Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 9 NFL Spread Picks

This pic has made its way around the interwebs, but it just makes me wonder if that guy's arm was really taken off in a shark attack incident. God, how I hope there's an incredibly embarrassing story he's trying to cover up with that tat. Perhaps a lawnmower accident? Maybe an angry elevator door?  Or possibly a harrowing ordeal involving a chain-link fence and a llama?  Whatever it was, it's infinitely more likely that it was the roof girder accident when he was 7 than the deadly harpoon fight he had with a South African great white.

We're just about at the halfway point of the season. The Shark's record against the spread stands at 64-48-5 and the Cowboys are fast approaching 1-15. All is right in the world.

Onto the picks!

BILLS (+3) over Bears
This game is taking place in Toronto. The Bills should probably embrace Canadians because I'm guessing this franchise will move to Toronto full time in the next few years. Anyway, the Bills have to win eventually, right? Fitzpatrick has played decent and they'll steal a game eventually. Maybe this is the spot. Plus, the Bears offensive line will not give up until Jay Cutler's brain is made into mashed potatoes.

TEXANS (+3) over Chargers
I've decided to bet on the Chargers when they're at home and against them when they're on the road.  That decision is not up for discussion.  The Chargers play like a shit team away from San Diego.  That's not to say they've exactly been roses at home, but they just can't put together a complete game to save their lives on the road.

PANTHERS (+6.5) over Saints
Do yourself a favor and don't bet this game. It just doesn't give me a good feeling. We'll take the points and hope Drew Brees' leg falls off at the knee.

Cardinals (+9) over VIKINGS
The Vikings just lost a tough game on the road and have to find a way to get up for the Cardinals. Mix in the whole Randy Moss nonsense from earlier in the week, and this team has to be distracted. Take the points.

FALCONS (-8.5) over Buccaneers
I fully expect the Falcons to crush the Bucs this week. You might think the Bucs are a young, up-and-coming team considering they have a 5-2 record this year, but I'm not completely sold. None of those 5 wins are against teams with a winning record right now. In the two losses, they were outscored 19-69 by the Steelers and Saints. The Falcons are a very good team and will have similar success against Tampa. Plus, no team allows more rushing yards per carry (5.2) than Tampa. The Falcons have Michael Turner and LOVE to run the football.

Jets (-4) over LIONS
Had the Jets won last week, I would've been more inclined to go with Detroit.  Since they got shutout, you have to assume they'll come out with a vengeance.  If I wasn't so lazy, I'd make a clever Die Hard 3 joke in that last line, but I'll leave that up to your boyish imaginations.  [EDITORS NOTE: "What da FUH!?"]

Dolphins (+5) over RAVENS
Have you noticed that the Dolphins are unstoppable on the road?  They're a very impressive 4-0 against the spread this year away from home.  Some would say they're due for a loss.  While that's a valid point, I think they matchup well against a somewhat over-hyped Baltimore team.

BROWNS (+5) over Patriots
The public is all over the Patriots and I'm not buying it. The Browns aren't that great of a team, but they're 8-2 against the spread versus the AFC in their last 10 games. I also think the Pats may fall into a trap here by looking ahead - after this game against the lowly Browns, they have back to back matchups against the Steelers and Colts.

SEAHAWKS (+7) over Giants
I'm a sucker for the Seahawks at home. I've said this before, but Seattle has a definite advantage from their fans. You wouldn't think so considering nobody thinks of the Seahawks as intimidating, but I speak the truth. Coming off a sound thumping last week, the Seahawks are getting a couple extra points to play with on the line. This just seems like a good spot for them.

Chiefs (+3) over RAIDERS
The Chiefs screwed me again last week.  I finally pick these assholes, and they almost lose outright to the worthless Bills.  The Raiders have played way over their heads for two consecutive weeks and it's about time they remember who they really are.

EAGLES (-3) over Colts
The public is all over the Colts. I almost can't blame them - getting points with Peyton Manning doesn't happen too often. Vegas knows this is a big game and therefore, will be taking many bets on it. I have to think they're sharp on this line by making the Eagles the favorite. People love to bet the Colts and seeing them getting points is going to push nearly all the action to Indy's side. Just remember the oddsmakers aren't dummies - there's a reason they're inviting you to take the Colts. That reason? MIKE VICK, bitches. He and DeSean Jackson's bubble helmet are going to have their way with the Indy defenders. Then their mothers after the game. Oh, and here is your obligatory mention of Andy Reid's 11-0 record following the bye week. Eagles win 27-23.

PACKERS (-8) over Cowboys
Roy Williams thinks the Cowboys can rattle off 9 straight wins. He's also an assface. I thought they'd put up a fight at home against the Jaguars last week, but instead, they spread their cheeks for David Garrard. How are they going to get up for this game against the Packers on the road? Right about now, Jerry Jones is secretly mixing Clorox into Wade Phillips' oatmeal.

Steelers (-5) over BENGALS
I don't allow myself to bet on the Bengals.  Ever.  It's amazing how a team who looks so out of sync every week can be as overvalued as this Cincinnati team.  I fully expect Carson Palmer to throw a minimum of 4 interceptions.

Good luck and enjoy the games!