Israeli spokesperson Mark Regev "I am no longer able to smile."

Israeli government spokesperson Mark Regev has revealed that his time defending Israeli policies with regards to the Palestinians has left him unable to smile. He has also announced that he will take a few months leave over the summer and work for a major tobacco company instead, saying "Compared to what I have been doing, it is a moral step upwards and should ease the constant strain visible on my increasingly burdened face."

Most recently, Regev has been articulating the official government policy of a partial suspension of settment building in the West Bank, which could fully resume at any time if peace talks fail - something which critics argue is utterly meaningless and merely a stalling tactic in the eventual pursuit of persuading all Palestinians to move into surrounding Arab countries rather than endure the humiliations of being treated like animals within the West Bank. "Convincing people that dogshit is healthy for you would make more sense than our policies!" joked Regev.