Groundhog Day is Bullshit: The More You Know

Yahoo News - The world's most famous groundhog predicted an early spring Wednesday, but wasn't willing to go out on a limb to forecast whether the nearby Pittsburgh Steelers will win Sunday's Super Bowl. Punxsutawney Phil emerged just after dawn on Groundhog Day to make his 125th annual weather forecast in front of a smaller-than-usual crowd who braved muddy, icy conditions to hear his handlers reveal that he had not seen his shadow. In reality, Pennsylvania's prophetic rodent doesn't see much of anything. The result is actually decided in advance by 14 members of the Inner Circle, who don tuxedos and top hats for the event.

Whoa whoa whoa...what was that? What was that sentence that you literally buried seven paragraphs deep into the story? The GROUNDHOG doesn't predict the events on GROUNDHOG DAY??

I feel like my entire perception of this holiday has been a lie. Fuck feeling -- my entire perception of this holiday has been, in fact, a bold-faced lie. Fuck you, western Pennsylvania. There is no amount of Sonny & Cher or creepy Bill Murray's seduction of Andie MacDowell that can make this day okay again. Everything else in my life is run by councils of rich decision-making men (the government, the products I purchase, the company I work for), now I gotta live with the fact that the groundhog doesn't even predict the outcome of Groundhog day? Jesus.

Go Packers.