My Top Ten Resolutions

Published by Julia Volkovah under on 11:43 AM

(Guest-blogged by Popeye the Cat.)

Maybe my bipedaled pets don't believe in making resolutions and bettering themselves as the second-most dominant life form on the planet but that doesn't mean I can't make my own resolutions in the interests of self betterment. So here are my top 10 resolutions for 2012.

  • 10) I will not stick my rectum and admirably large package in Mommy and Daddy's face anymore. There's such a thing as too much of a good thing.

  • 9) I will not follow them into the bathroom every single time for a head and butt scratching. My sense of smell is extremely powerful. Trust me on this.

  • 8) I will not put myself between Mommy and Daddy and their monitors, especially if there's a chance they're ordering food for me online.

  • 7) I will not lick my admirably large package in front of Daddy. I hate it when he gets jealous.

  • 6) I will not lay down on top of Daddy's manuscripts and Mommy's magazines while they're using them. The ink is a bitch to lick off.

  • 5) I will try not to be too finicky in the future, provided my zebra meat is still grilled gently over moon rocks by Japanese ventriloquists.

  • 4) Next Christmas, I will not tear apart everyone's presents in an attempt to get at mine.

  • 3) I will practice more restraint when Daddy gives me catnip. The last time, I put over $100 on his debit card and he was not happy.

  • 2) I will stop pissing in the bathroom closet, on the bedroom floor and on Daddy's tote bag if my litter box isn't cleaned every hour on the hour.

  • 1) Naming me was still an exercise in futility but when they call me from now on, the least I can give them is a contemptuous, bored look.
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