Yahoo News - The world's most famous groundhog predicted an early spring Wednesday, but wasn't willing to go out on a limb to forecast whether the nearby Pittsburgh Steelers will win Sunday's Super Bowl. Punxsutawney Phil emerged just after dawn on Groundhog Day to make his 125th annual weather forecast in front of a smaller-than-usual crowd who braved muddy, icy conditions to hear his handlers reveal that he had not seen his shadow. In reality, Pennsylvania's prophetic rodent doesn't see much of anything. The result is actually decided in advance by 14 members of the Inner Circle, who don tuxedos and top hats for the event.

Whoa whoa whoa...what was that? What was that sentence that you literally buried seven paragraphs deep into the story? The GROUNDHOG doesn't predict the events on GROUNDHOG DAY??

I feel like my entire perception of this holiday has been a lie. Fuck feeling -- my entire perception of this holiday has been, in fact, a bold-faced lie. Fuck you, western Pennsylvania. There is no amount of Sonny & Cher or creepy Bill Murray's seduction of Andie MacDowell that can make this day okay again. Everything else in my life is run by councils of rich decision-making men (the government, the products I purchase, the company I work for), now I gotta live with the fact that the groundhog doesn't even predict the outcome of Groundhog day? Jesus.

Go Packers.

Believe it or not, there are thousands of people on this planet who would kill themselves if they earned the paltry scraps that America's professional athletes receive. These people are called billionaires, and they live in the (presumably luxurious) shadows of society. They walk among us -- faceness, nameless, and unappreciated. They don't get the benefit of hearing 50,000 fans chant their name or the thrill of screaming at the sky in championship ecstasy. No, they get none of this recognition and still manage to be the driving force behind many things we take for granted. They have the tough jobs: they sell our oil, they control our governments, they manage our hedge funds. And what do these poor men (and Oprah) get in return? Four billion dollars in a single year? HIGHWAY ROBBERY!

So, in honor of the tireless service of these undervalued overlords, I've plugged the 2009 earnings of the world's highest paid CEO into ESPN's Salary Crunch to see how he stacks up against everyone's favorite overpaid first baseman. This one's for you, Ray Irani of Occidental Petroleum Corporation! Maybe one day you'll be on the richest people in the world list. Probably not, though.

And good luck hitting those 267 HRs this year, Ryan.