God Hates Marlin Jackson's legs
Published by Julia Volkovah under Eagles, God, Injuries on 8:55 PM
Marlin Jackson went up to defend a pass down the middle of the field, came down on the artificial turf inside the practice facility at the NovaCare Complex and the whole picture in the defensive backfield changed. For how long, we don't know (yes we do), but a ruptured Achilles tendon sounds like a season-long injury (it is). Jackson, signed in the off-season as a low-risk, high-reward player, reacted the way players react when they know they are seriously hurt.
Jackson immediately clutched his right leg, rocked back and forth, and then took off his gloves and threw them to the ground.
MARLIN JACKSON: Oh my God...aarrgggdggddd! WHY God...WHYY???
God: Because you are the owner of Roy Spancake's legs, Marlin.
MJ: Oh my God!
God: Yes?
MJ: No, I mean holy shi-- oh, I'm--I'm sorry I--
God: No explaining, señor. You asked me a question. I gave you an answer.
MJ: So...señor?........what's Spancake?
God: Roy Spancake. I despised his legs. They were very rude to me on more than one occasion. In '92 they cut in front of me at the Bebe's Kids premere. They wouldn't stop kicking Charlie Chaplin because of the Hitler resemblance. They breakdanced....on 9/11! So, finally, they were brought to council and sentenced to eternity on Earth. You are the owner of them for now and -- because I am a vengeful Guy -- I torment them. I never meant any harm to you personally, Marlin.
MJ: Meant no harm to me!? But my career is OVER! First the one knee, then the other knee, now my Achilles...I can't come back from this! And...and I had my legs on 9/11. I didn't breakdance! How can I just have somebody's legs, man? ...I mean, God?
God: The concepts of indirect transfer, transoulistic morphing, and crescent fresh are unknown to you now. It's all quite complicated. And I'm God.
MJ: But it doesn't make any sense. In the Bible it says--
God: Whoa...whoa.....are you trying to start a religious argument with God? Is that what you just did cause I thought I just heard--
MJ: No no...I'm sorry, God. I'm so sorry I should know not to doubt your wisdom. It's just that...my career is over now.
God: That's where you're wrong, Marlin. Your career is just beginning. You are destined for much greater achievements in this lifetime, mijo. Even with those legs. You will become unbelievably wealthy and loved as the nations next...Billy Mays!
MJ: Wow......really?!?
God: Hahahahaha, no. Why do people really WANT that? Tú crazy, muchacho. Hey, check this out!
[The tendons on the back of Marlin Jackson's foot begin to slowly pull apart. Marlin watches and screams in agony]
God: Oops...did I do that?? Haha -- don't you get it? Family Matters. Don't ya'll miss that show?
MJ: Waldo Geraldo Faldo.
