near the shore.
I could think of things I never thunk before.
And then I'd sit, and think some more.
I would not be just a nothin' my head all full of stuffin'
My heart all full of pain.
I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry,
If I only had a brain.

*

If I only had a heart...



When a man's an empty kettle he should be on his mettle,
And yet I'm torn apart.
Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kind-a-human,
If I only had heart.
I'd be tender - I'd be gentle and awful sentimental
Regarding Love and Art.
I'd be friends with the sparrows ...
and the boys who shoots the arrows
If I only had a heart.
Picture me - a balcony. Above a voice sings low.
Wherefore art thou, Romeo? I hear a beat....
How sweet.
Just to register emotion, jealousy - devotion,
And really feel the part.
I could stay young and chipper
and I'd lock it with a zipper,
If I only had a heart.


Don't worry, Sarah, it's all just a bad dream. There's no place like home... There's no place like home...

The US Congress has agreed to a controverisal $700 billion plan to completely wipe the last eight years from history. Under the plan, on November 4th, the 2000 Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore will appear in the shower and be told by his wife Tipper that he has just won Florida and thus the 2000 presidential election. The plan will closely mirror a similar scene in the 1980's soap Dallas, in which the character of Bobby Ewing was revived from the dead by making previous events - including his death - a dream.

Al Gore has reportedly agreed to the plan, which will involve asking every citizen of the US to reset their clocks and calendars and pretend that it is November 2000 again and Al Gore has just defeated Republican candidate George W. Bush. Issues such as the existence of the Twin Towers, Enron, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac etc. will be blamed on a huge hurricane, which, according to the plan, "took place while everybody was sleeping." The plan also has a "realignment" clause, in which the US will slowly catch up to present time by setting clocks to tick 21% faster. Thus, the US will match real global time by 2012.



In a statement about the proposal, congressional leaders urged the national to go along "We are in such a mess, that this really is the only way out. Even President Bush understands that."

The Chinese government has come under fire for its solution to a scandal surrounding tainted baby milk sold in the country. Traces of an industrial chemical called melamine were recently found in baby milk powder and have led to the deaths of several babies across the country. Last week, the government responded in an unusual way - by sending a copy of the Arnold Schwarzenegger film "Total Recall" to every family in the country.

But the scheme appears to have backfired. Not only are the films pirated copies, which appear to have been filmed inside a movie theater; not only do many of the DVDs not work, but the government has also admitted that the DVDs themselves are contaminated with lead and lethal dioxins and has asked people to wear gloves while handling them. Responding to the scandal, a Chinese official noted "Beijing 2008! Great success!"

In a surprise move, Satan has placed US presidential candidate John McCain's soul up for sale on the auction site eBay. The starting price was a mere 1 cent, suggesting frictions have emerged between Senator McCain and Satan.


In an interview with Newsifact, Satan tried to clarify matters, "I'm just de-cluttering - getting rid of some of the junk I've acquired over the years, that's all." And just how did Satan manage to get hold of such a rare item? "I got this panicky call a few months ago - this guy seemed really worried that he was going to lose some kind of election. It was quite rushed and he seemed so very desperate, so I offered him that "celebrity ad" idea and at the last minute threw in the Sarah Palin choice for good measure. He actually gave away his soul quite easily - I was really surprised."

The McCain camp has denied the claims, insisting that their candidate's soul was still where it should be. In an effort to quell the persistent rumors, they have even offered the press a limited peak at the candidate's religious records to prove it. Yet, the blogosphere remains alive with rumors that John McCain's campaign team are making sure the candidate does not appear in front of or even near any mirrors or reflective objects for the duration of the campaign. As for the soul, so far only one mysterious bidder calling himself "Maverick" has made an offer.

South African president Thabo Mbeki is attempting to negotiate a so-called "goal-sharing" agreement with FIFA bosses for the 2010 World Cup, sources report. According to Mr Mbeki's plans, the victor of a World Cup football match will be forced to share his goals with the vanquished side. In the case of an odd-numbered victory, say 3-2, the match would be replayed.

Commenting on the talks, Mr Mbeki stated "I am just concerned that the defeated side might become violent. This is a way to make everyone happy." Asked whether FIFA was considering the plan, Mr Mbeki said "I hope so."

Walter Koenig, famous for his portrayal of Mr Chekhov in the Star Trek film and television series has complained that lines from a speech to be given by the actor at fellow Trek star George Takei's wedding were cut just minutes before the ceremony. Koening acted as best man in the wedding between Mr Sulu star George Takei and his partner Brad Altman - gay weddings were legalised earlier this year throughout the state of California. The ceremony was also attended by Star Trek stars Leonard Nimoy and Nichelle Nichols - although William Shatner was notably absent.


Speaking about the controversy, Koenig said "I don't want to make too big a fuss about it, as this was George's big day. Basically, we agreed that I would give a speech before the wedding, and I spent quite a lot of time preparing it. But when I arrived, I was told that it had been cut down to just one line because they wanted to spend more of the ceremony focusing on George and Brad." Koenig also insists the controversy is being overhyped by the media, which has been keen to point similarities between this experience and his small role in the Star Trek series, often made smaller at the last minute. "That is silly," said Koenig "I mean, George still let me say more than just 'Aye Keptin' so I'm thrilled!"

Exclusive:

The wait is finally over! We bring you the hotly anticipated fall lineup for Russian television. And, as expected, it promises to be a season full of gems. Listed below are some of the more exciting new shows premiering over the next few months in Russia:


- "Is Putin Great or Fantastic?" This hard-hitting documentary series will not shy from asking tough questions and representing both sides of the argument.

- "Why Georgia is Gay" We know that people can be gay, but now Russian scientists have discovered that countires can also suffer from this affliction. This programme proves why the entire nation of Georgia is gay.

- "Putin Idol" Ordinary Russians must prove to a panel that they are like President (now Prime Minister) Putin. Losers are sent to Siberia.

- "Putin' it Right" Details to be confirmed.

- "Russia is Really, Really Important" Could Russia be the most important country in the world? This series says yes!

- "Cooking for your Enemies" A fun cookery series that shows how Polonium, Dioxins and other ingredients can make cooking for your enemies both exciting and fun!

- "Big Brother" How Russia is exporting friendship, joy and love to its friends. We talk to some of the most happy countires in the world like Belarus (where flowers grow on every corner) and ask them why Russia is so kind to them, when it doesn't have to be.

A circuit court in the US state of Minnesota has approved a subpoena request by the Republican Party to have God appear in court to explain "the precise meaning of hurricane Gustav." The move comes as evangelicals remain uncertain over how to interpret the significance of the hurricane coming at the precise time of the GOP convention, currently being held in St. Paul Minnesota.


"We just want to be absolutely clear," said one GOP insider "This seemed the best way to do it. Some people worry that God may be angry at us Republicans - and I want to prove them wrong. We want to haul God's butt into the court and have him explain himself." According to the subpoena, God has until 9am Friday to appear in court. Failure to do so will result in an arrrest warrant being issued.

Last month, the pressure group Focus on the Family issued a call to its supporters to "pray for rain" during presidential candidate Barack Obama's acceptnce speech at Invesco Field Stadium, Denver. No rain came - in fact the speech was given during perfect weather, and was almost universally praised. Yet, this week's Republican convention has been thrown into disarray by hurricane Gustav, which fortunately failed to cause as much damage as had been feared.

"I'm just realy confused," said one evangelical Republican "I thought Katrina was about God being angry at decadent blacks, or something like that. But this is really weird. I sure hope God isn't a Democrat."

In a surpise announcement, John McCain has named a professional Hillary Clinton impersonator as his choice for VP.


Asked whether the move was a cynical ploy, a chief McCain camp insider said "That is sexist. How dare you?"