Flyers GM Paul Holmgren is a serious character. His koopa-face was constructed from the leftover pieces of Mt. Rushmore. The man could kill a fetus with a sharp glance. He's been known to rip season ticket holders dicks off for not complimenting the smell of his farts.

I'm not saying he's ever really murdered anybody, but you don't finger the man's daughter in the back seat of his own car and get away with it.

On Wednesday he held a closed-door meeting with the floundering Flyers, as reported (fabricated?) by known wolf-crier and Flyer's beat writer Tim Panaccio.

Holmgren told them to get their heads out of their ass or they'll be found hanging on a hook in the butcher's freezer. He then face-fucked Danny Briere's pretty little mouth. (citation needed)

Still 1st in the Atlantic Division, the Flyers sit four points behind Washington in the Eastern Conference headed into their Friday matchup at Buffalo.

...

Ed Snider couldn't be reached for a photoshop because this blog isn't crazy enough to make jokes about Mr. Snider.

Mr. Snider.

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

Apparently, the Edmonton Oilers had a little peepee in their pants during the first period of Tuesday night’s game. The young Oilers team was criticized for playing nervous and scared as they sat back and watched the resurgent Flyers squad do work on em'. Flyers outshot the Oilers 17-1 in the first period. That's on some video game shit right there. Flyers win 4-1 with a nice 2 goal game from Jeff Carter.

Thank God! I was checking for used puppies and online ministries myself after that 4 game slump. We needed to beat up on a team like this for our own sense of self, I mean, we are the bullies after all. Lavs and Homer played this losing streak the right way. After that blow-out Rangers game, the Flyers players were given the silent treatment and told to go home.

"They were just as embarrassed as the rest of us after that game. Sometimes you just got to pull away and let them sit in their own pile of shit and hit them the next day."- Paul Holmgren

Just a couple more things. 1.) Giroux needs to shoot, stop with the no look drop passes. I like you...but you’re crazy. 2.) Andreas Nodl and Nickolay Zherdev were both scratched. This is a fair deal. If one is out, the other should be out too. If only Zherdev and Nodl could find a pair of those DBZ earrings, or learn the dance and fuse together to create one good player, that'd be perfect... Nickoleas Zherdl would be the shit. That's all I have to say about that.

LET’S GO FLYERS!

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

I had a conversation with a friend when the Flyers acquired Kris Versteeg, and he said, "I hope he isn't a black cat like Kyle Calder was a few years back." And then I said, "Yeah, that would suck." We are now in serious "black cat" watch. Even though he is scoring, we keep losing. Hey Kris - Put your mouth piece in your mouth and stop turning the puck over, will ya?

What happened to Cobourn and O'Donell? O'Donell is old and hurt, but Braydon Cobourn is just getting beat time after time. March is Defensive Awareness Month, so you best recognize, Cobourn.

Our power play and penalty kill are weak. Special teams are at like a 73 right now. The next McDonald's Power Play contestant is scheduled to make $300,025… or something like that.

We lost that nice 7 point lead in the East. It's now down to a two point lead over Boston for the number one spot. I want home ice advantage guys. I need a nice little 6 game win streak, EARLY!

It's hard for me to sit here and say that I'm not worried. But I'm not. All the teams they lost to suck, with the exception of Toronto. (Who might actually be able to do some damage if they get into the playoffs.) It's hard for the Flyers to get motivated to play teams that are in desperation mode. The Rangers game was a different story. What, you forgot that they were The Rangers? Flyers vs Rangers Sunday games are great! Flyers played their worst game of the season and got shut out 7-0 at home on live National Television against a big time rival. That shit is not cool. If that wasn't a wake up shot, then I don't know what is. Don't go Mia Wallace on me, Flyers; I can't be plunging needles into your breast plate.

But we're not in panic mode - it's more of a "deer in headlights" mode. It's hard for us to tell if this losing streak is a truck or not. If it turns out to be a tractor trailer, and not kids with flashlights, then it is indeed panic mode time.

Jody Shelley hinted there is some trouble in the locker room regarding players work ethic, and it’s an issue the team will remedy on its’ own. Hockey players are known for policing themselves, and Jody Shelley is a big ass dude that is hard to argue with. I hope everything works out, Jody. Not only with the team, but whatever that knot is you got goin' on in your ass cheeks.

LET'S GO FLYERS!

[pic via Scott Levy / Getty Images]

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

So obviously the word is out that TheWizWit is the official place to be when it comes to what the Flyers should do and shit. I mean, why else would they bring Zherdev back into the lineup, if not for my "Let Zherdev Spin" campaign? How bout that Versteeg Richards Zherdev line the other night? ... Jordan! (Is it now time to say, "Kobe" as you take a jumper? Is that what the kids are doing now? Personally, I prefer to do my shot callin' as I invoke Jordan's moniker. To each his own I guess) Long story short, nailed it! If only they would listen to my "Stop with this Nodl Shit" campaign, everything would be Cake + Money.

Yeah, we lost that game against the Senators the other night... whatever. Pronger was out, and Boucher finally had that inevitable Boucher game. And we learned lessons. We learned that Chris Pronger and Mike Richards cannot miss anymore games. When either of them are out of the lineup, the team just isn't right. We learned that Bob is our playoff goalie. Boucher is having a great year, but he always breaks down around this time of year, and he looked terrible against Ottawa. And we also learned that we needed a 7th defenseman. Acquiring Nick Boynton off of waivers was a real nice move. He's a 78 overall, and we got him for nothing. You take that all day, right? I think we got a lot of our questions answered this month, although Bill Clement disagrees with me. His speaking voice is way better than mine, so he wins. That's how Obama won, right?

Flyers traded some Phantoms for a part time winger, Tom Sestito. He's a 6'5" 228 lbs. gorilla beast, who will factor into the Flyers plans for next season. He'll be a 25 year old, Jody Shelley next year. I'm cool with that. Keep on paying attention to me Flyers Internet Scouts, I got a lot of good suggestions on what you should be doing and shit.

PS- Claude. Giroux. Is. Stupid.

LET'S GO FLYERS

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

Scottie meant to hit him hard, no doubt, but I doubt he intended to send Bartulis flying into the boards and separating his shoulder like that. Bartulis is not an NHL level d-man to begin with, coming into his first game in 2 months against a hot Coyotes team trying to make the playoffs. Things are gonna get rough. Gotta keep your head up, kid. This is Hockey, not fuckin' Patty Cake.

Sucks Laviolette hated Zherdev so much. This is probably how his waiver decision was made: The Part of Holmgren will be played by Brian from Family Guy while Peter Laviolette will be played by Christopher Walken-

Holmgren: I tried trading him, Peter, but everyone is gonna wait till we waive him.
Lavs (takes the gum out of his mouth): I can't stand the fuckin' guy! I hate him so much!
Holmgren: But he's got so much raw talent. I can't just waive him like that.
Lavs: I fuckin' can't stand him! He's like a fuckin' retarded Ovechkin out there! FUCK!
Holmgren: But Peter...
Lavs: Off the fuckin' team!
Holmgren: P--
Lavs: FUCKIN' NOW!
[/scene]

Hated his guts. Zherdev is a pure sniper, he shouldn't have had to play defense - isn't that why we brought in all those defenseman? He was here to score goals. Why do we not have a Zherdev - Richards - Versteeg line right now? He must have been a real jerkoff. He's got so much raw talent, and nobody wants to play with him. But why? He's your standard, crazy, ego-maniacal Russian; surely every team needs one of those. Right? Stop with this Nodl shit.

I guess I'm just getting nervous cause it's almost beard time, they're making all these moves, Lavs is going crazy with line combos, and dudes are getting blown up left and right. Our depth has been our strength all year, then bye bye Matt Walker, bye bye Zherdev - and now what do we have? I don't like it. But Laviolette is a great coach, and maybe this helps out Leino's contract talks or something. I'm conceding that these men are much more knowledgeable than I am when it comes to both, hockey situations, and where to buy nice suits. All I'm sayin' is that your moves is suspect, yo.

Flyers beat the Rangers on Sunday and got points against the Coyotes on Tuesday. They are blowing the East away, and I'm upset because Zherdev got waived, and Versteeg is wearing number 10... That's John LeClair's number... All-in-all, I'd say I'm up at this point. But O'Donnell is likely out, Betts is out, Bartulis is out, Shelley might be out, and Boucher might be hiding an injury. Might be nice to have some skilled hockey players hanging around in case someone gets hurt.

LET’S GO FLYERS

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

They call it, "The Brind' Amour Face." It's when you flare your nostrils and lips and don a blank stare, thus appearing ugly and stupid, yet intimidating all at the same time... in the face. It's known world wide, from Philly to Carolina, and everyone does it in intense situations such as feeling for ripe melons and/or winning face offs. Actually, I'm the only one that does this face. But I do it for fun, out of love. Roderic Jean Brind'Amour was born doing it.

It's not just Rod Brind' Amour's puck blasted face that got his no. 17 jersey retired last night in Carolina, It was his work ethic and determination, his talent and skill, his championship caliber leadership, and his thick thighs. His dedication to the gym is obviously the reason he holds the Flyers franchise record for consecutive games played. He looks pretty passionate about tanning and laundry as well. He kept himself in great shape for his 20 plus year career. I mean, shit, he played in Philly for 9 years, when we traded him to Carolina he was old, and then he goes and plays 10 more years, and wins The Cup in 2006! Crazy healthy.

He is best known as a face off winning machine. The combination of his strength and face makes out drawing him nearly impossible. He is also regarded as a great defensive forward, which he won a Selke Trophy for, in 2006. What I will always remember, is how many open nets this man missed while wearing the Orange and Black. Don't get me wrong, he was a prolific scorer, about 25-30 goals a year, all I'm saying is that he could've easily scored 85 goals a season.

It's easy to understand why the Carolina Hurricanes honored Brind' Amour by retiring his jersey. He is a hockey Icon in both cities. Clearly a fan favorite for both the Hurricanes and the Flyers; he practically built the Hurricanes and won the Stanley Cup, and I still see at least 15 Brind' Amour jerseys every time I go to a Flyers game. That's why it was cool to see the Flyers organization honor the night, not by sitting in the dressing room during the festivities, but actively engaging in the ceremony by having all the Flyers wear no.17 Brind' Amour jerseys during the pre-skate and banner raising. Brind' Amour is our guy too, and he recognized that in his speech. It was real classy by both franchises. Props to the Carolina fans who cheered the Flyers for their participation, that was nice. We're all a bunch of nice guys ova' here.

And then we lost 3-2.

LET'S GO FLYERS

Written by TWW friend "Anonymous"

So, we went out and got Kris Versteeg, and that's pretty cool. He could be like a replacement Gagne in the playoffs. He was a Chicago Shmohawk last year, but that's okay, I always kinda liked the guy, but don't get it twisted, I will always hate his face, and I will always resent him for what he did to me last year... it was inappropriate, and I did NOT give consent.

Not for nothin', It's kinda hard to be mad this year. The Guys are 38-14-5, that's the second best record in Hockey. Our only real competition in the East is Boston and Tampa. Pittsburgh is just some team now, with Malkin out for the year and Crosby's fate being compared to that of our very own concussion magnet, Eric Lindros. Check the eerie comparisons with these guys. We all remember how great Lindros was, until Scott Stevens put that permanent gay twinkle in his eyes.

Basically, we're winning The Cup this year. There's only two things I can think of that I would want fixed on the squad. 1.) Just let Zherdev spin around the ice and toe-drag as much as he wants. You let Giroux do it last year. He just wants to score goals girls love. 2.) Nodl, who is the Hockey equivalent of a stem-cell, needs to decide what kind of player he wants to be. He's a classic jack of all trades, master of none. Get him off the first line, and don't make Richards play with him anymore... just stop it. Other than that, we're in good shape for a deep run this year. Like a SCUBA Marathon.

LET'S GO FLYERS

SI.com's Photo section posted a gallery today of "Hockey's All-Time Best Toothless Smiles". Clearly, our own Bobby Clarke ranked high on the list. Also making the list was Dan Carcillo. Check out the whole gallery HERE. It's a good way to waste 5 minutes. Trust me.

So really, how great of a photograph is this? I dare you to make this your wallpaper for the rest of your work day. At the very least it's bound to bring people by and stir up some good sports conversation. God knows you’ve already given up for the day.

CrossingBroad - For only the second time in his NHL career, Jeff Carter got into a fight. Well, it wasn't so much a fight as it was what happens when your Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em robots would get stuck together and feverishly pounding on the buttons did nothing more than get them even more tangled than they already were.
His was one of just many last night. Claude Giroux, Scott Hartnell, Sean O'Donnell, and Jody Shelley all threw down in what was a wild third period. The Flyers won 6-2, but this game was all about the fights.

Our friends at Crossing Broad have this covered perfectly. Nice to see the old school Broad Street Bullies style in town last night. Great game for Flyers fans. Pronger returned, they won by 4 goals and extended their points lead over Pittsburgh, and a bunch of 5 minute fighting majors were handed out.

Check out the above video for the fight-night recap. Especially around the 2-minute mark when Shelly v. Neil starts.

Okay, okay, so it was pretty dirty for some of the Flyers bench (Briere and Hartnell) to rabbit punch a Rangers player in the back of the head after he blasted Kimmo Timonen off his skates. I get that. But when other players do something shitty, Sean Avery always has to make it known that he is the shittiest asshole around.

Avery had the chance to fight a few guys during this scrum in the second period of the Flyers/Rangers game, and instead of picking a worthy adversary, he chooses Matt Carle who had previously been apart of ZERO total fights. Then Avery punches Carle THREE TIMES while dude is on the ground.

Nice job, Sean. I hope your team is enjoying third place.

You were sorely mistaken, hombre. I'm not even sure what exactly it is you're going for here, but I can assure you it's not funny or clever. This customized piece of doo-doo is nothing but a colossal waste of money. No one is seriously tapping you on the shoulder to compliment you on this glorified sweat rag without immediately turning back to his friends for some chuckles.

It's a little sad considering the guy appears to be an older gentleman. I base that on the scientific evidence of his old-looking back-of-the-head and on account of the quarter turtleneck peeking out from under the jersey. The poor fella probably has no idea how dumb this purchase was, or why he always gets stuck with the ugly chicks.

h/t Joe Sports Fan

Marc-Andre Bourdon has had a crappy season to say the least. The former Flyers 3rd round pick and current Phantoms defenseman has been a healthy scratch, buried on the depth chart, and completely unimpressive. Now we can add 'knocked the fuck out' to the list.

Picking up right where his super 2010 ended, Bourdon began the new year with a bang. Sadly for him, it was the kind of bang that leaves you with Austin Collie arms.

Anyway, here's to a swift recovery... and becoming a less shitty player in the future.


h/t to Philabright

It's time a goalie got us a Cup, right? Bob?

Go Flyers.

Passive aggressive pot shots for all! How can you not love having a guy like this on your team? My favorite part is the smirk he gives each time he takes a shot. Despite the shootout loss, this post-game interview is full of WIN.

That is Justin Bieber. He's annoying, Canadian, a Yankee fan, and a pedophile’s dream. He’s also been given an honorary personalized jersey by the Flyers. That’s all well and good, but come on - #1 is Bernie Parent's number. How they gonna slap BIEBER over one of the greatest goalies of all time? No respect I tell ya. No respect.

Check out Broad Street Hockey for more.

[pic via Ike Richman]

Many thanks to TWW friend Rich

The Flyers may have fallen to the Tampa Bay Lightning last night, but early on there was one thing worth celebrating - longtime Flyer Simon Gagne was met with a well-deserved standing ovation from fans.  In a super classy move, the Flyers went the extra mile and put together the tribute video you see above.  The video ran early in the first period to roaring applause.  Gagne acknowledged the crowd with smiles and a wave.

If there's one thing Philadelphia proves over and over again, it's the city's never-ending admiration for their favorite players.  Like Donovan McNabb, Brian Dawkins, Pat Burrell, and Allen Iverson before him, Gagne got a taste of it firsthand.

By TWW friend Anonymous
I understand that Hockey is an afterthought to many sports fans around the country, primarily because it is not an “American” game, and national media coverage limits any type of in-depth knowledge of the players and story lines that can make sports more attractive. There are a lot of foreigners with crazy names, and not enough black guys to gauge athleticism. I get it. But this isn’t the rest of the country, this is Philadelphia, and here in Philadelphia, we love us our Flyers.

Let’s not forget that the Flyers were in the Cup last season. Regardless of how it happened, we were there, and it was a great series that really elevated the status of hockey in this town. The Winter Classic, the Olympics, and the Playoffs were captivating as hell. Even Maurice watched them. Hockey is a great sport, and for those of you who just made a Ruxin face at that comment, F U -- your ostentatious ignorance and narrow minded provincialisms are cockblocking your senses, homey. Yous guys need to get up for this championship caliber team and welcome back our boys in the Orange and Black this season with the same amount of Philly passion you delve out toward the Phillies and Eagles! Don’t be a Phugasi Phan, it’s 4 for 4 or nothing.

LET’S GO FLYERS

First it was the CoreStates Center, then the FU Center. Now, the Wachovia Center has become the Wells Fargo Center...officially.

Personally, I'll miss the FU Center. I mean, could a more perfect name exist for a Philadelphia sports arena? Probably not, unless of course a company named "Fuck You Donovan You Suck and You Too Scott Rolen and Eric Lindros. Kill Yourselves" buys Wells Fargo.

Could happen.

The goal came so out of nowhere, from such an impossible angle, that it all seemed surreal. But with that, the season was over.

The Flyers sure made it farther than anyone could have hoped, but neither the team nor the fans will find any solace in that today. The sting is fresh and will be for quite some time. Losing three one-goal games certainly screams that this series could have gone either way and ultimately the Flyers fell simply because the Blackhawks were just a little bit better in those games.

Once the wounds heal, as they always do, this team will be remembered for what it accomplished just as much for what it didn't. It will go down with the 1950 Phillies, 1987 Flyers, 1993 Phillies and 2001 Sixers as fun teams we didn't see coming who almost won it all. This team was able to capture the city, and turned non-hockey fans into Flyers fanatics for two months. Hell, they even got me back into hockey, certainly no easy task.

Eventually we'll turn our heads to next season, wonder if the Flyers will ever get a stud goalie and hope that players like Leino and Giroux can continue to grow. But for now, it's time to sulk. And that's ok. We're Philadelphia. We do sulk really, really well.

Go Flyers.