We're going all pictures today, kids.

So what did we learn? Andy Reid Hammer Pants, StewBrad: Out, Mike Vick is Going to Die Soon, Running to the Westside, and Splash.


Andy Reid Hammer Pants -





StewBrad: Out -

Mike Vick is Going to Die Soon -

Running to the Westside - 

Splash - 

h/t to HughE Dillon

The NFL is Fixed - So Asante Samuel inadvertently makes contact with another players' helmet during a shoulder tackle and gets fined $40,000 while Andre Johnson only gets $25,000 for RIPPING OFF A DUDES HELMET AND PUNCHING HIM TWICE IN THE HEAD? I understand the caps lock is a bit leading, but check it, even in lowercase it's crazy. he got into a fistfight during the game, ripped off the other guys helmet, and successfully beat him about the face and head. Twenty-five K and no suspension? Crazy.

Well, maybe not that crazy. The NFL has a nationally-televised only-game-in-town to sell on its network this Thursday. And they couldn't have the lowly Texans going into this game without their best player, could they? I mean, who knows how quickly the game could be over without him? They needed to keep this whole "rage-fueled fistfight" incident low-key and under-penalized because, hey, the Texans need all the help they can get to make a date with the Eagles in Philly an attractive national matchup. And the NFL needs as many eyeballs on the screen to secure those fat ad revenue checks. Keep dancin' for that money, ho!

I've said it before: the NFL is fucking rigged. Gosh danget do I love the First Amendment.

What else did we learn? Tackling, Quentin Mikell is in Michael Lewis Territory, Bears Stretched Us Out, Give Cutler Credit, Come Back Asante, Moose Your Suit Looks Ridiculous, Fix Yo Field, and Blame the O-Line.


Tackling - The Birds defense played like butt(er scrapple). While it fits to point the finger at the secondary for Exhibits A and B, the majority of the problems on defense were with tackling. Devin Hester bubble screens for 39? Matt Forte up the gut for 61? You're poopin me, right?

Listen, I know Andy Reid. Big Red and I are like Britt Reid and Oxycontin (only I'm not smuggled in his asshole). Andy Reid chewed out the kids because they showed a lack of effort. Team awareness was, like, a 65. Solution? TACKLESCHOOL! When a good team loses like this one did on Sunday, it's time to get back to basics.

Quentin Mikell is in Michael Lewis Territory - Remember Michael Lewis? Neither do I. Quentin Mikell is well on his way to being sent to the barren wasteland of Candlestick park along with other zombie Eagles like Westbrook and Lewis. Missed tackles, poor coverage, slow pursuit of runaway runningbacks -- it doesn't look good for the lone veteran of an otherwise young team. The blame last year was placed squarely on the shoulders of then-rookie now-Redskin Macho Harris, but even then there were visible cracks in Mikell's armor. This year -- now playing alongside a much more capable Nate Allen -- it looks like we may need to draft another Safety early next year. Allen hasn't been perfect, but you can't point the finger at the rookie again this season.

Bears Stretched Us Out - I HATE the stretch play. HATE IT. Why? Because the Eagles are TURRIBLE as defending the thing. With the middle of the defense having exponentially improved through addition by subtraction (MINUS Bunkley PLUS Dixon), the Bears were smart to exploit the edges. While the Eagles certainly don't lack team speed, their featherweight coverage-only corners can't tackle. Kudos to Chicago for reaching into the Patriots 2004 beat-the-Eagles playbook.

Give Cutler Credit - As Eagles fans it's easy for us to say our defense didn't do this or our defense didn't do that, but what Cutler did speaks for itself. 247 yards, 4 touchdowns, and ZERO picks for a 146.2 rating. Yes, yes, our defense failed to do this/that, but Jay took advantage, and won them the game while putting up some gaudy numbers.

Come Back Asante -

Moose Your Suit Looks Ridiculous -

For real though, a tie...AND an ascot...AND a pocket square. All inside of a suit that looks like he plays for the Business Yankees. You win, Daryl "Silky" Johnston.

Fix Yo Field - Yada, yada, yada, here is a picture of 1 and a half hot Asian girls in mud! Let's hope we don't have a game in Chicago come playoff time.

Blame the O-Line - I think a large part of this loss has to be blamed on the offensive line. They were downright offensive!

...I'm sorry.

Anyway, when a unit receives as much praise as this group has over the past several weeks, it's important not to overlook them when it comes to passing blame. Sure, maybe Vick held the ball too long. Sure, maybe it was the receivers' fault for not getting open in time. Whatever it is one can say to defend our overachieving O-line, all you have to do is look at the tape to see how badly the Birds were losing the battle at the line of scrimmage. I'm guessing they felt overconfident coming off a great performance against the vaunted Giants line and underestimated a under-appreciated Bears group. They've got more than Peppers, apparently.

Next up is Houston on Thursday at home. Can't lose, won't lose (Harlem shake).

Go Birds!

Madden 2004 - It happened. The promise of Michael Vick's full potential was fulfilled this Monday night in Landover, Maryland. You know the stats: 20/28 for 333 yards passing, 4 passing touchdowns, 80 yards rushing, and 2 rushing touchdowns. Yes, this changes everything.

ESPN may have the Falcons at #1 on their Power Rankings this week, but they were beaten handedly by the Eagles less than a month ago with a backup quarterback. NFL fans are now realizing that they are literally witnessing football history on a weekly basis. Mike Vick is undefeated in any game he has started and finished. He has zero interceptions. He has zero lost fumbles. He's running a very complex offensive scheme with absolute ease. He's piloting the leagues most explosive offense to new heights in a year where most of the Super Bowl favorites have been grounded. Shit, the Pro Football Hall of Fame even requested Vick's jersey from Monday night. This is big. This is historic. This is Madden 2004.

Michael Vick is in a position to make one of the greatest comebacks in sports history. A mercenary field general with a cannon arm and a killer instinct is leading a team of talent-drenched kids through the NFL jungle. Neither NFL golden boy Peyton Manning nor friendly foe Donovan McNabb could stop them. What exactly are we witnessing here?

With 7 weeks remaining in the regular season and so much left unanswered, this story is far from over. But as of now, if this Philadelphia Eagles team can stay healthy, it looks like there is a legitimate shot of Michael Vick -- the same man who spent 2 years in prison and last year running 2-yard wildcat plays -- hoisting the Lombardi trophy.

The NFL: Where Amazing Happens.

What else did we learn? LaRon Landry Got His, Dimitri Patterson's Hands are Sticky, Jerome Harrison: Karma Police, Beat 'em After a Bye, Steve Young: Critic turned Believer, How to Beat Vick, Andy Reid Back Pats, Mike Vick Head Explosion Meter, DeSean's Record, Worst to First, and Fuck the Giants.


LaRon Landry Got His - You talk shit before a game to a player/team that's better than you and you get what you deserve. Some things are fair game in the verbal confrontations that proceed an NFL kickoff. Brain-threatening concussions aren't one of them. That's why it was so gratifying to see that shit-talking, center-spitting asshole get his on play numero uno. Suck it, #30.

Dimitri Patterson's Hands are Sticky - I really hope teams keep testing this guy. There are reasons beyond a hip flexor as to why Ellis Hobbs' buttcheeks are warming bench every Sunday. Dimitri Patterson is pretty good. In each of the last two games, Patterson has been tested by top-flight quarterbacks and has made them pay. A fantastic game against Reggie Wayne last week and two INTs and a pick six on Monday. I love DP! Wait....

Jerome Harrison: Karma Police - Eleven carries for 109 yards (9.9 avg) and a TD. Nothing in this life is free, Cleveland. You can't just go around stealing awesome runningbacks and not have a trade come back to bite you in the ass at some point. The universe has a way of keeping itself in balance, so consider the Mike Bell for Jerome Harrison exchage payback for what you did to Denver.

Beat 'em After a Bye - You mean to tell me the Redskins had two weeks to prepare for that ass-whooping on Monday? That's the best McNabb and Shanahan could do in TWO WEEKS!? Haaaahahahahahaha.

Steve Young: Critic turned Believer - I watched the whole 12-hour ESPN pre-programming for this weeks Monday Night Football game. During several of their 700 segments, it was apparent that Hall of Fame QB Steve Young was critical of Michael Vick and his (former) style of play. It was obvious to any Eagles fan that Steve either hadn't watched much of the Birds this season or that he was threatened by the success by another left-handed running QB, but immediately after the game he was Vick's #1 cheerleader. Young called Vick's performance "a transformational moment," "the full fruition of the position," and "one of the most defining games at quarterback I’ve ever seen." Think he's a fan now?

How to Beat Vick - Another thing Steve Young managed to point out was the difference in game planning for Vick opposing teams must go through now that they didn't have to when he was a Falcon. The rule of thumb was to spy him, make your defensive ends hold their position, and force him to throw from the pocket. The Eagles were actually great at this and that's part of the reason why they often contained Vick in their former battles. Nowadays, things are much different.

As Young mentioned, you may want to completely flip your game planning strategy now for Mr. Mexico. Instead of forcing him to stay in the pocket (where he had a perfect 158.3 QB rating on Monday), you may want to force him to run. Sure, you're going to give up big chunks of yards and lots of underneath passes, but you're saving yourself from the back-breaking deep passes that have murdered teams thus far this year. Let him run and try to get good licks on him when he doesn't go out of bounds -- the dude has already admitted he won't ever slide. This is the only way to contain MV7 at the moment, and if the Giants are smart, this'll be what they look to do Sunday night.

Andy Reid Back Pats - The team was ripe for a big letdown on the road after a big home win against Peyton Manning and the Colts, but came through and dominated a tough divisional opponent. They didn't even start practicing until last Thursday! Andy Reid and the rest of the coaches deserve some serious credit here, especially since we give him so much shit when things don't work out well. If they can pull off a convincing win against the Giants, Big Red better be getting at least a HJ from wifey this week.

Mike Vick Head Explosion Meter -

DeSean's Record - That 88-yard opening play touchdown was actually the longest reception of DeSean's career. And, you know, he's had a lot of long ones. #Pause

Worst to First -

Yeah, just let that marinate in through your thoughtsicles for a while.

Fuck the Giants - I mean, really. Fuck the Giants.

I live and work in New York, and the only thing more annoying than the pervasive urine smell and expensive rent are Giants fans. Sure, I've met a few good-natured ones here and there that can have an intelligent conversation concerning the NFC East and can predict outcomes objectively, but for the most part they're just as delusional and homer-d out as many Philly fans. C'mon guys, your city has two teams of which yours is the worst, and you're trying to tell me Eli Manning is better than Michael Vick right now? You must've inhaled too much hobo urine, buddy. I'm taking cash and desktop wallpaper bets all week. Get ready to get blown out like your sisters boyfriends hair.

Go Birds.

Yea, he did that. Pulled his groin. Didn't matter, cause...well...this series isn't over yet. History will tell you about moments when players just give it all they got (Jordan with the flu, Kirk Gibson game, etc.) but rarely do you get to live through that moment as a fan. We just did.

Roy Halladay pulled his groin on Thursday night. He couldn't throw his fastball past 89 mph. He had a good curve, a decent cutter and that's it. But guess what, he won. The Phillies won. And, well, last time I checked...our boys are coming back home.

In case you didn't know, Game 6 is Saturday night. Roy 2.0 on the mound. Sounds like a can't miss to me.

Go Phils.

Oh who doesn't love the friendly office wager.

A fellow employee -- who for the sake of privacy we'll call "Edward McFalconsfan" -- and I were engaged in a work week of casual shit-talking since last Monday. The final resolution? Whoever is the fan of the losing team must change their desktop wallpaper to a background of the winner's choosing and leave it there for a week.

Edward McFalconsfan, enjoy your week. I came into work early on a Monday just to MS Paint this for you.

So what did we learn? Wetz was Wrong, Chad Hall is the Beneficiary of Racism, Dunta Robinson is a Fucking Asshole, Give McDermott His Credit, Kevin Kolb Trade Value Meter, Won in the Trenches, Wide Left, and Vick is Still the Starter.

Wetz was Wrong - The place: our comments section.  The day: October 7, 2010. The time: 12:33 PM. The words:

"Kevin Kolb sucks. It's been decided, end of story. If you look that uncomfortable in an NFL game, after three years in the league, you ain't got a prayer."

3:49 PM:

"I'm not on any ledge. Kevin Kolb sucks, that's reality. I'm not abandoning hope when it comes to Kolb, I never had hope in him to begin with. There's a difference."

Well, 579 yards, 4 TDs, and a 118.5 QB Rating later, it looks like reality has made quite the fool of our fellow WizWitter.

Kevin has looked nothing short of amazing in the past two starts, and while I refuse to use the word "poise" when describing any NFL quarterback, hes looked quite...comfortable running the offense during his stretch as starter.

Oh, and FYI:

"maurice said...
I've always been higher on Kolb than a lot of people, and while I wrote this post and saw his terrified little-boy face last Sunday, I feel okay about his chances going forward.
He's made the throws before, it's just about -- as Hard Knocks Rex Ryan would say -- 'letting his nuts drop'."


Chad Hall is the Beneficiary of Racism - Wes Welker. Julian Edelman. Danny Amendola. Danny Woodhead. Chad Hall. That's the order in which it happened.

I'm not blind, NFL. I see what you're doing here.

And has anyone ever seen any of these guys in the same place at the same time? I swear they're all the same person. Finkle is Einhorn! Ton Loc is Marino!

Dunta Robinson is a Fucking Asshole - You see what you did, dummy? You nearly killed you both. You're the reason mothers don't let kids play football.

Give McDermott His Credit - The Falcons were #2 in rushing in the NFL. They only gained 65 yards on the ground Sunday. Sean McDermott's game planning has been solid enough to withstand the loss of his #1 CB last week and his starting DT this week. You know those moments when the entire D line shifts left or right simultaneously just before the play is a run to that side? That's what good coaching looks like.

Kevin Kolb Trade Meter - 

Won in the Trenches - Patchwork O-line giving Kolb time to throw + D-line stuffing the run and getting pressure on the QB = Victory.

Football is as simple as that.

Wide Left - Akers missed a bunch of field goals but I think he'll be fine and I only wrote this long run-on sentence so I could link to this fantastic picture I found while searching Google images for "bad kicker."

Vick is Still the Starter - I'll keep this short: fans forget too quickly. If you doubters don't remember, Mike Vick was doing much of the same stuff Kevin Kolb is doing: 575 yards passing, 5 TDs, and a 113.6 QB Rating. There is one huge difference between the two, though -- Vick has 67 yards and a TD on the ground. The threat that Vick poses with his feet allows other guys to get open and is something that is immeasurably important to an offense predicated on big plays such as ours.

Vick is starting. Until he starts throwing picks.


Titans up next. Go Birds.

Last night was the preseason opener for the Sixers.  Sadly, they were dispatched by the Russians.  This game wasn't shown on TV or announced on the radio, so this game might as well have never happened.  However, that won't stop me from gathering an opinion based off the statistical evidence provided to us. 

• Evan Turner, didn't have a great game shooting from the field, but managed to hit 10 of 12 free throws in 25 minutes.  That's very encouraging and should alleviate some concern you had about his poor performance in Summer League.  It's natural for a college player's shot to take a little time to develop where he's actually comfortable going through the motions of an NBA game.  Regardless of how long it takes for Turner to find his shot, a guy that has the ability to get to the line the way ET did last night is typically always successful.  You should feel good about this.

• The Sixers still cannot make a 3 pointer to save their lives. They can't defend them either.  This will be a brutal reality all season long.

• Marreese Speights was a bright spot in terms of total points and rebounds as he led the team in both categories.  He was even the only Sixer (besides Thad who left very early) to finish on the plus side in the +/- category.  Speights for MVP!

• Sike. Speights shoots too damn much.  He's like Al Jefferson.  Except inefficient and not as good. 

• Jrue had a nice stat line of 10-5-4 with 3 steals, but it looks like he was kind of careless with ball.  5 turnovers in 28 minutes isn't going to get the job done.  But again, it's the first preseason game, so I'm not really worried here. I'm a big Jrue supporter.

• Spencer Hawes is the worst.  He clearly has no idea how to play defense.  His +/- on the court was a team worst -17.  Hawes is going to be a huge liability down low.  This team will be eaten alive by any big man with even the smallest amount of talent.  Also, young Spencer will foul out of every game in a futile attempt to girl-slap the large black man dunking on him.  This is fact.

So there you have it.  Who needs to actually watch a game to know what's going on?  Not me.  Not one bit.