John Boehner denies alcoholism in impassioned speech.

Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner gave an impassioned speech on Wednesday dismissing as false persistent rumors that he is a secret alcoholic. "I have an illness that precisely mimics the effects of alcoholism," said the Republican "From the reddish skin, to the gaunt appearance, to the slurred speech, to the glazed and unfocused eyes - this rare illness makes innocent sufferers appear that they are alcoholics when in fact they are not."

Boehner declined to elaborate on any precise details with regards to this "rare illness" but explained that "the disease even produces bacteria in the mouth that produce a strong alcohol-like smell that scientists say resembles the odor of something known as 'Jack Daniels'."

The US Representative also added that doctors had advised him that these bacteria in his body were strongly susceptible to large doses of ethanol and that he had been ordered to drink vast quantities of whiskey in order to defeat the disease. "Normally, this is something that I would never do, but I must follow doctors' orders. This ethanol medicine appears to be the best way to beat this thing, and I am doing my very best to increase my intake. I am asking people to please be tolerant of my appearance during this fight."