Madonna: my guide to retail therapy.

by Madonna

Hey girls! Feeling a bit down after a (another) failed relationship - God, men suck, don't they? Well, here's the solution! Crap films - done that; shit soft porn books; done that too; kiss another fucked-up attention-starved celeb! Done that too...


Girls, you need to go on a really girlie shopping spree and get yourself a baby (done that too, but it felt really good)! Kids don't judge you the way adults do, so it is a really good way to cure the blues. And the cool thing is that African babies won't know how sad you are cos they don't have much tv or internet there, so you have lots of time to make them like you. Literally years! I mean come on? Surely some poor African kid wants to spend time with me? Being with Madge is better than going hungry, right? But what African country? Go with Malawi and make sure the kid has living parents. I mean, you don't want some weirdo kid from Rwanda or Darfour that has lost its parents - "Boo hoo!" - "Shut the fuck up, I say!"

So anyway, I went to Africa and took along my daughter Lourdes, who is starting to look scarily like me when I was young. She is only 12, but just look at those headlines! Like a virgin? You, bet guys!


By the way, I always like to wear my "I'm adopting in Africa" outfit, which kind of makes me look like I'm dressing down even though I'm actually wearing a $2800 Chanel sweatsuit. Hey, it is a recession, I am trying to look modest!


And don't forget to arrive in a private jet!


Well there you go girls! Good luck!